Amount of time DC are expected to "amuse" themselves

[TreesAndFlowers]

So I was making polite chit chat to a mum whose DD does the same after school activity as my DD.
I asked her if she’d had a good weekend and she replied that she had. That she and her DH had the same hobby (for the sake of this post let’s say the hobby is Dungeons and Dragons), they had had friends to visit for the weekend and they’d basically spent from 6pm Friday to 6pm Sunday taking part in the hobby, only stopping for sleep and meal breaks.

So I made some remark about it must be nice to have grandparents who’ll have the children for the weekend and she replied that they didn’t – the children had spent the weekend at home – they “joined in” with the adults from time to time but mostly went off and did their own thing. And that as she and her DH had similar hobby weekends at least once (and sometimes twice) a month the DC were just used to it.

Now, I’m all for children being able to amuse themselves, but for basically the whole weekend? Once or twice a month? And the adult’s hobby not sufficiently interesting to hold their interest for long I would presume (I’d guess the DCs in question were about 7,5 and 3 , so not desperately old).

Dunno really, maybe it is just a different parenting style but to me this feels a big neglectful (not in the call SS sort of way, just not great parenting). AIBU?

I agree tbh.

My kids would wreck the house if left to their own devices for that length of time!

Depends on the children I suppose. My DCs tend to do entertain themselves for long periods of time, out of choice. 3 is a bit young, but they could be entertained by older siblings - as I did with my younger sister, and my DDs do.

So the children were in a situation where several adults were about free to join in or not as they wished?

How is this neglectful?

There are 3 kids who, I assume, all play together and keep each other company - and they can join in with the adults when they feel like it.

Some people make their children the heart and soul of everything they do and some people carry on with their lives and the children join in.

I have friends who are obsessive sailors and the children have no say in the matter, they are dragged out sailing all the time. Some others are hikers and the kids just tag along.
Others are in bands and they have all weekend rehearsals for 48 hours and the kids just hang out together.

This is how some families operate and using terms like "neglectful" is a bit iffy to say the least.

YABU. Lots of children are perfectly happy to amuse themselves, and are possibly better off than children being constantly driven around to planned events and activities. As harticus said, there are three of them playing together. It's not a case of one child being left sitting alone, ignored by the adults.
I would feel far sorrier for kids being forced to join in with the adults, or children who never get a minute to themselves to just read or invent games or otherwise develop their imaginations.

My kids amuse themselves quite a bit...they have a playroom and are quite happy in there with each other. I am not a children's entertainer, I'm their mum! I would never have time to cook/clean/do the washing/tidy up etc if I kept them occupied the whole time. I take them out quite a bit, bake with them, hang out with them but certainly not all the time.

I honestly see nothing wrong with children being able to amuse themselves - actually I would see it as a positive surely. Her children aren't reliant on her to entertain them at all times.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with it - kids were safe, no doubt had access to all their toys and house activities and adults were there. #

It wouldn't have worked when my DS was 3 because he would have gone stir crazy, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't work for those children.

Yabu, there's nothing wrong with kids amusing themselves for long periods of time. They learn how to socialize with other kids or siblings , use their imagination, become a little more independent and all the other positive things. I don't understand all those parents who need to fill every single minute of their kids lives entertaining them, getting so worked up if it's not enough.

depends on the amount of interaction though, the children amuse themselves for quite a while here, but they need to see me, be given snacks and drinks, have cuddles, have somone admire their models on a fairly rregular basis, so while I may technically be doing diy, say, for a while I am still interacting for short bursts on a regular basis.

My DD is only 22 months but she's very good at entertaining herself and has been for a while. She plays, she draws, she tries to "read" her books - she doesn't seem to want much interaction from me, though she gets it when she does.

I felt quite guilty about letting her get on with it, but then it occurred to me that our parents and grandparents didn't feel they had to spend their every spare minute entertaining us, and we seemed to turn out ok, on the whole.

YABU, ridiculously so. Our DC fit in with what we do not the other way round.

Some of them have a particular hobby or activity which requires dropping off/picking up on a weekend morning but generally I have plans, as does DH and the DC fall in with those. This may mean they are expected to amuse themselves or do something they don't enjoy but I certainly never had weekends organised around me as a child.

