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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Amount of time DC are expected to "amuse" themselves

39 replies

TreesAndFlowers · 03/12/2013 11:48

So I was making polite chit chat to a mum whose DD does the same after school activity as my DD.
I asked her if she’d had a good weekend and she replied that she had. That she and her DH had the same hobby (for the sake of this post let’s say the hobby is Dungeons and Dragons), they had had friends to visit for the weekend and they’d basically spent from 6pm Friday to 6pm Sunday taking part in the hobby, only stopping for sleep and meal breaks.

So I made some remark about it must be nice to have grandparents who’ll have the children for the weekend and she replied that they didn’t – the children had spent the weekend at home – they “joined in” with the adults from time to time but mostly went off and did their own thing. And that as she and her DH had similar hobby weekends at least once (and sometimes twice) a month the DC were just used to it.

Now, I’m all for children being able to amuse themselves, but for basically the whole weekend? Once or twice a month? And the adult’s hobby not sufficiently interesting to hold their interest for long I would presume (I’d guess the DCs in question were about 7,5 and 3 , so not desperately old).

Dunno really, maybe it is just a different parenting style but to me this feels a big neglectful (not in the call SS sort of way, just not great parenting). AIBU?

OP posts:

Artandco · 03/12/2013 13:35

I think it's fine. I doubt they were ignored all weekend.
Last Saturday both dh and I had to get on with work at home so basically left 2 and 4 year old to amuse themselves and that's what we prob would have said our weekend was. However in reality our day went:

Me and dh up at 6am to start work. Kids slept in until 9am. So 3 hrs solid work for us.

9-10am we all got dressed/ bathed/ breakfast. Chatted to them etc.

10am-1pm we out some music on in background, set up brio and duplo for them, and drawing things at table. Then they amused themselves with that and other toys with just showing us things every so often or us commenting.

1-2pm we went for lunch in local cafe

2-4pm they napped. We worked

4-6pm they played again. We worked

6-9pm we took them for a swim and dinner.

9pm they went to bed and we continue working until midnight.

So we managed to fit in 13 hours of work. 8 hrs when they slept and 5 whilst they amused themselves mostly. We still interacted, went out as a family and got some excercise in. This prob happens every 6 weeks or so

Igloofornow · 03/12/2013 13:41

I need to know what the hobby is, were they swinging

TinyTear · 03/12/2013 13:48

NU in my opinion...

I am sick and tired of people boasting how the children fit around their lives. you had children, for fuck's sake, talk to them, interact with them...

i used to be carted in the car for no reason, make to sit in a cafe for hours on end bored out of my skull and will not do the same for my child.

yes she has to come when I need to do shopping, and some things, but i try to get in at least a playgroud trip or a few activities just for her in the weekend...

WoTmania · 03/12/2013 13:48

I'm assuming this is some kind of roleplay/wargaming thing(from the dungeons and dragons).
If so I think YABabitU. My DC love wargaming and grown up board games. We often have friends over for the weekend and they flit in and out, climb over my friends but really have minimal attention from us. It's fine. I think plenty of un/loosely supervised play is a good thing.

SwirlingStorm · 03/12/2013 15:00

OP YANBU.

I feel sorry for the kids, mostly because it seems they spent the whole weekend indoors. It's lovely for children to have unstructured play time but they truly thrive outdoors where they can stretch their limbs and their imaginations.

IMO it's selfish of adults to spend an entire weekend stuck inside and essentially ignoring the kids. They're little for such a tiny amount of time. We get out in the woods/countryside at weekends - it's my absolute fave bit of being a parent. Sure, the kids play, but we also talk to them, laugh with them, listen to them....I know I'll never get this time back and want to enjoy it to the max!

Mumsyblouse · 03/12/2013 15:02

Yes, but what's the big deal once a month? They may go hiking on the other three.

I can't get worked up about this- if I felt they routinely ignored their children in favour of their game, or MN or any adult hobby, it's different, but I can't see that's what is happening here.

Mumsyblouse · 03/12/2013 15:03

And- if I'm utterly honest, all those family walks plodding along aren't my favourite memory of childhood am traumatised by too many walking/camping holidays

WilsonFrickett · 03/12/2013 15:25

Who said they were indoors? They may have a massive garden!

Alwayscheerful · 03/12/2013 16:08

What on earth is this war gaming thing you speak of? I need to know more. Please tell us OP what were they doing?

Alwayscheerful · 03/12/2013 16:15

Swirling storm, my parents idea of fun was to get us all out to the woods and countryside, our (there were three of us) preferred to amuse ourselves in the garden damming streams, collecting leaves and building mud pies. If we were insides and our parents had guests we loved being left to our own devices and making dens out of sheets and cardboard boxes and playing hide & seek with our cousins.

SwirlingStorm · 03/12/2013 16:58

True - they may have had a massive garden! I live in a flat without a garden so (rather short-sightedly) didn't think of that.

As we don't have a garden, I head out with the kids to nearby woodland, where they do dam-building, tree-climbing etc and for the most part they play by themselves, as did we as kids. I do have to facilitate this by taking them there though.

And some of my best childhood memories are being outside with my dad, running down hills and having him spin me round, or having him chase us, or talking to him about his life when he was young. When we got older he got a much more stressful job and we hardly saw him, so I cherish those memories.

Mind you, we did plenty of den-building etc indoors too out of range of our parents, as do my kids. I suppose variety is the key. A whole weekend at home (inside or out) seems a bit much. I'm very outdoorsy though

Ephiny · 03/12/2013 17:12

I don't see the problem, really. It may not be the way you would choose to do things, or what you consider an ideal situation, but that doesn't make it 'neglectful'.

Unless you have some reason to think that the children are in an unsafe situation or being genuinely neglected, it's not really any of your business.

apocketfulofposy · 03/12/2013 17:23

oh yes i didnt tihnk of that,we do have a massive garden,i imagine it would be a lot harder to let them get on with it if we only had a small one,where we are is quite rural.

apocketfulofposy · 03/12/2013 17:28

Also it depends on how many kids and if they get on,i have 5 and the way i see it,and from what they tell other people,life at our house is just like spending time with your best friends all day,they have a blast!

Yes if im cooking or doing housework one of them might come and ask to help me,and we will chat while were doing that,or they might ask me to help them do something,if im not busy,i will do it.I just dont see the need for going to loads of child centered things all the time,i would rather do stuff we all enjoy that isnt just for children.

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