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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I should just be given the Red Book rather than being made to have the HV come round too?

54 replies

CheshireDing · 03/12/2013 15:18

I have just had a letter from HV saying they have booked an appointment to come round on Friday. I have rang to cancel it because with pfb (2) they gave incorrect information about bf and the use of dummies (and when had been doing perfectly well on our own with feeding).

The woman I have just spoken to is basically saying I can't have the Red Book unless I see the HV. I ended up telling her the reasons above (plus some other reasons from last time) as to why I don't want to see the HV and that I am a responsible Parent and will book for immunisations etc as I know when they are due.

She was not having any of it and said she would have to call me back after speaking to her Manager ! I told her I appreciate it's a service they offer but I just want the book. Surely she cannot with-hold the book from me?

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 03/12/2013 16:12

No, you can't be made to see them.

The idea of 'informed consent' is something the HVs at my practice also seem to have trouble with :)

Good on you for standing your ground. Hey, while you're there, you could put in a complaint too - flag up that clearly they need just a leetle bit more training on a. understanding the boundaries when it comes to offering a VOLUNTARY service and b. applying those boundaries so they don't end up with more new mothers effectively feeling bullied by the system and therefore less likely to access help if they are having difficulties?

MumofYuck · 03/12/2013 16:13

Surely it's better to feed back the message that many of us consider their advice pointless, so that they can improve the service?! Confused What does smiling and nodding accomplish?

lalouche · 03/12/2013 16:13

damedeep I get that, but this nurse works out of our gp surgery, where all the computerised records are at her fingertips. Regardless, the hostile tone of the questioning was entirely unnecessary. I really was made to feel like an awful parent for daring to question her.

Feminine · 03/12/2013 16:16

I honestly can't see why you couldn't have let her visit and drop the book off Confused

Talk about making a fuss about nothing!

I see you have got it sorted and feel you have got one up Wink

purrtrillpadpadpad · 03/12/2013 16:25

Oh feminine. I despair.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 03/12/2013 16:26

Mine used to go on and on and get concerned if I politely disagreed with her advice. It was easier to smile and nod. She didn't go "Oh, right-ho, this mother doesn't agree with my advice, I'd better get some more training or perhaps open a book"

PolkaDotParty · 03/12/2013 16:27

I hate HV bashing. Yes, some may be out of date or have poor people skills - complain about them, refuse to see them, but don't tar a very important profession with one brush! The government are not in any way given to funding useless services, hell, they don't like funding useful ones a lot of the time either. There is a huge amount of research that underpins the importance of a universal health visiting service, and they play a massive part in helping, supporting and spotting the vulnerable.

As my HV once said - many people don't realise what they do until they need it.

I'm sorry you've had a bad experience. You don't have to see them, you can withdraw entirely by putting it in writing.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 03/12/2013 16:28

It sounds like you got really upset last time and I can understand why you don't want to even see them this time.

However I do think it's worth it to just say hi and nod and smile and ignore everything they say. I just think its easier to deal with it that way than have them chasing you all the time or starting to become suspicious about your motives - unfairly but I would imagine they work on worse case scenario stuff...

AngelaDaviesHair · 03/12/2013 16:31

Fair point polkaDot. One of the HVs at my GP surgery was very very nice, so I was happy to see her. Another was fantastic, but so in demand I only saw her once (and she was marvellously helpful). But the rest, sadly, were not very good and all were dismissive of my DH in a way we found really poor.

formerbabe · 03/12/2013 16:31

I'm not a fan of hvs. They offered me no useful information. Unnecessarily made me take my newborn to casualty for non existent jaundice! They always seemed to turn up when I was napping and I found they made my first week quite stressful. I always felt like I had to clean the house before they arrived as I felt judged. If I was you, let them in, nod along and smile. It won't last long. I wouldn't say no to the first few visits as I wouldn't want to be flagged up as potentially hiding something.

Lavenderhoney · 03/12/2013 16:34

Mine only came round once, and ds was in his cot upstairs. I offered to get him or she come and look as I presumed she wanted to see him and she said no, its ok, had a cup of tea, told me to keep up the good work and left.

She was ok though, helpful and kind.

formerbabe · 03/12/2013 16:40

I asked mine at the baby clinic if I should be feeding my first only organic food (I have relatives in the states and over there, they only ate organic)...she was very rude to me and told me she couldn't afford organic food...er OK, wasn't asking her to buy it for me!

formerbabe · 03/12/2013 16:44

I took my dd to her 2 year check up...was ridiculous! She asked me if I ever took her out?! Did I brush her teeth? etc. They talk to everyone like they are an illiterate, 14 year old smack head!

