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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday party etiquette

44 replies

jussey17 · 01/12/2013 14:56

AIBU to hate parties. Just returned from a party where the hosting mother said she was looking forward to my ds's 4th party next week. She had not previously replied (invites sent over 4 weeks ago)and has now taken my numbers over 12 so I need to pay more for venue (insurance related) and I only have party bags for 12. Is it safe to expect at least 1 no show?

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 01/12/2013 15:03

Hmm, there are usually no shows, but I've always had more people who didn't RSVP turn up anyway than no shows.

Dancergirl · 01/12/2013 15:06

Oh dear, did you say you thought her ds wasn't coming as she hadnt replied?

TeenAndTween · 01/12/2013 15:08

you may get no shows, but you may also getting non-repliers turning up.

Jinty64 · 01/12/2013 15:14

You were too slow! "oh, sorry, I have finalised the numbers and can't add anyone else now" would have sufficed.

Original poster
jussey17 · 01/12/2013 15:17

I've had lots of non responders too. I did say to the hosting mother "oh you are coming!" which was awkward, but didn't see why I should excuse her crap behaviour. Also I was the only parent to stay at a 4 yr olds party. Am really regretting inviting people from nursery who I don't know, as I think they just expect to dump their children and leave. Is it me who is out of kilter or is this normal behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
jussey17 · 01/12/2013 15:19

Good idea jinty wish I'd thought of that. Nothing I can do now as I have no way of contacting her.

OP posts:
AuditAngel · 01/12/2013 15:26

I think it depends. DD and DS have a habit of not bringing invitations home, so I know nothing about them.

I know how annoying it is to have non responders arrive, and in one case turn up with 2 siblings who then asked where their party bag was [tchconfused]

DH works weekends. I have 3DC, DD2 has never been invited to a party (I think this is quite sad, but she didn't have a party either).

With 3 DC I can't stay without keeping the other children there, which is worse? I try to ask one specific parent to keep an eye on my child, for the toilet etc so the party mum isn't saddled.

FunkyBoldRibena · 01/12/2013 17:46

I'd go with the 12 and if she turns up; say 'ooh, I checked our RSVPs and you hadn't responded so I thought you must have got the parties muddled up so I kept it to the people who responded in time'.

AdventColander · 01/12/2013 18:01

Did you put a rsvp date on the invite? Cos if you did and the date has passed, you would be justified in saying you assumed she wasnt coming as she hadnt replied. If no rsvp date, then what Jinty said.

ICameOnTheJitney · 01/12/2013 19:34

yabu,,,,you should expect the amount you invite...it's not at all unusual to get rsvps the day before....rude but common.

SoupDragon · 01/12/2013 19:35

Perhaps she did RSVP and you didn't get it.

Only1scoop · 01/12/2013 19:37

I'd add her on to numbers just incase all 12 turn up. We had this happen also someone just turned up on day!

CombineBananaFister · 01/12/2013 20:17

Think it's bloody annoying too. Had to invite the whole of Ds' class as per the inclusion rule which was ok because it was a new term and too early for friendship groups PLUS his 1st ever party so more the merrier.

Out of 25 only 8 replied. Out of 25, 23 ACTUALLY turned up and some with siblings Shock. Seems par for the course now I think that you get an invite and then you go unless you don't feel like it/hungover/get better offer, no need to respond. Would say tough shit though if you don't have enough party bags etc. I am so laidback am horizontal but even I was shocked. Think you may get many more.

Guess manners just don't apply anymore Sad

AuditAngel · 01/12/2013 20:20

Banana, what do you mean you had to invite the whole class? Unless school were paying, I would say school rules don't apply.

ICameOnTheJitney · 01/12/2013 21:15

I can't wait till DD is a leetle bit less interested in having ALL her mates. The most memorable party she went to in reception was a tea party at her friend's house where just she and 3 others were invited. They were basically the little lads best friends. They had sandwiches, crisps, cakes and jelly and pass the parcel and she still talks about it a year later!

Original poster
jussey17 · 01/12/2013 22:44

I checked because I thought I may have made a mistake with the rsvps but definitely nothing. If people come who haven't replied they will not be able to participate as it is a gymnastics party so numbers limited. Seriously worried now that I may have even more extras. Wish I could call the whole thing off as am now absolutely dreading it, all because of one "shit for brains" woman. Never again.

OP posts:
hippo123 · 01/12/2013 22:48

I've had rsvps on the morning of a party, plus those who haven't replied just turning up, sometimes with uninvited siblings. You should have put a RSVP by date on the invites.

ChristmasJumperWearer · 01/12/2013 22:54

Re the drop-and-go thing, 4yo is when this starts as it is when most children are able to go to the toilet unaided in theory. Parents with older children won't even bat an eyelid before running off. Be prepared with some extra adults on hand to assist with toilet trips and food/drinks. Try bribery to persuade the parents to stay - alcohol or some snacks?

Even if you had put an RSVP date there would still (IME) be a hardcore of parents who won't respond and will decide on the day. Hmm

ICameOnTheJitney · 01/12/2013 22:59

Jussey well why did you invite more than the allowable number in the first place? Confused Usually, in a party like this, the organisers tell you the number, then you ask that amount only.

SoupDragon · 01/12/2013 23:23

all because of one "shit for brains" woman

This is really rather nasty.

bubalou · 01/12/2013 23:50

I'm going to jump on your rant her and say that it's so fucking rude! I had similar with ds 5th party a few months back.

There were 35 kids, I had to chase 15 of the parents who didn't bother to reply. 2 were sick on the day, 1 didn't show up with no explanation, 1 turned up who didn't reply and I couldn't get hold of so I assumed wasn't coming! I said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realise x was coming and I don't have her food choices or a meal for her'.

She didn't apologise, just a said she had been busy. Invites were sent out 7 weeks before party as it was in summer holiday!

Arrrggghhhh Confused

Original poster
jussey17 · 02/12/2013 00:41

Icameonthejinty I invited more children as after almost three weeks only 2/12 people had replied.

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 02/12/2013 09:10

Ah OP, that was your mistake! You won't do that again.
Always chase the non repliers before asking anyone extra. Unless you have clearly stated on the invitation something like "RSVP by XXX otherwise we will assume you are not coming and there will be no place for you".

My youngest is in y4 now. There are some children who no longer get invited as they never reply and never turn up, so it is a waste of energy inviting them.

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 09:52

Yes, that was your mistake. You can't do that...it's crap but many people are terrible at RSVP-ing and you should never assume they won't come.

What I do is if I need to know by a certain date, I put it clearly on the invitation that the venue needs a confirmation of the numbers by x day or there won't be enough space. I also do a text check about a week before the day...then those who have not responded are jogged.

Now you're in an awkward position....you will need to make sure the venue can accomodate for all you have asked or you'll really look bad. Children who have been invited need to be catered for.

bolderdash · 02/12/2013 09:54

YANBU it's a rubbish way to treat someone. Beware though - we had one who did this then didn't turn up on the day. No apology or explanation afterwards.

Her mum still smiles and says hello as if it never happened. I wonder if she's noticed I don't invite her dc any more. Probably not.