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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with teacher?

42 replies

froubylou · 03/12/2013 04:41

DD is 9 in year 5.

Her class has been lucky enough to have been loaned musical instruments and they have lessons on a Monday afternoon. Her instrument is a baritone. Which for those who didn't know like me is a good sized brass instrument. The case is also quite heavy. The whole thing is probably 4ft tall and weighs about 15lbs.

We signed consent forms at the start of term saying we are happy to take responsibility for the instruments and that the dc would bring them home on Monday and return them on Thursday. Which we have done until now.

However I am almost 38 weeks pg. We live about half a mile from school and just walking there and back is a struggle.

I have told DD to tell her teacher that she is to leave it at school until after Christmas. Not only do we struggle carrying it backwards and forwards between us but if I go into labour (am booked in for an elcs) and someone else has to collect her I don't want them having to cart the bloody thing around. Or make sure they return it etc.

Teacher told DD she had to bring it home, that she didn't want any excuses and that it was tough I was pg but everyone has to practice. DD was upset last night when she came up drive. She had 'accidently' left it in the classroom as she knew I had a mw appt straight after school too.

I rang the school office straight away to let them know that the instrument waa still in class but am pissed off with teachers attitude to be honest. DD is a very sensible, well behaved, diligent child and wouldn't not do something requested by a teacher normally but she knows I am struggling a bit now.

Am tempted to write a note to teacher in the morning withdrawing permission for the instrument to come home. But am also pissed off with teachers attitude. She is very young and doesn't have dc so I don't think she appreciates the physical aspects of late pgy.

OP posts:

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 03/12/2013 04:46

Yes, just put it in writing to the head.

You can't carry a 4 foot metal instrument around. End of discussion.

They don't like it? Tough.

LineRunner · 03/12/2013 04:54

We had this with a cello. I just said no to it in the end as well. It was too difficult a walk - about a mile - with such an instrument for a young (and small) child in the wind and rain.

We would honestly never have signed up for it if we'd known it had to be carted home and back every week.

The kids who got the tin whistles were happy, though.

Mumstheword1976 · 03/12/2013 05:35

YANBU. Put it in writing. End of subject. They cannot force you to carry it home.

fairylightsatchristmas · 03/12/2013 06:27

yanbu of course about carrying it home but it is important that your daughter practises, so maybe to show a bit of willing your daughter could arrange to do a practice session at school somewhere on a lunchtime maybe?

Littlefish · 03/12/2013 06:37

I absolutely sympathise with your predicament. However, the way you have approached it sounds a little rude. Perhaps if you had expressed it as "Is it ok if dd leaves her instrument at school because of x, y and z", rather than "I have told dd to tell her teacher that she is to leave it at school until after Christmas" you may have had a different reaction. Manners always helps.

oohlalabonbons · 03/12/2013 06:38

You are bu to have told the teacher rather than asked - if lots of parents did this there would be a very overcrowded classroom. Personally, your attitude in the post came across to me as rude. Yes, you shouldn't have to carry a massive instrument around, but you did sign up to say you would do so. Teacher should make an exception for you in your situation, but you should also be asking for this exception, not putting your dd in a position where she is having to 'tell' her teacher something which is clearly against school arrangements is v unfair.

So - both you and teacher aibu.

oohlalabonbons · 03/12/2013 06:39

*which is v unfair

SatinSandals · 03/12/2013 06:46

It always helps to go in and talk about it politely, rather than announce. The way you put it has a huge impact. I wouldn't write, I would just pop in an explain.

LineRunner · 03/12/2013 06:49

I think the 'tough that you're pregnant' comment is a bit unfortunate, as well.

I know a lot of women are fine at 38 weeks but many aren't. I didn't even get to 38 weeks with both of mine as I was so ill with pre-eclampsia. A family friend is currently 38 weeks and she can barely walk.

HarkTEEHeraldAngelsSing · 03/12/2013 06:53

Yes, manners helps. What also helps is not assuming the daughter did not use hers when conveying the message.

Blissx · 03/12/2013 06:59

I agreed with you, OP, right up until, She is very young and doesn't have dc so I don't think she appreciates the physical aspects of late pgy.. This is unnecessary to your point and just seems like a dig at the teacher-of whom you know nothing about. Then i thought, the teacher has a point as how can your DD practise the instrument if she does not have it with her?

Asking the teacher yourself instead of sending your dd as messenger would have been better and she wouldn't now be upset-caught between two people. Calmly sort this out yourself and try not to get pissed off-you don't want stress at this stage.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 03/12/2013 07:04

YABU because we've all been pregnant and had to do things that are uncomfortable. You find a way. There is always a way.

"Telling" the teacher that dd had to leave it at school put the nails in your coffin, as others have said. The teacher is also quite right to say that pregnant mothers or not, if children are lucky enough to be chosen to play an instrument, then they are expected to practise.

