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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lovely thought or slightly icky - AIBU?

121 replies

traininthedistance · 01/12/2013 15:13

Sorry if too long! To set the scene, DD was born a few months ago. DH comes from a long family of extreme hoarders - nothing is too weird to keep; they have houses and houses full of their stuff and dead relatives' stuff. They are very well off - household incomes over 80k or more, but are also very very tight with money - DH's aunt's baby gift was two £1 soft toys from IKEA. (DD loves them more than any expensive item though, and I'm not at all precious about presents, this is just to give you an idea of the family background!)

DH's (step, much older) sister didn't give us a baby gift either - I thought it was strange in passing but she's buying a house so assumed money was a bit tight at the moment, no biggie, people don't have to buy us presents! Plus we live in a teeny tiny 2-bed modern flat with only one living room/kitchen and DD's room is minuscule, so we have literally nowhere to store anything and I'm happy to be very minimalist about stuff.

This week I found out from another relative that as a Christening gift to DD, DH's sister is making DD a patchwork quilt - out of their great-grandmother's old clothes. Great-grannie died about a decade ago and all her everyday clothes have been in DH's aunt's attic since then, so DD obviously never met her, and neither did I. Recently DH's aunt expressed a desire to get rid of the clothes but no-one wants to pack them off to the charity shop/landfill (but no-one else in the family wants them in their house to keep either). SIL apparently sees this quilt as a heritage family heirloom item that we are definitely not meant to get rid of.

AIBU to be a bit creeped out about the idea of this? I get that lots of people may say that this is a lovely idea and a nice thing to do; but I have already bought DD a lovely cotbed quilt and feel a bit odd and creeped out about a quilt made of a dead relative's clothes that I didn't even know.

I also think it's more related to the fact that SIL doesn't want to do the emotional work of getting rid of the clothes and is sort of offloading the sentimental responsibility of the clothes onto us if you see what I mean. I think it would be very different if we had expressed a desire to have it or had said we thought it would be lovely for DD, but she hasn't asked us....We really really don't have anywhere to put it to hang on to it.

(And last of all being very PFB I know but I had chosen the things for DD's room and it won't go....) It seems an awkward situation if SIL spends ages making this and we then have to say we don't really want it (though I could never say this - we'd just end up not saying anything, but then how do we deal with her expecting it to be used/kept as a family heirloom?) I really don't like the idea of the quilt at all for DD - sorry if I sound ungrateful!

What to do?

OP posts:

lljkk · 01/12/2013 21:06

I find it quite sad that someone doesn't like patchwork (!), and especially not made out of old fabric.

How addicted our culture is to "new" things or what?

FragglerockAmpersand · 01/12/2013 21:07

Firstly, don't say 'icky' FFS

Secondly I don't think this is about a quilt. You're assuming the quilt's going to be shite. Why? Do you think your SIL lacks skill and taste? Isn't this more about your attitude to your DH's family?

Thirdly, why the references to crimpline slacks and old tights Elderly women are not, for heaven's sake, gross old creatures off of Roald Dahl. Why aren't you wondering what wonderful fabrics she wore when she was younger, or even later in life? My DGM died recently and we've been looking at her beautiful silk blouses and velvet skirts and we;'re all looking forward to making lovely things out of them.

Fourthly, you clearly have no idea the thousands - literally THOUSANDS - of hours of care and skill that go into a (good) patchwork quilt. It's a very generous offer (assuming she knows what she's doing)

Fifthly, this is why patchwork quilts were invented, FGS. To make beautiful things out of old fabric.

Honestly I don't know what's wrong with some of you lot

valiumredhead · 01/12/2013 21:09

I'm in the process of doing exactly the same with my grandmother's clothes. I couldn't bear to think of someone walking around wearing her old clothes but didn't want to 'waste' them either.

When it's finished I'll probably put it in the drawer with her other bits as it makes me sad to see it out. One day I might use it though.

Please accept it OP, your dd might cherish it one day.

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 21:11

But personal likes and dislikes are generally not a moral issue.

ParsleyTheLioness · 01/12/2013 21:11

Just to put it out there...most people are given gifts they are not asked about beforehand. Maybe they do have a problem getting rid of things. But in this case they JUST MIGHT be trying to keep the memory of someone alive, in a nice way. Are you going to take them out and shoot them for it?! You can always put it away, as many others have said. Meh.

