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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So who is UB?

59 replies

tillyo · 30/11/2013 22:16

Back story, DH Nan passed away last Sunday very suddenly from a fall. On Wednesday Mil invited us round for dinner as Bil kids will be there (we don't see them much) we said will be round about 3. Mil then said she needed to sort Nan's flat out so DH asked to go with her on Saturday which was agreed. So come today we phoned as we left home and said "we're popping to asda and be we'll round at planned time" we turn up just before 3. As soon as we get there Fil already has kids jackets on to take them to watch Bil play football and Mil and Dh aunt have they coats on. They explained that they was going to nans to sort her clothes out for the funeral parlor so Dh said we'll come Aunt then turns rounds and said i don't want you there its a personal thing and that they are only going to choose clothes. Big argument started with Dh telling her to F off she then threatens to lamp him one. i step in and say it was the way she said it and was told she was grieving for her mum and cause Dh has not seen Nan for a while that we have no right to be there. They ended up going with out us and we stayed in Mil house on our own for 45 minutes when they came back aunt refused to talk to us and left without evening saying goodbye. who is BU here? Dh is going to text to say sorry regardless for his DM as it will cause problems at funeral but not sure what to say as we don't mean it. We ended up going round there later but its the way we was spoken to.

Sorry so long

OP posts:
WestieMamma · 30/11/2013 22:41

You and your husband are BU.

Original poster
tillyo · 30/11/2013 22:41

I stepped in after. I just don't think its right that her children can go but Mil's children can't go. Same with the funeral. They only have time for 2 readings so both aunts children are doing them not any of the other grand kids. Herother sisiter lives in spain and cause she didn't come back the same day nan died she is now refusing to let her other sister have anything to do with arranging the funeral and told her if she gets Mum flowers she will make sure they don't make it the where nan will be buried.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/11/2013 22:43

Whatever else you drip feed into the thread, it doesn't take away the fact your DH and you were being totally unreasonable, when the this woman wanted to do something so private.

SweetSeraphim · 30/11/2013 22:45

Exactly what Worra said. All the rest of it is irrelevant. What you & your dh did was start some Kyle-esque style argument with a woman who has just lost a parent. You could have walked away.

WestieMamma · 30/11/2013 22:45

Doesn't matter one jot what you think is right and fair. It's nothing to do with you. It's up to the daughters to sort it out between themselves. Everyone else should keep their beaks out and leave them to it.

LittlePeaPod · 30/11/2013 22:46

your DHs poor Aunt. She losses her mother then has to deal with her own DN telling her to fuck off. And you are on here clearly expectinus to say your Dhs aunt was BU Confused. What a delightful couple you too sound! Hmm

www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/empathy

MyPrettyToes · 30/11/2013 22:46

I would be really pissed off if my cousin and his wife invited themselves to something so private, then behaved so belligerently when told no. You and your husband both sound awful.

Apologise to her and mean it

KerwhizzedMyElf · 30/11/2013 22:47

Yeah, your new story of events makes no sense. I'm inclined to believe the first post you made before you realised everyone would agree you were being douches. Stop playing tit for tat and apologise properly and mean it.

JeanSeberg · 30/11/2013 22:47

...and now you're finding fault with her funeral arrangements. Wow. You sound awful.

Fakebook · 30/11/2013 22:47

It's not a competition! So what if her children are doing the readings? Why is it so important to go to her house? Maybe they were closer to the nan than your DH? Someone has just died, have some respect and stop creating feuds.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 30/11/2013 23:14

No words. You and your charming DH are.
Full stop.

footballagain · 30/11/2013 23:37

I'm not surprised she said she'd lamp your dh.

My mum passed away recently, if my nephew had tried to muscle in on me going to sort out her personal effects I think I might have done exactly the same.

The funeral readings are also nothing to do with you.

lookatmybutt · 30/11/2013 23:46

You do realise that when you give your side of the argument on the internet, you're supposed to try to make yourself look like the reasonable one?

That's not happening here.

You and your husband both sound utterly unreasonable.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 30/11/2013 23:53

Eh, so the aunt can take her children to the house but your mil can't?

The aunts children can read at the funeral but your mils can't.

I don't think you've explained this well but if that's the case I understand why your dh is annoyed. He is being excluded.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 30/11/2013 23:56

Clearly against the grain here, but your aunt sounds very controlling.

BackforGood · 30/11/2013 23:57

^You do realise that when you give your side of the argument on the internet, you're supposed to try to make yourself look like the reasonable one?

That's not happening here.

You and your husband both sound utterly unreasonable.^

This ^

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 01/12/2013 00:00

The mil invites them to the Nan's house.

They agree.

The aunt says no it's private. They argue. Aunt says she'll thump them. Dh says fuck off.

The aunt takes her own children to the house instead.

Erm - I'm not getting what outrageous thing they've done.

JeanSeberg · 01/12/2013 00:01

Contr

JeanSeberg · 01/12/2013 00:01

Controlling how exactly?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 01/12/2013 00:03

The mil has lost her mother too?

Can't she decide who she'd like to accompany her to the house and read at the funeral?

jacks365 · 01/12/2013 00:06

This is a ghostly the problem is we are only getting part of the story but key facts are that he hadn't seen his nan in a long time, maybe the other grandchildren visited every other day. I'd question why he even wanted to go. Yes he is being excluded but it could be because he chose to exclude himself from his nans life when he had the chance.

missingmumxox · 01/12/2013 00:30

Er! Where exactly where aunts children allowed to go? You are making a real hash of this story,
yrbu,

JeanSeberg · 01/12/2013 00:34

How is he being excluded? Not usual for a grandson to pick out the funeral outfit. Only 2 readings at a funeral is perfectly normal - bizarre to think grandchildren would also get to make one. Funeral lasts ~30 mins

Thank fuck I was fortunate enough to only be surrounded by thoughtful people when I planned my mum's funeral.

HootShoot · 01/12/2013 00:45

Choosing the clothes your mother is going to be buried or cremated in is such a deeply personal and painful thing. I can't believe your dh told his aunt to f off at such a painful time in her life. Horrible behaviour from him.

ilovesooty · 01/12/2013 01:00

In common with most posters my sympathies are with the aunt. Your husband sounds dreadful and your behaviour was nothing to be proud of either. You should both apologise and mean it.