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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lovely thought or slightly icky - AIBU?

121 replies

traininthedistance · 01/12/2013 15:13

Sorry if too long! To set the scene, DD was born a few months ago. DH comes from a long family of extreme hoarders - nothing is too weird to keep; they have houses and houses full of their stuff and dead relatives' stuff. They are very well off - household incomes over 80k or more, but are also very very tight with money - DH's aunt's baby gift was two £1 soft toys from IKEA. (DD loves them more than any expensive item though, and I'm not at all precious about presents, this is just to give you an idea of the family background!)

DH's (step, much older) sister didn't give us a baby gift either - I thought it was strange in passing but she's buying a house so assumed money was a bit tight at the moment, no biggie, people don't have to buy us presents! Plus we live in a teeny tiny 2-bed modern flat with only one living room/kitchen and DD's room is minuscule, so we have literally nowhere to store anything and I'm happy to be very minimalist about stuff.

This week I found out from another relative that as a Christening gift to DD, DH's sister is making DD a patchwork quilt - out of their great-grandmother's old clothes. Great-grannie died about a decade ago and all her everyday clothes have been in DH's aunt's attic since then, so DD obviously never met her, and neither did I. Recently DH's aunt expressed a desire to get rid of the clothes but no-one wants to pack them off to the charity shop/landfill (but no-one else in the family wants them in their house to keep either). SIL apparently sees this quilt as a heritage family heirloom item that we are definitely not meant to get rid of.

AIBU to be a bit creeped out about the idea of this? I get that lots of people may say that this is a lovely idea and a nice thing to do; but I have already bought DD a lovely cotbed quilt and feel a bit odd and creeped out about a quilt made of a dead relative's clothes that I didn't even know.

I also think it's more related to the fact that SIL doesn't want to do the emotional work of getting rid of the clothes and is sort of offloading the sentimental responsibility of the clothes onto us if you see what I mean. I think it would be very different if we had expressed a desire to have it or had said we thought it would be lovely for DD, but she hasn't asked us....We really really don't have anywhere to put it to hang on to it.

(And last of all being very PFB I know but I had chosen the things for DD's room and it won't go....) It seems an awkward situation if SIL spends ages making this and we then have to say we don't really want it (though I could never say this - we'd just end up not saying anything, but then how do we deal with her expecting it to be used/kept as a family heirloom?) I really don't like the idea of the quilt at all for DD - sorry if I sound ungrateful!

What to do?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 17:19

Do people really think it's a lovely idea?

A lovely idea is when someone with good taste asks in advance whether you'd like a quilt and doesn't make it when you say no thanks. If "yes" is the answer the lovely person then shows you the type of fabric they were intending to use and asks whether you like it. If you say no thanks, they ask you to either supply your own or point them in the direction of the fabric you do like.

Making a quilt for a child without referring to the parents, out of an old lady hoarder's clothes because you don't want to throw away the clothes, is not, not, NOT a lovely idea. It's a justification of hoarding.

Does anyone really think the quilt that appears will be like those in that link? Really? It's more likely to be made out of old tights and knickers.

Balaboosta · 01/12/2013 17:20

Oh god. YABU. It's not even made yet. It takes years to make a patchwork quilt. No way she's going to get round to that! Relax already.

TillyTotter1 · 01/12/2013 17:43

I think you're being a bit mean. Hand sewn quilts take FOREVER to make between measuring, cutting, pinning etc. before you get near a needle. Even if it's not your cup of tea you should appreciate the thought behind it. At the end of the day, she will probably never be in the child's room anyway so you don't actually have to use it or you can just say you don't want to take the chance of it being ruined as she is so young.

Smile and say thank you for being so thoughtful

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 17:50

they might take forever to make but if the recipient doesn't want it, it's not much of a gift.
I could hammer you a giant metal gorilla posed as the statue of liberty. It would take me ages. Would you smile politely and say thank you?

Edenviolet · 01/12/2013 17:58

If its clean then I don't think it would be a problem. Give it a good wash when you get it and if its hideous just put it away.

I have a lovely crochet bed jacket that was g g gm, I used to wear it when I was little as got cold in bed. I remember my DM always telling me that it was a dead persons bed jacket but that made me think it was even better (i was odd) Dh always laughs when I put it on as its not the prettiest thing but I like it !

WorrySighWorrySigh · 01/12/2013 17:59

But what is the thought behind it?

Is it 'here is something for you to to love and keep forever'? Or is it 'here is something which you have to keep forever because I said so'?

Gifts like this seem to be all about the giver not the recipient.

ImperialBlether · 01/12/2013 18:03

Exactly. It's "I'm going to give you this gift whether you like it or not."

JumpingJackSprat · 01/12/2013 18:06

There are some right ungrateful bastards on this thread. Telling her the kids is allergic to it? Or that is been ruined through sick? Can I reiterate is not for you its for your child so all you can really do is say thanks and put it away for her in the future if you really can't bear for it to clash with the decor.

Or you could tell your sil the truth so she knows not to bother giving your child anything requiring thought and effort in the future as you won't appreciate it.

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 18:09

:o

DeathByLaundry · 01/12/2013 18:13

I can see both sides. In your shoes when I had a tiny pfb I would have felt exactly the same. However, three things have happened over the years which have changed my feelings.