Bit of humble pie and explaining needs to be done I think, or you might be complaining next that your daughter has been inexplicably and unfairly stopped from playing an instrument.

notso · 03/12/2013 07:20

Having music lessons isn't just about the lesson it is about the practice as well. You signed the form knowing you were pregnant so you will have to find a way to take the instrument or your DD will have to give it up.
I am guessing she will have to give it up as if you can't manage it now then you won't be able to do it with a pram or wearing a sling either.

IrisWildthyme · 03/12/2013 07:33

YANBU to refuse to carry the heavy thing home.
YABU to expect to resolve this by leaving it in the classroom. if your DD can't practice she can't do the activity. you need to write in and say that she won't be participating an more, unless she can swap to a smaller lighter instrument - tbh a swap is unlikely to be possible but in that case this is just going to be one of those things, like joining in with a mother-and-daughter-trek-up-everest, that you just can't do this year. There will be other fun things she can do at other times.

Original poster

froubylou · 03/12/2013 07:34

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I didn't go in and see the teacher myself as she is too busy (generally) in a morning to speak to parents. Which is fine and it seems a bit of a fafc for both me and the teacher to make a special appointment to discuss a housekeeping matter.

To clarify it is the whole class not just dd who are playing instruments for this year. They are lucky to have this opportunity I agree. However I also didn't realise before I agreed to it coming home just how big and heavy it is. Otherwise given that I was pg in september and it has been a struggle to get it home and back since then I may not have agreed so readily.

I realise that being pg is not an excuse to get out of uncomfortable tasks. But I personally can't see that a few weeks missed practice will hurt much.

Unfortunately as the instruments and tuition us provided by an external company to school, yhr school is not willing to keep the instruments in between lessons other than the Thursday morning when they are collected by the company for use somewhere else over the weekend.

The reason I mentioned the teacher being young and not having dc herself was to point out that she may not understand that some people at 38 weeks struggle with simple, physical tasks. Putting socks and shoes on for instance. Or walking even a short distance unencumbered with anything let alone a large musical instrument. In my last pgy it would have not been an issue. In this one it has.

I will send a note with dd to clarify the situation this morning. To the teacher, the head and also the music company asking for their understanding. I can not obviously guarantee that I will be collecting hrt myself from now on so I don't want my dm to have to get her and lugg it about either. DM lives over a mile from school and doesn't drive.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 03/12/2013 07:36

And lots of best wishes for your festive birth!

ilovesmurfs · 03/12/2013 07:40

You need to write an I letter explaining this rather than letting your daughter tryt o explain.

As an aside my ds2 played the double bass, I carried it a half pour walk to and from school when heavily pregnant and pushing a toddler in a pushachair! I feel your pain!

SunshineMMum · 03/12/2013 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hels71 · 03/12/2013 08:18

One of the children in my school learns baritone (yes it is very big and heavy....) She is not always able to carry it home as sometimes she gets the school bus. Mum spoke to me, I arranged that on certain days she could leave it at school in a safe place and practice at lunchtimes.
The thing is, mum communicated with me, explained the problem and we came up with a solution.

WooWooOwl · 03/12/2013 08:21

I think YABU. It's not up to you to just tell your dd that you will be changing the way the school and an external company has decided to do something, especially after signing a form to say that you will do it, and it's incredibly unfair of you to make your dd be the one to pass on the message.

It seems quite obvious that the school won't have the space to store all these instruments, so it really is quiet inconsiderate of you to take it upon yourself to decide that they will with no discussion.

If it was a problem you should have gone into the school to talk to the teacher about finding a compromise.

If they are doing a piece of music all together at the end of the music sessions then your dd does need to practice.

SilverApples · 03/12/2013 08:30

Have you considered a trolley?
It's a serious suggestion.

Original poster

froubylou · 03/12/2013 08:33

Errm I didn't expect the school to store it. And dd is articulate to pass on a simple message. That I am 100% certain of. And I didn't go in to discuss as I honestly didn't realise it would be an issue that would cause a problem.

I have written a letter this morning explaininf the situation and withdrawing my permission for the instrument to come home and if it is an issue I will come in to discuss. Am having an elcs in 10 more sleeps so it won't be coming home for a while after baby is born unfortunately.

To be honest a bit of thought from the school when allocating instruments would have helped. Another mum is also pg and her ds also has a baritone whilst some dc who are always collected by car have the cornets etc.

Thanks line runner. Looking forward to cuddles in front of Christmas tree.

OP posts:

Musicaltheatremum · 03/12/2013 08:37

She should do some practice over the holidays. Could you not get a taxi home on one day at the end of term and then have it at home over the holidays to use it.

LineRunner · 03/12/2013 08:38

I agree with you about the allocation of instruments. I was yearning for a flute or a recorder. We got a cello. We were one of the very few families with no car, who lived at the edge of catchment.

Pennythedog · 03/12/2013 08:45

I actually really like the trolley idea. How about one of those shopping carts that older people sometimes use?

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