To throw a pack of wet wipes at my husband?

[appletarts]

Well I didn't actually throw them at him! they didn't hit him! I threw them into the room past him! not even aiming at him! I feel the need to say that! I am so frustrated. Can you please tell me would you be wound up with this? Today we were having homemade pizzas and we always have mushroom, DS has food allergies so has to have lots of veg as no cheese. So DH does usual shop this morning and mushrooms are on the list but he comes home without them, I don't make any fuss, no big deal. So he makes pizzas (this is the only meal he makes each week, saturday morning) while I clean upstairs. Turns out he has put one of the pizzas on a pizza tray with holes flat on the bottom of the (not so clean) oven, not on a rack, flat on the bottom of the oven. Plus on DS pizza he has only put courgette and pepper, no other veg. So now I'm frigging irritated because the pizza for DS looks very sorry for itself and our pizza is flat on bottom of grubby oven. STILL I bite my tongue. Then he hoovers downstairs for 15 minutes to do a bad job and then when I come back down the sodding pizzas are burnt, he'll eat them but they're crap and burnt. I blew up and threw a pack of wet wipes at him and he's stormed out leaving DS upset not knowing where he's gone. GRRR He regularly does small bodge ups like this and I'm losing patience fast. Would you be pissed off? I've now spent 20 mins cleaning up kitchen after him and whole lot went in bin and I had to make another lunch which is all taking time away from reading I'm meant to be doing for my degree - ARSE>

YABU to throw wipes

HOWEVER my DH (lovely bloke) is the same. I do 90% of the childcare/house stuff and leave him to get on with 10%. He will generally make a mess of most things - continuous small things. For example - going out without kids brushing teeth, buying incorrect ingredients for a dinner party at the supermarket, not thinking about what meal he's cooking us/ingredients needed and so regularly putting together some totally vile concoction, not reading the kids needs well enough (sleep/food/attention), not seeing or doing the obvious even when highlighted in a gentle fashion.

I think part if the problem is that he doesn't register information and struggles having to think about others needs. The main part of the problem is not listening.

My DP has an extremely high iq and has extraordinary knowledge on ridiculous useless things but is so utterly crap at anything practical. To make things worse, the educational psychiatrist who helps him with his extreme dyslexia also informs him he has absolutely no short term memory.
This makes it so so hard to get him to do anything householdy as he just can't remember.
To be fair to him, he genuinely does try and likes to be left very detailed list with exact instructions.

He forgets basic care like putting coats on the kids? And your son's allergies? Is it possible that he has an undiagnosed SN? Like a per poster said, one of the symptoms of dyslexia is poor working memory and a lack of organisational skills. I think ADHD can manifest itself like that in adults too

Either that, or he just doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself!

YABU to chuck stuff but...

I do sympathise!

I've been called "too efficient" just because I like to get things done properly and am organised.

I bite my tongue a lot

We're just different people.

I do get irritated at little things that seem obvious to me. You take something out of the fridge, use part of it, you put it back don't leave it sitting on the worktop! Wet towels on the floor do not dry!

It's just sometimes the general dopiness gets a bit much and every few months there might be a few words where I agree I might be over-reacting and he admits he can see how it's annoying.

We're probably due to have the exact same conversation again in new year

I don't think YABU at ALL.

Going against the grain I know, but I don't blame you for your actions. He sounds like another child and totally useless and also you have to worry all the time about how he is/if he is looking after the children properly. That would get to anyone after a while.

The starter thing and other examples you mentioned would drive anyone mad. Just plain thoughtlessness, unless it is something more serious and he needs to see a doctor.

I think I'm more of the dopey one in my relationship - although I do most of the cooking. The way I work it out with DH is that I do most of the work outside the home and he does most of the domestic stuff, he pays the bills and things and even opens my post and sorts out my credit card and things.

We tried splitting things down the middle but I could never do the domestic things to his standards. Would a cleaner division of labour help?

yab pathetic

akachan I think that's part of the answer. Take yesterday for example, baby is recovering from tonsillitis and he takes him out for a walk in a light autumn coat even though before I went out I said to put him in his padded all in one cos it's freezing. This is the sort of thing I mean.

I think we're going to relate, I know I can't live like this for the next 30 years and to get to the point where I'm chucking wet wipes across the room means something needs to change.

YANBU he is taking no responsibility and leaving it to you. The pj thing shows how little he respects your time - as if you're just there to be his PA. I would ignore him when he asks where they are. No wonder you got frustrated.

I think it's important to try to separate really important things (baby needs a coat) from not important (pizza on a tray on the oven floor). What about a checklist?

He can't be bothered to discipline our toddler, today he said it's just repetitive and he's had enough, I've said well yes it is repetitive and you can't give up but he wandered off and fixed himself a snack. Today I've done it all while he's pottered about, I'm becoming furious and am spending the time I should be spending on reading because I'm doing everything. I am so maddened and then he says things to wind me up too like he didn't think I've cleaned the whole house when I have, it's a small thing but when I'm doing IT ALL I'm incensed.

