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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to send us a card from my bump?

32 replies

EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 03/12/2013 10:41

I am pregnant with out first DC due in February. Yesterday we received a Christmas card from MIL saying 'From the bump.... To mummy and daddy, from ?'

I haven't seen MIL since June when I was going to hospital as I was bleeding - I was pregnant with twins but unfortunately we lost one. I have struggled to deal with this as well as having hyperemesis and I have only just returned to work. MIL knows all this but she has not attempted to speak to me at all - she hasn't even acknowledged that I'm pregnant. We have a strained relationship because she has made it clear that she doesn't think I'm good enough for her son and told him repeatedly before our wedding not to marry me. She kicked off on the day.

So, am I unreasonable for thinking that considering she hasn't even said 'congratulations' or 'how are you' to me that it's a bit strange she would send us a card off our baby?

She lives 2 minutes down the road btw, so could easily have stopped by at any point or even just picked up the phone.

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 10:45

From the first line of your OP, I thought, you don't have to make a big deal of it - if it makes her happy then just roll with it (maybe a bit weird)
From the rest of your OP, YAdefNBU. Very strange.
I hope that all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy. Flowers

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2013 10:47

Yanbu. How presumptuous of her.
(You dont have to display it, just bin it)

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy.

LoonvanBoon · 03/12/2013 10:48

YANBU - it's weird. The best one could say is that - possibly - she didn't know what to say to you about your loss earlier in the year & is trying to build bridges in some way. But it's an utterly bizarre way of doing it.

Not sure what you can do about it, though, especially as you're not really in contact anyway - chuck it in the bin & make no reference to it if you do see your mil? Are you going to have to spend time with her over Christmas?

harticus · 03/12/2013 10:49

Maybe she is trying to build some bridges?

puntasticusername · 03/12/2013 10:50

I don't quite know how to say this right so please forgive me if it comes out weird - so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby Thanks, but congrats on your pregnancy!

Re MIL...I dunno, she is either trying to proffer an olive branch, just doing it in a slightly strange way, in which case you may wish to ignore the strangeness and concentrate on the benign intent. Or, she's just being plain strange. Can't obviously tell without knowing her, but based on what you've said, I might be more inclined to suspect the latter tbh.

TwerkingNineToFive · 03/12/2013 10:51

Maybe she's trying to reach out.
You don't have to give a shit though. Not after how's she's treated you.

Calloh · 03/12/2013 10:57

She is probably trying to reach out as Twerking, Harticus and Puntastic said.

However YANBU at all from your first sentence - it's presumptuous, it's your bump.

And the rest of the history means YADDDNBU.
I'm so sorry to hear that you lost a twin. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and all goes well in February.

Original poster
EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 03/12/2013 10:58

Thanks for the congratulations.

I wondered if my immediate reaction of 'how dare she send us a card off my bump!she hasn't even met the bump!' Was a bit knee jerk. But the more i think about it the more upsetting it is. No, she might not have known what to say when I had a miscarriage but it was her grandchild for gods sake, just saying something anything would have helped! If it is an olive branch I am offended that she thinks a card can make it all ok.

Re Christmas - I don't see her as she is bloody hard work at Christmas. She already has 5 grandchildren and is obsessed with them and gets very stressed and angry if we don't constantly shower them with attention and praise.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 03/12/2013 11:00

I have proffered many olive branches to her over the years. They have all been thrown back in my face.

OP posts:
Calloh · 03/12/2013 11:05

She sounds like a complete cow with no empathy whatsoever.

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 11:06

Bin and ignore - she sounds like a bit of a basket case Confused

puntasticusername · 03/12/2013 11:11

She sounds like pretty hard work Sad . What does your DH think about the card?

While I entirely agree that you are entitled to be upset that she has just sent a stupid card rather than offering you any actual, meaningful support in the months up to now...people often find it very hard to address these topics in person. It can be so difficult to know what to say that you end up saying nothing, even though you desperately want to.

I'm not defending her as such, just providing a pov from someone who is just that sort of social inadequate and feels very bad about it. The fact that she sent the card makes it look as if she is trying, no matter how misguided an effort it turned out to be (unless she possesses really Machiavellian levels of deviousness and is doing this just to make things look that way...).

Not that any of that means you have to put up with it if you're not inclined to. It sounds very stressful and you have enough on your plate already. I'd say you would NBU to decline to engage with her any further if you didn't want to.

SomethingkindaOod · 03/12/2013 11:21

Tbh I would find it weird if anybody at all sent me a card from my bump, never mind in your circumstances, it's just strange full stop!
YANBU in the slightest, in her case it isn't just strange it's inappropriate and odd. Why can't she just talk to you or send you all a card if she's trying to reach out?

Whentheredredrobingoesbobbobbo · 03/12/2013 11:22

I'm sorry you lost your twin
Same thing happened to me :(

It's sounds to me like she's thinking shit
I've been a cow and now I going to miss out on my grandchild

It's her grandchild she's interested in if you ask me
So proceed with great caution

Good luck op

Whentheredredrobingoesbobbobbo · 03/12/2013 11:28

Oh and my in.aws were totally shit about it too
They just actually ignoredithappened

MmeLindor · 03/12/2013 11:37

She sounds like she is practicing playing the loving grandmother, as a show to her friends and relatives. I don't think it is an olive branch, I think she is gearing up for her new role.

What does your DH say? Is he still in touch with her.

Sorry she has upset you, and that she has been so insensitive over the loss of your baby.

Original poster
EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 03/12/2013 11:45

whenthered sorry to hear that. All of DH's family have ignored what happened, it hurts.

I think it's true that she's done it for show - that is the sort of thing she does. I don't want her to have a relationship with my baby, she is a poisonous cow who treats all of her grandchildren differently and they all see it.

DH is in contact with her only because he sees his Dad.

OP posts:
Unexpected · 03/12/2013 11:45

Sounds very strange and designed to further upset you. If she is doing it to show her friends her loving grandmother side, I think it will mis-fire with them anyway. If someone told me they had sent a card like that to their DIL, I would think "what the actual hell?", even if they were getting on with their DIL.

Noctilucent · 03/12/2013 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 03/12/2013 11:56

I would really, really, want to send her a Christmas card back, from her teapot. Or her big toe, or something.

But yes, bin it.

And move house.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2013 12:24

On a lighter note, I would love to be the fly on the wall when she received a Christmas card from her teapot. Wink

She needs to get a Christmas card from Janet and Fred!!!

BaronessBomburst · 03/12/2013 12:51

Please, please send her a Christmas card from her teapot!

And I wish you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy. We're all February babies in the Bomburst household, so I'll be thinking of you when the time comes!

Thanks
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/12/2013 12:58

Matbe she's fishing after the name? It seems there is a '?' in her message. From ?

firesidechat · 03/12/2013 13:04

Even without the back story, the card sounds utterly cringeworthy.

Why can't people just say sorry for rubbish behaviour and act like a normal human being?

magimedi · 03/12/2013 13:09

I would want to send her one back from her arse. But I wouldn't.

Failing that have a look at the Fake Janet & Roy thread - that might be a quiet revenge.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1911919-Fake-Christmas-cards-Janet-and-Roy?pg=1

And Flowers for February for you.

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