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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to decide dds bedtime routine?

36 replies

Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 20:39

Dh is driving me mad. For months I've been trying to tell him we need to get dd2 into a good bedtime routine.

I would like her to have bath, story, milk and snack if needed, brush teeth and for us to tuck her up and let her get herself to sleep.

Dh strongly disagrees. He said dd is still a baby. He lets her watch cartoons on his phone and cuddles her in bed till they both fall asleep. Iam usually busy with the baby who bf a lot in the evening so its hard for me to do all the dcs bedtimes. Dd2 does have some serious health problems and requires a lot of care but if well managed and all medication etc given there's no reason why she can't get herself to sleep.

Dh is very close to dd and I know its hard for him but she really does play him. If I put her to bed she screams for daddy and he can't just let me get on with it so comes up and takes over and she gets her own way.

I really want her to have a good bedtime routine. She is 4

OP posts:

Retroformica · 28/11/2013 20:44

Yep all the 4 year olds I know gave a bedtime routine. Kids like to know what happens next.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 20:49

I mentioned it yesterday and he said not to do it when older dcs have school next day as dd will scream, I mentioned tonight that we will start tomorrow night and he said "no, she's still a baby and she's poorly.anyway the baby isn't going to bed by himself or at the same time so what's the point"

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NeedlesCuties · 28/11/2013 20:49

I am a great believer in bedtime routines. I'd go bonkers if my 2 DC didn't have a bedtime routine because I need my evenings.

But, if your DH is the one who is putting DD to bed then surely it's him who should decide how get goes about it? As long as she's asleep for a decent hour, then I'd let him sort it out.

You have enough on your plate BFing a baby, don't try to spread yourself too thin by stressing out about what your DH is doing.

Also, perhaps your DD is 'playing' her dad and crying for him as a sort of acting up now that the baby is here? I know my DC1 was a terror to put to bed for about 9 months after DC2 was born. It could be that.

What was her bedtime routine like before DC2 was born?

LittleBairn · 28/11/2013 20:52

At four she isn't a baby any longer and a bedtime routine won't do her any harm but probably a lot of benefit. What des he plan on doing when she starts school?

SantanaLopez · 28/11/2013 20:52

She isn't a baby but if she is poorly then cut her a little bit of slack.

Why not cut out the cartoons and replace that with a story first?

LittleBairn · 28/11/2013 20:52

H's being very silly about the baby not being in bed yet they have tots,ly different needs.

ICameOnTheJitney · 28/11/2013 20:52

YANBU! Mine were in routines from when they were actual babies! At bedtime anyway....the routine you describe was what I did when they got aware of the blinking light!

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 20:53

I wouldn't mind but dd goes to bed after 8 pm as she has her medication at 8. Dh always falls asleep with her and is then unwakeable! Dd watches cartoons every night too on his phone which I'm not keen on.

I tried to get dh to read a story rather than let her watch the phone, even if he still went to sleep after I feel a story would be preferable but he wants to lie down, give her the phone and sleep.

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Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 20:57

She has been very poorly but if managed well and all medication given and checks during night she should be able to have a bedtime routine.

Dh was devastated when she was first ill and he was the one who stayed in hospital with her. I feel sorry for him in that respect but dd is clever and she's starting to 'use' her illness to get her own way. On many occasions recently she has made comments about having to have something because she's not well or having to be first or how special she is. If she does not get her way all hell breaks loose and she orders me to phone her daddy who will tell me off.

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DoJo · 28/11/2013 21:05

It is unhealthy for her to be playing you two against one another, and for him to be letting her do it. She needs to know that the two of you are on the same page and that you agree on how to do things, rather than knowing that she can manipulate one of you into getting her own way and never having to learn patience or how to handle frustration. I can completely understand wanting to spoil her because she has been ill, but there comes a point where she will appreciate you allowing and encouraging her to be as 'normal' as possible, and with that comes routine, rules and having to do as she's told by both parents.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 21:11

It does feel like I spend all day disciplining her then dh comes home and spoils he rotten.

She is adorable and very very bright but there's a fine line I think and if she crosses it she could easily become obnoxious, manipulative and rude.

The other morning she shouted at me whilst I was doing ds breakfast "hey-what do you think you're doing (hands on hips) you know I'm meant to have breakfast first and if you carry on you're out of the family and I will raise my voice"

I don't want her to behave this way but I put her on the naughty step fr four mins and after two dh scoops her up and cuddles her.

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Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 21:13

I have to add that during the day with a lot of firmness and positive attention she is a delight and loves playing games and reading but dh is not helping her at all.

I really want this bedtime routine sorted out just don't know how to make him see that it would be good for her.

