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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike it when people say " I know exactly how you feel"?

44 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 02/12/2013 17:53

Because, in my opinion, they don't. How can they? It's particularly annoying when they say it, followed by an anecdote of their own which bears little relevance to the predicament you yourself are in.

I do realise that most people are trying to be nice and sympathetic when they say this. But it still winds me up.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2013 17:54
Sad
thebody · 02/12/2013 17:58

agree, but they are probably trying to be helpful.

it is daft though because as a someone told my dd ' we can all have the same experience but all feel totally differently about it'.

how YOU feel is just that. how YOU feel.

Mintyy · 02/12/2013 17:59

Try not to get wound up by things like this. People have foibles. Its just a saying really.

Sparklingbrook · 02/12/2013 17:59

I wouldn't say it if I didn't though-that would be a bit odd.

And YY to everyone experiencing things quite differently.

realblueprint · 02/12/2013 18:03

Depends on the context, really:

"I'm really struggling after the death of my partner"

"I know exactly how you feel, I lost my dog recently"

YANBU

"I'm so exhausted and there's so much to do to get ready for christmas and I just can't face it"

"I know exactly how you feel - I haven't even thought about what to get people for christmas yet"

YABU.

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 02/12/2013 18:06

I know people mean well. And I never say "no you bloody well don't know how I'm feeling", but just sometimes it hits a nerve. Ah, it's all semantics innit, I'll go and have a gin and that'll help me forget. :)

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/12/2013 18:11

I agree. There have been times when I don't think people can understand, as much as they say the do. They can empathise, but they can't know exactly how anyone else is feeling.

Sometimes it's hard to remember people's hearts are in the right place way they say something that can't be true and we are hurting do much it's easy to be less thoughtful of the motives of others than we would normally be.

Highlander · 02/12/2013 18:14

Had a friend who's parent died v suddenly.

Her other friend called up and said she knew exactly how friend felt as her cat had died Shock

Justforlaughs · 02/12/2013 18:15

I truly hate this, especially when it is a really emotive issue, such as a loss of a loved one. I think we're probably all guilty of realblueprints second example though. I hope that you are ok OP.

Arabesque1 · 02/12/2013 18:19

It can be annoying if you've been through something major and someone starts equating it with something relatively minor that they've experienced.
I remember a friend of mine getting really irritated when she'd had a pretty major operation and people who'd had C sections and even D&Cs started comparing the two things.

realblueprint · 02/12/2013 18:25

What's to be guilty about though, justforlaughs?

Are you supposed to pretend that you have absolutely no concept of the thing somebody is talking about?

I have no qualms whatsoever about saying the 2nd example. It's true. It's called empathising.

Justforlaughs · 02/12/2013 18:35

Sorry real that's what I meant. Nothing wrong with the second example - I've done it myself, so there can't be Wink

realblueprint · 02/12/2013 18:37
Grin
roses2 · 02/12/2013 18:40

I say this intentionally to people who are constantly whinging thinking they are the only ones things happen to.

Grennie · 02/12/2013 18:41

I know exactly how you feel Juan.

harticus · 02/12/2013 18:53

Yeah fuck those bastards with their fucking empathy eh?

quirrelquarrel · 02/12/2013 18:58

How could you possibly know, Grennie, we're all islands innit

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 02/12/2013 20:25

Those bastards who respond to "MIL won't make it to January" with "I know exactly how you feel, my cousin's got to have a hernia operation" aren't empathetic. They're selfish and unfeeling.

OP posts:
Tikkamasala · 02/12/2013 21:19

YANBU.

My friend equated grieving for my baby with her being sad at having to move away Hmm

Grennie · 02/12/2013 21:38

Quirrel - It was a joke!

missorinoco · 02/12/2013 21:43

Not unreasonable. They don't know how you feel, let alone exactly how. They may know how they felt in a similar or not so similar situation.

It one of those phrases that some people say when trying to be helpful, and some people just say.....("I know how you feel having a five week old baby, I have a new kitten." Er, no, you don't.)

NCISaddict · 02/12/2013 21:49

When I came back to work after my Father's funeral my colleague said ' I know what you're going through,I've had to endure so many deaths' I immediately said something along the lines of 'oh no, what's happened?' She said oh I've just had so many pets die.
Now I love my dog and was very sad when she died but it was nothing like losing my Dad. I just smiled and nodded, any other response would be pointless.

LST · 02/12/2013 21:52

My cuntty knob of a boss said this to me recently...

I'm 30 weeks pregnant with ra, a vile head cold, not been able to take any meds for months and my mum had just been diagnosed with breast cancer... no mate you really fucking don't know how I feel.

LST · 02/12/2013 21:54

nb he is a knob and he was being a patronising twat.

FreudiansSlipper · 02/12/2013 22:06

i think it is just something people say without giving it much thought they are to be nice and often come out with something really stupid (almost what they should not be saying)

it is trying to show empathy but it is not really as you are telling them you know how they feel which you do not just you think you do

it is natural for us to want to make others feel better, not so alone and we often come out with something that does not help at all but others times it can