MIL died. Everything is a bit more precious. Family history disappears a while lifetime at a time. It's not like years ebbing away slowly.

I took up crochet and realised the time and value of something handmade. I now truly treasure handmade things I was given for my children when they were babies.

And finally and most significantly, I've lightened up in a way that only several years of parenthood can achieve Grin

"Thank you, how beautiful, and what a lovely sentiment!" :)

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 01/12/2013 18:29

i think its a lovely idea. would it make a wall hanging in her room? if not pack nicely in a box (with moth repellant) and photos / keepsakes of great gran and kep until she is older, will be fascinating i am sure.

fluffyraggies · 01/12/2013 18:30

Ungrateful is an odd word though. I don't think it's ungrateful to really not want something. You can be grateful for the time taken over something - but hate it all the same. Unappreciative is another thing entirely.

I was the one who suggested making up an allergy Grin

I think the situation should be handled carefully to save feelings. FWIW I think it would be rude, possibly 'ungrateful' to accept and then abuse the item.

This is rather an unusual case - the making of a baby item out of a random dead lady's clothes (form the OPs point of view) which have been left in a loft for 10 years, without asking the recipient if they fancy the idea.

We're not just talking about Aunt Maud knitting a jumper in an dodgy colour here. It's quite a big deal, a quilt. It could be ginormous! (and ugly)

Thymeout · 01/12/2013 18:32

Traditionally, quilts were made out of old clothes. You didn't go out and buy specially matching lengths of material. Part of their appeal is that they provide a link between the past and the present.

The fact that you had never met this relative is totally irrelevant. The clothes in this quilt will have belonged to your dd's great, great granny. I can imagine that it will have a special meaning for her one day.

Don't use it, or wash it. Put it away safely and perhaps ask for some photos of great, great granny to keep with it to show your dd when she's older.

It's a much more thoughtful gift than a Mothercare voucher.

Thymeout · 01/12/2013 18:33

Sorry Stepaway - cross posted!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 01/12/2013 19:51

I still don't get why its creepy or icky...

WorrySighWorrySigh · 01/12/2013 20:14

I find it odd that the clothes are being reverenced. These were an elderly lady's everyday clothes. Were they that special to the lady?

peppinagiro · 01/12/2013 20:20

I really think a Mothercare voucher would be a lot more thoughtful. OP, it sounds like you don't have loads of space to be storing away 'thoughtful' items of dubious sentimental value that your DC may or may not but probably won't want in 18 years time. My family are hoarders too and the crap we've had offloaded on us out of their attics 'to put away for when she's older'. Put away WHERE?!

Personally I would try derailing the project, maybe by innocently remarking that I'd bought a lovely quilt for DC so another crimplene monstrosity one is superfluous TYVM. Failing that, vaccuum pack and store if you're feeling generous. But I'd probably just donate it to charity or something and tell SiL that it was a tragic casualty of a poomageddon incident.

soverylucky · 01/12/2013 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wigglesrock · 01/12/2013 20:32

I like crocheted blankets/throws etc. My granny got her friends & nuns she knew etc, to do me 3 or 4 when dd1 was born. I loved them, almost 9 years & 3 kids later they're still used if the kids are ill or fancy a cuddle. But I'm a bit confused re the old clothes - I'm not sure if I'd fancy a quilt made from Littlewoods slacks.

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 20:42

"You didn't go out and buy specially matching lengths of material. Part of their appeal is that they provide a link between the past and the present."

All fine - but fairly irrelevant if you simply don't like patchwork quilts.
I don't like whiskey. You could buy me a bottle of the finest, £1,000 whiskey, specially crafted from a long-dead monk's urine, and knowing all that wouldn't make me like it.

peppinagiro · 01/12/2013 20:42

Seriously though, it won't stop with this one thing. Let this through the door, and it'll be a slippery slope to them offloading generations of hoarded tat on you.

Jux · 01/12/2013 20:51

It may not be all crimplene horror though. It may be very beautiful material - silks, linens, velvets - especially as they are a well-off family. Your dh's relative may have shopped in all the best places and got really good clothes, designer stuff.

Could you say that you've got the colour scheme for the room/bed linen organised, and so could you at least look at the clothes to see which things would look best?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/12/2013 20:51

Oh dear. I made a quilt for my niece (not out of secondhand fabric, but only because I didn't have anything nice to hand). I didn't realize it was such a rude thing to do. It doesn't take years, either - few months, and I was fairly lazy about it.

Of course if it's hideous you do as said - especially if you don't like quilts no matter what (as SPB says) or if it turns out it's made of shite. But it doesn't strike me as a particularly out-there gift and, to be fair, I think the idea that someone should ask you first if you want a quilt, and offer to buy the fabric that you choose, is ridiculously precious.

MrsMook · 01/12/2013 20:57

Imagines a quilt made of my DC's GG Grandma's clothes... Yes they were crimpline horrors, but it would be a very interesting textural and colour experience for baby to play with...

I like the idea of it being a link between the past and new generations. I have a few bits of my Great Grandma's jewelery, and my grandma has some bits that go back much further. It's lovely to keep that link of family history even when you haven't known people.

Hayleychopper · 01/12/2013 21:00

Maybe use it for a play mat, it wont matter then if it doesn't fit with your decor but its being used and not discarded, it will be seen as something useful and wanted even if its not to your taste.

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