Typically we do things like shopping, visiting friends, lunches and dinners out with friends, walking dogs etc and the DCs tag along. If we're at home we will be busy working or doing things around the house and DC entertain themselves for the majority. I very rarely, as in once a week at best, 'entertain' them.

I don't see the issue. The children probably loved it. Thinking back to my childhood, when we were 9, 6 and 3 (so similar ages) the only thing we had over a weekend was we usually went to church, and we watched Doctor Who together if it was on. Both parents would be around but not there amusing us generally.
Saturday night was always my parents night they spent together, and we were expected to amuse ourselves quietly from about 5-6pm onwards. Oldest would put youngest to bed and read a story, and the older two would get themselves to bed. I don't know about my siblings, but I quite enjoyed it.

Just to be clear - I have absolutely no problem with DC amusing themselves and agree that it is a positive thing that everything is not centred around them. As others have said upthread the DCs are expected to come shopping and to each others activities- things they haven't chosen to do. But we'll still be chatting as we do them and perhaps playing little games when we're waiting about. And equally we will get on with jobs while the DC just play - on their own or together.

But for the whole weekend? On a regular basis? So for the school aged DC, that means from when they've basically got home from school on Friday and had tea ... until pretty much time for bed on Sunday - they get very little adult interaction unless they are prepared to join in with the adult activity in which they (presumably) have little interest.

I never had a problem amusing myself when I was little. It was out the door you go and play, or playing with toys/building dens.

There wasn't very much actual adult led play at all.

I have never got the whole filling every waking hour with activities and doing things together thing.

I didn't want adult interaction at that age. I wanted to play.

Adults were and still are dull and talked a lot about mortgages and inflation.

I don't think it is clear from what the lady said that they didn't interact with the children- with several adults in the house, the adults may have chatted a lot, changed nappies, cooked meals, done lots of things whilst the others played, joined in a bit- in other words, I very much doubt that they shut the door, gamed or did their hobby and didn't interact for the entire weekend. A three year old is unlikely to need nothing bar sleep and the odd meal.

If they genuinely ignored the children, that's different, but I don't think you can judge that from what was said- they may just all stay in, mixing and muddling in together, with whichever adult was less involved taking the parenting role at any one time.

My friends ds will sit and entertain himself for hours with his toys, particularly Lego. Mine needs almost constant entertainment. I'm trying to train him!

I agree with the op. I think for me, when my children are little weekends should be built around the kids. I don't understand why some people don't adapt their lifestyles when they have young children. I don't think it is neglect, just wouldn't be how I would do it.

How do you know they get little adult interaction?

They weren't neglected though - you don't even know for sure that they were ignored at all.

At those ages there is nothing wrong with amusing themselves - mine have been known to not be seen apart from meals at some points when they were those ages, due to playing out/in their bedrooms. (Obv not playing out alone at 3, but holed up in his bedroom with his brother playing with action figures etc).

YABU

OK, so I accept that I don't know how much adult interaction they got. But the way it was described was several adults in a room and they basically stayed there all weekend, they'd pre-prepared food so they didn't have to stop to cook, they were totally focussed on their activities. It was very much a conversation of "look how many hours we managed to spend doing on our hobby" even including a chat about how little sleep they all had. I very much got the impression that the DC were just somewhere else in the house. They were free to come into the room and (presumably) if they'd had particular wants they would have been dealt with. They were also free to come and play in the room (but generally chose not to according to the mum). It was painted very much as the children had been told not to bother Mum and Dad unless they absolutely had to (and had learnt this from past experience).

Of course I may have got entirely the wrong impression and the adults took it in turns to do things with the DC or they actually did have breaks during the weekend ... but that's not the way the conversation came over. It sounded more like the way a group of students would behave than parents with young(ish) family.

I dont really do activities with my kids,we look after them etc,but in terms of entertaining them they are left to it 90 per cent of the time,theres only a year between all of them so i think that helps,they just run around together most of the time playing,i dont think ive ever heard the words bored in my house.

YABU parents entertaining children is a very recent concept

We also have friends around a lot,we dont do kids activities,kids dont need them (and a lot of adults dont enjoy parks and soft play etc)they just slot into whatever were doing.