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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday party etiquette

44 replies

jussey17 · 01/12/2013 14:56

AIBU to hate parties. Just returned from a party where the hosting mother said she was looking forward to my ds's 4th party next week. She had not previously replied (invites sent over 4 weeks ago)and has now taken my numbers over 12 so I need to pay more for venue (insurance related) and I only have party bags for 12. Is it safe to expect at least 1 no show?

OP posts:

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 09:54

People are so entitled it drives me mad. All this "We're busy" crap. How hard is it to send a text a few days after you receive an invitation? In this house, book bags are checked the moment the DC leave school and any invitations are dealt with quickly.

For those people who "can't say" where they'll be in 3 weeks time....then refuse the invitation...it's rude to keep your options open.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 02/12/2013 10:02

jitney I can't reply a couple of days later because I don't until I get the email with that weekends football fixtures. I don't know what time ds2 is playing, what day and time.

If I reply to a party 3 weeks in advance, I might then end up having to cancel 10 days later.

That's not being entitled. It's just logistically not possible to say yes or no 3 weeks in advance.

lljkk · 02/12/2013 11:47

ime only 1 or 2 invited but didn't RSVP will turn up, meanwhile 1 or 2 will be ill.

Is it really that much trouble to make up a few extra party bags & pay more on the day if extras show up?

greenfolder · 02/12/2013 12:45

My dds recent 6th birthday, I put a A4 sheet in an A4 envelope so it looked like from the school. I popped an invite but also a letter that said that I needed a response in 5 days (allowed a weekend).I said if I had not had a text/message by x date I would assume child could not come. No kidding I had 9 out of 10 replies within 24 hours and the last one just before the date. I said in the note that I had to pay in full on that day and their response was important. Try it- it worked!

thefuturesnotourstosee · 02/12/2013 13:28

Had DD's party a couple of weeks ago. We invited her whole class of 30. We got 20 acceptatances, 2 regrets and 8 none responders. All 8 of them turned up one of them with a friend, 3 with one sibling and one of them with THREE SIBLINGS. In the case of the last lot their mum dumped and left all 4 of them before I'd even realised. Thankfully the two older ones turned out to be absolutely lovely and very helpful .

Party was meyhem though and we had to pay out a lot more than planned Luckily I'd assumed everyone would turn up and made extra party bags. I'd then assumed there'd be a few siblings and done an extra half dozen. We only just had enough

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 13:49

Tantrums No it's not logistically impossible....it's a choice you're making...to inconvenience other people because of your child's commitment to football. The football is your choice....it is thoughtless and selfish to leave people hanging just so you can keep your options open.

If you want to dedicate every weekend to soccer...in theory...then that's what you do.

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 13:50

green that's a very good tip...some invitations are tiny and get stuck in books.

Balaboosta · 02/12/2013 14:01

God, you all sound horrid on this thread! I never thought to get stressed at people about this. Or stop inviting children for this kind of reason. It's a children's party, not army manoeuvres! If someone hasn't replied, assume they're coming or give them a call to ask.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 02/12/2013 14:07

To inconvience other people because my child has made a commitment to a team which means I may only be able to RSVP 7 days before a party not 21 days before??

And that's being thoughtless?

It's hardly "keeping my options open" if the match is the same time as the party he won't be going. That's quite a simple thing to understand, luckily his friends parents have a bit more understanding and are able to comprehend that if the party is on a Saturday or Sunday I won't be able to RSVP the very second I get the invitation.

Maybe they have less time on their hands to get in a state about not being utterly perfect and dealing with the invitation at 3.16pm the day it is given out.

Shamoy · 02/12/2013 14:08

But she did reply. A week before the party in person! Does it have to be a written reply to count?

randomquicknamechange · 02/12/2013 14:09

At DDs 4th party I invited 27, had 15 reply, 2 yeses didn't come but with the extras I had 21 turn up. I had made up 18 party bags so my mum and dad ran to tesco to get some more.
It was a hire a ha

DeWe · 02/12/2013 14:09

Is this reverse? I'm sure I read the reverse of this not very long ago, where the OP was furious because she'd replied the night before and been told she couldn't come? I think most of the replies were saying "she should be able to squeeze another in"...

I wouldn't rely on no shows. I've had three children, with parties acordingly, and had 2 no shows (same child 2 different years), 1 child turning up and not wanting to be left when her mum couldn't stay, so went again and one party where 3 went down with a sickness bug the night before. All others have had exactly who I expected.

randomquicknamechange · 02/12/2013 14:09

Oops hire a hall so it wasn't a bother really. All the parents stayed.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 02/12/2013 14:15

if numbers count, you need to put an RSVP-by date on the invitation

I also think it's to be expected that if you RSVP late, it's assumed that you're not coming. I just RSVPed late to one of DD1's parties, and double checked with the mum that there was still a space for us.

at dd1's last party I had 1 arrive who didn't RSVP, 3 no-shows who had said they'd be there, and 2 uninvited siblings, so it all evened out

Justforlaughs · 02/12/2013 14:18

I don't think I've ever had anyone turn up who didn't reply, although I did have one cancellation on the morning, once. I'm obviously either really lucky or very scary

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 14:34

Tantrums you never said that it was 7 days notice that you generally give. You made it sounds like a few days....I think a week is fine and the OP made a mistake.

bubalou · 02/12/2013 22:27

Balaboosta - we aren't horrid.

For my sons 5th I needed numbers as most people do with parties. We needed to know the number of party bags and we had to pay for the type of entertainment per person and the lunch we served wasn't a buffet, they all had their own lunches with their names on.

Why should I make extra and pay extra because some rude twat can't be bothered to tell me if they can or can't make it.

Noggie · 02/12/2013 22:39

You are completely reasonable- I'm not sure why people don't respond.... Normal good manners and following instructions would mean people should but they don't!

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/12/2013 22:59

Noggie well I think Tantrums gave a clear picture of why....they're waiting for a better offer usually. Sometimes I am sure that invitatinos go astray....or some people are under immense pressure with work, children with SN or just with large families and that can make people forget...but generally, people are just rude and think they can decide when they like.

OP shouldn';t have invited more kids though...bad idea!

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