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 21:12

I love Elmer. If he died near me I just wouldn't turn him into a throw.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/12/2013 21:14

Personal likes and dislikes aren't a moral issue.

But everyone occasionally gets given a present they don't want and can't return. As a one-off it surely isn't a huge problem?

FragglerockAmpersand · 01/12/2013 21:15

Likes and dislikes aren't a moral issue, fo sho.

Having the grace and good manners to accept a present you may or may not like, in order not to hurt someone's feelings, is a bit of a moral issue, though.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 01/12/2013 21:15

I get she doesn't like it. I just don't get why she thinks it's icky and creepy. And why others have said eww.

hiddenhome · 01/12/2013 21:16

I bet it'll smell of mildew

ChunkyPickle · 01/12/2013 21:17

Another thing thing to put out there - quilts are hard work, even made the fast way with nice new strips of fabric, making one out of old clothes is quite a mission so I reckon it's quite likely that this quilt will never be finished anyhow (speaking as someone with all sorts of half-crocheted blankets and miscellaneous other projects)

Accept it (should it appear), wrap it up and put it somewhere safe. Pass it on to someone in the next generation down when the opportunity presents itself.

2Tiredtocare · 01/12/2013 21:19

Presumably it's not made from clothes relative was wearing when they died???

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 21:20

"Having the grace and good manners to accept a present you may or may not like, in order not to hurt someone's feelings, is a bit of a moral issue, though."

Oh I completely agree with that. And I would say thank you and admire it and probably use it and if truth be told, grow to love it. Then I'd make a start on her Christmas present - the 10 foot statue of liberty gorilla :o

FragglerockAmpersand · 01/12/2013 21:22

Sure the gorilla'd look great in the vegetable patch!

Ach, I think it's a shame people place so much emphasis on new stuff, expensive stuff, stuff that matches precisely with their colour scheme, their ideas, their Pinterest boards...

There are more important things in life than colour swatches and Cath Kidston (that's a thing, right?).

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 21:27

He's an indoor gorilla. Jeez, some people.
I do tend to get new stuff, as an only child with only grandchildren (iyswim). But new isn't that crucial to me and I had plenty of passed down stuff and passed plenty of stuff down. It's not the non-newness that I'm not keen on. I'm not a 'fussy' person and it doesn't get much more fussy than patchwork.

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 21:28

And I can't bear Cath Kidston for exactly that reason. I may have been born in the 70s but I don't want to live there.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/12/2013 21:29

I quite fancy an indoor gorilla. He'd be company for DH.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/12/2013 21:29

(And, oh god, can't stand Cath Kidston.)

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 21:29

I am queen of the magnolia paint and tasteful yet dull prints on the walls. There's a reason for that. DH and I are the least creative, least artistic people we know.

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 21:30

tries to avoid obvious comparison of my own, hairy, DH and a gorilla
fails

TopHatAndTails · 01/12/2013 21:30

I buy and sell vintage clothes so this seems a terrible waste to me

I would just hide it away if you don't like it but it may be gorgeous!

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 21:30

So within 10 minutes you know my DH is hairy and uncreative and lives in magnolia palace where the only patchwork is in the bookshelves.
I'm outed, aren't I?

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 21:31

I'll add you to the gorilla list LRD. I just need to buy a hammer and a shitload of pliable metal. And a "Gorilla hammering for IDIOTS" book

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/12/2013 21:32

BoffinMum · 01/12/2013 21:42

I think it's a smidgin creepy but if it ends up being beautifully designed and made you may change your mind.

But I know what you mean about the hoarding. I just had the mother of all rows with DH as his family's century old crap has been piled up in our sitting room and/or dining room for eight months with me shuffling it painfully backwards and forwards periodically, and I just told him he did not have the right to fill the house with it any longer, half the house was mine and not his to take over, and he should either get a storage unit, get rid of other things to make space for it, or ditch it. It didn't end well but at least he put it in the loft. In my pique I threatened to decorate it all with tinsel and lights for the Christmas season, but he didn't see the funny side. He keeps being frosty and treating me like I am Hyacinth Bucket.

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