YABU. Throwing things at someone is very aggressive and violent! I would be extremely upset if I was your partner.

If you aren't ok with his failure to do things in the house then discuss it or get a divorce. I know it is hard and frustrating, but throwing things is not a good way to deal with it.

You know you were BU to throw the wipes.
But like a few posters have said, it sounds like there is more going on here.

It may be he has some unrecognised SN. But that's not the first thing that sprung to my mind. I thought 'passive aggressive'. He does something, it's just wrong (not as in, not quite up to standard, but just totally wrong/not what you agreed together), result 1) you have to do the job yourself, so get no respite; result 2), when you discuss it with him, he plays the injured party 'but I tried! but I was making an effort! whatever I do, it's never enough!'; result 3) you can never relax when he has responsibility for something; result 4) eventually you reach your limits and react more strongly than you yourself think is ok, e.g. throwing things; result 5) it messes with your head, you feel guilty for everything (from not appreciating his efforts, to blowing up).

The other thing that sprung to mind is, this is just THE classical way of getting out of doing stuff. For some reason he thinks it is more ok for you to do these things, than for him to do them. And actually he's got you right there now, where you are considering doing them all yourself and letting him off the hook, as it is less trouble. Is he capable in things he cares about? Well then if he is incapable when it comes to household/childcare things, I suppose it means he doesn't care about these things. About you and the children. Perhaps tell him that this is the message you are receiving?

Has it occurred to you that he is actually actively sabotaging your work for your degree? Does your studying bother him?

All that said, I still agree with those who say that if you want him to take responsibility for certain things, you have to LET him have the responsibility. He needs to do it his way, and unless it puts anyone in danger, you need to accept his way as ok.

FWIW, every time it is DPs turn to pick DS up from nursery school, he asks me at what time he needs to be there. At one point I turned around and said, 'if I wasn't here to ask, nor at the end of a phone line, what would you do? Would you end up picking him up late?' He said he would check online. Yes, asking me if I'm in the same room, is easier and quicker, but if I wasn't there, he would very quickly learn to turn on his brain and would simply remember, rather than have to ask OR look it up!

YANBU. He sounds unbearable.

As others have asked, how on earth does he make out at work?

Because if he manages fine there, clearly he is being incompetent at home on purpose.

How would he react if you expressed concern and suggested he might have some medical issue that leaves him incapable of functioning at an adult level?

He may have undiagnosed issues. But that's not your problem OP. You need to ask yourself if you can continue living with him. If he makes you that angry, you may be better off asking him to leave.

Stop trying to study at home. Block out time at the weekend and take yourself away. College library, nearby uni library or anywhere with internet connection. Leave him in charge. Tell him the basics, tell the kids to put their coats on etc. I used to do this-spent till 2.30 each saturday at uni-everytime he forgot to give them lunch. I told the kids they would have to ask. They all learnt.

How does he manage at work? does he forget something central and vital akin to your DS's allergy there? I would think if he did he'd get sacked pretty quickly. If he isn't then it says more about how he views his role in the home than anything else.

You are getting ridiculously stressed and focused now on seeing the balls ups. you need couples counselling to help see your collective priorities and to help him see how his behaviour causes and adds to your stress and also for you to see how to let some things go. If you don't address it (and simply picking it all up will just lead to resentment that will kill what's left of your marriage) it will kill your marriage.

with things like the PJ's - instead of telling him, instead employ the same method as we're advised to with children "what did I answer yesterday when you asked me the same question?"

Do you even like the man you're married to?

I actually don't think you were unreasonable to chuck a packet of wet wipes into a room. It's not like you hit him over the head with a frying pan, or threw something into his face. And before any says, if the situation was reversed, it wouldn't bother me in the same circumstances. I think you must be at the very end of your tether with his extreme incompetence. Does he function normally at work? If you do 'do it all yourself' you will be becoming a martyr and building up even more resentment towards him. I've only thrown one thing across a room in 17 years of marriage, and believe me, it was that or my head exploding with rage at a non-stop nagging husband who just would not stfu about something really petty. I hurled my dinner tray across the room. It hit the wall and a lovely cottage pie with veg, plus glass of wine, slowly slid down. He did shut up mind you. I went to bed and when I came down in the morning he'd cleaned it all up. One and only time I have snapped like that. But I was really, really stressed. And I didn't chuck it at him, did I? Hope you get to grips with this problem OP.

I agree that, if you need to work, then go somewhere else, or shut yourself away, so that you can't be responsible. Apart from the allergy one, the other mistakes are annoying rather than life-threatening. So, assuming he realises how careful he needs to be about allergies, just leave him to get on with it, and don't pick up after him.

I can't use our DVD recorder. The controls confuse me, I never know which disc is okay to record on to, every time I have to use it, I need to ask DH how. If I were doing it regularly, I'd write down the stuff I needed to know, and make my own system for the discs. But currently it's his job.

Of course, if you don't trust him enough to leave him to get on with it, then you have more serious problems.