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 03/12/2013 16:45

Child health surveillance IS NOT COMPULSORY. Any parent is within their rights to decline.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 03/12/2013 16:54

What Polka Dot said ^

I am a student HV (took a lot of guts admitting that here) and like any job, there are good and bad HVs. Because of the HV implementation plan, a massive investment is being ploughed into community public health nursing (the posh name for HV) and the service is really changing. The training is very different and it is about delivering care at different levels, focussing on health inequalities and increasing capacity for healthy outcomes. Some obviously think they are above this but many benefit from the care and support.

AngelaDaviesHair · 03/12/2013 16:56

I wasn't above being helped by an HV, I just wasn't helped. By and large.

Chunderella · 03/12/2013 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CheshireDing · 03/12/2013 17:30

I do not think I have got one up on them, nor was I HV bashing.

My experience of them was rubbish, they gave incorrect information, suggested how we should change our feeding patterns (which we tried and it resulted in 2 days of pfb and me crying over the situation until we went back to our previous feeding ways) and give me incorrect statistics and I wrote a letter of complaint which they never replied to.

As somebody else said what is the point of me just nodding and agreeing just to get rid of them though, that seems a massive waste of time and resources to me.

It was my understanding they offer a service, I didn't want that service so they may as well give the appointment to somebody else. If anyone ever asked me whether they should say the HV for their first child I would always say "yes" as people have their own opinions/needs etc and it is not for me to say somebody else should not need/want the HV service

OP posts:
DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 03/12/2013 17:38

I didn't like having to see the HV. I was a single mum, first child, and had no idea I could opt out. She was nice enough, but made me feel crap about not having the house spotless (tried to push the Homestart thing on me, refused to believe that I just tidied up when DS slept) and insisted he had speech problems (minor delay, he caught up when he started nursery). She also insisted I had PND, which I bloody didn't.

I'm sure some people find them really helpful, but mine was just plain pushy.

autumnsmum · 03/12/2013 17:43

This is a question not connected to op who seems a great parent but this thread has made me wonder at what point does disengaging from services become a concern that parents are hiding neglect etc ? Once again this is not directed to anyone on here but results partly from my experience of being abandoned with pnd

ZombieMonkeyButler · 03/12/2013 17:46

Was it the same HV who wanted to visit this time?

I had a totally shite experience with DS1's HV but the one I saw with DD was/is lovely. Very helpful & sensible (if a little lentil weaving).

They are not all the same. What will you do if you experience a problem/issue with DC2 that you did not have with DC1 and actually need the HV's advice?

I've never needed mine, but was always polite to them just incase I ever did need them IYSWIM!

SuburbanRhonda · 03/12/2013 17:50

OP, people, including HVs, sometimes do give wrong information.

Indeed, upthread, you mentioned that you didn't think the child protection issue was relevant to you because the cases you read about in the paper where children are harmed only involve older children.

In fact, babies under one year old are the group most at risk of significant harm and they are the ones most frequently harmed by the people who are supposed to be caring for them.

eurochick · 03/12/2013 17:51

MrsPD, your comment about people thinking they are "above" it speaks volumes, I'm afraid. You have judged the OP and others who do not need the service offered right there.

Worriedthistimearound · 03/12/2013 18:02

I think the whole thing is pretty ineffective. If they are genuinely concerned about mums suffering pnd why only visit twice and usually within a week or 10days of the birth? I have had pnd and it certainly wasn't evident or even there so soon after the birth. If they really wanted to help mothers they'd be better off visiting 3mths in.

I also would like to ask those HV on here why they make the assumption that new mothers know nothing.
Also why do they often ask such ridiculous questions? I was asked if my mum or mil lived close. I said, no, but I have DH at the weekends anyway. She looked at me funny then said, yes, but I'm concerned with the weekdays when your DH is at work! It took me a minute to realise that she was making the assumption that neither my mother not my mil worked. When I explained that they were both well qualified professionals working 60 odd hours a week and even if they lived on my street I'd only see them at weekends, she seemed annoyed! Confused Why would you make such a patronising assumption? It's things like this that get new mums' backs up.

jammiedonut · 03/12/2013 18:14

I've met some lovely hvs and some dire ones, as with all professions you have the good and the bad. Yanbu, you should be able to access your red book without a home visit from hv. My DM is the best hv I've ever come across (the ones I've come across from my nhs trust are awful), so they do exist, but the good ones are able to recognise those in need and those that are not, so I can understand your frustrations, especially after a bad experience. I pretty much diagnosed my own pnd after my hv used the outdated Edinburgh scale to 'measure' my emotions. Despite some pretty obvious symptoms and being one mark away from 'depressed' I received no follow up and no support from their team. It's such a shame that some individuals let down the entire profession.

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