To dislike it when people say " I know exactly how you feel"?

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Because, in my opinion, they don't. How can they? It's particularly annoying when they say it, followed by an anecdote of their own which bears little relevance to the predicament you yourself are in.

I do realise that most people are trying to be nice and sympathetic when they say this. But it still winds me up.

I think it is well meant but actually a crap thing to say. It makes it all about you. Really empathetic listening involves HEARING what someone is saying to you, rather than telling them what they are feeling.

But normally said with the best of intentions.

One of the worst examples of this sort of this thing was said by my exmil when her sister's son was killed in a car crash aged 25. They'd just been given the new and exmil, in a not very sympathetic voice, came out with the following: I know how you're feeling, I loved him as much as you did, he was like a son to me'.

Truly a jaw on the floor moment.

It can be annoying if you've been through something major and someone starts equating it with something relatively minor that they've experienced.

This.

I think it's good to remember that you don't have to say anything to be sympathetic.

just listen,

maybe a gentle touch, pat, hug. but just listen.

Grennie i was joking too

pigsDOfly I think in that situation the exmil could be forgiven a little; she'd have had a phenomenal shock herself.

My experience is that people come out with some odd, bonkers stuff but chances are they're kicking themselves after. They just don't know what to say. I would rather them blissfully unaware of just how trivial their pain is in a way, and have the decency to talk than to take the coward's way and hide when they see you approach.

I've been guilty of both, I'm sure.

Three days after our son was stillborn my PILs come to visit and 'help' us.

MIL told me she knew exactly how I felt, because when she was pregnant with DH she had a small bleed at 39 weeks and thought that meant he would be born with a finger missing.

When DH cried later on she sat there looking like she was chewing a wasp and finally said "well we feel terrible too, we're so worried about your sisters mortgage."

And then she went on to ask me if it still hurts to give birth when the baby has died and when I was upset by that she told me that I would have to understand how she felt in all of this because it wasn't easy for her as her mother had almost died from pre-eclampsia.

I could go on and on with examples like this from her.

Some people try for the right words and get them wrong and I think we all do it at times. They mean well and I'm sure later on they are appalled at how they came across. Others just seem to want to turn it all back to themselves and really don't care or empathise at all.

It wasn't the shock or anything with MIL either.

Months later she was still saying things just as bad, told me that she didn't consider our babies as 'proper' grandchildren (we had a premature daughter eleven months after our stillborn son and she died neonatally at two hours old).

A year and a half after that MIL was still making nasty comments and explaining to us why she would always feel worse than we did about anything and everything.

Good Lord, When. That's horrendous.

Clearly some people really are narcissistic fuckwits :(

I have heard a lot of this lately.

My children's father (my ex) has a few weeks to months to live. He is 39, our children are young.

A relative came round the other day, told my children she knew what they were going through because she lost her mother. Her mother was in her late 80's when she died and the relative was obviously a grown adult with her own children.

Now sure, plenty of people know all about grief but I have to believe that it is MUCH different losing a parent who is young, when you are a kid to cancer than it is losing a parent who is in there late 80's.

It all hurts, no doubt about it, grief sucks for everyone at any age and any circumstances, but she does not know how my children feel. She just doesn't.

Although I admit I am feeling very sensitive about it lately.

People don't know what to say though. I had someone tell my children not to believe their dad will die, miracles happen, he will be fine, he is strong enough to fight it.

Please don't! He is dying, they need to know that there is no hope. I thought that was cruel.

Some people are just idiots, while some people are actually cunts. Competitive misery is such a bore.

I had a doctor (GP) say it to me once. I was there with a back complaint and she said she knew how I felt because she suffers too.

I can't explain why, because she meant well, but it really really pissed me off.

WhenSarah, that's gobsmackingly horrendous.

So sorry about your children.

I was technically homeless and living in a caravan with 3 kids and DP for a couple of months, and a "friend" said "you are not homeles...stop being a drama queen and that they have had hard times too"...no longer a friend now. .

WhenSarah, I'm so sorry about your babies

Well, there's c-sections and c-sections. They are always a major op, but rarely result in complications.

Yep. Don't mind me, I will ask for my post to be removed. Obviously got a few Ishoos.