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NaturalBaby · 28/11/2013 21:18

If it's a very special time for your DH and dd then of course he's not going to want to change anything about it.

You need to work out how to explain to him why it's a problem for you - tell him how it feels when you want to put her to bed and she screams for him, tell him you want to have a bit of time with her too and you want to put her to bed sometimes.

Try and persuade him to just try changing one small thing for now - swapping the cartoons for reading a book. Teachers say if there's one thing you can do to help your kids in school it's reading a variety of story books, and he would get to interact with her more by actually telling her the story.

SparklyNewNameChange · 28/11/2013 21:20

The dynamic sounds utterly skewed. Your dh is undermining you, wittingly or not, at every opportunity. Your daughter treats you like the hired help. You need to get to the bottom of your dh's issues - I suspect it's fear. He's utterly terrified that he'll lose her to this illness and it's blinding him to the poor parenting it's producing in him. He's creating an over indulged spoilt child with no manners or respect, and is setting her up for a massive fall when she goes to school. That sort of behaviour will squashed from a great height from day one. Unless he's going to turn into one of those parents. You both need to sit down and talk it through, over and over again if necessary. I wouldn't let this one go. You need some lines in the sand.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 21:22

Dh has said that as I read to her during the day its nice for her to watch a cartoon. I suspect what he really means is its easier for him.

I tried a few weeks ago to suggest that I read a book the he took over while I fed ds but he said no he would get her to bed. It gets to 1030 some nights and I give up trying to wake him as he's fast asleep in her bed.

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EirikurNoromaour · 28/11/2013 21:25

Your DH is massively undermining you and you will end up with one very confused child who will learn to be manipulative and secretive and refuse to follow rules.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 28/11/2013 21:25

You need to have a proper talk to him about her attitude & his attitude - this isn't going to be good for her, not one bit :(

If I had put her on the naughty step for 4 mins and DH had swooped in giving her cuddles I'd have his head on a platter!!

It is going to make her a horrible little brat if he carries on like this and it's not fair on her - let alone you!

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 21:27

I worry about her too but I know that she needs a good routine. I am worried at how indulged she is and I think she's starting to think she's very special and 'better' than others.

I don't want this for her. She is lovely and clever, beautiful and funny but if dh carries on spoiling her and letting her get her way she will become a nightmare.

She actually loves routine. During the day things are very structured as left to play she gets very bored so I make sure she has games to play, activities to do and she is very good. Needs watching with the baby as is ery heavy handed but with supervision will be good.

She does get tired though and I think she needs that bedtime routine rather than an hour of cartoons she needs medicines at 8 a story and sleep.

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ChippingInLovesAutumn · 28/11/2013 21:28

Screen time at bedtime is so bad for their sleep and a terrible habit to get into. That does need nipping in the bud.

Bedtime wouldn't be my first battle either - frankly him undermining you at every opportunity needs sorting out and she needs to be clear of the pecking order and it is NOT DD2>Daddy>everyone else>Mummy

EirikurNoromaour · 28/11/2013 21:28

Cartoons are a bad idea. Any kind of screen time before bed will get her brain far too alert and make it hard for her to get off to sleep.

Sunnysummer · 28/11/2013 21:32

YANBU! Sounds like she and her dad do in fact have a bedtime routine that absolutely suits them but maybe not your needs or those of the family as a whole.

The cartoons are definitely not a great habit, but I'd be most annoyed about DH getting to have a nice cuddly sleep at 8pm while you are still having to look after the baby and presumably the rest of the house - when do you get a break?

I do agree with other posters that it can be nice and necessary to spoil an older child when the new baby arrives, but with at least 5 people in this family (if I read OP right), then for 2 of them to have their own special rules and routine that hives them off from the rest is unfair and unbalancing.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 21:32

We had issues years ago when dh wanted older dcs having tvs in bedrooms and I point blank refused and they had stories then bed. He has got round it this time by using his phone.

He will read to ds1 and say goodnight/turn light out so can obviously see that they should have a routine but he keeps saying dd is still a baby and she really isn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 21:36

Older two dcs are very good at bedtime and dh always implemented the routine with both of them as I'm sure he will with our youngest but I think because dd is unwell he does things differently. I'm seriously considering expressing milk for the baby and swapping so that I get dd to bed and dh looks after the baby.

Yes, it is very annoying that he goes to bed at 8pm every night! I'd quite like an evening with him but never get one! Baby goes in the cot and I just do the housework then go to bed!

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 28/11/2013 21:36

Yes - that attitude is starting to show through and no matter how ill they have been, it's not nice. It is hard to avoid them ending up feeling that way, but your DH is encouraging it. I don't know if he's just shit scared of losing her and indulging her through stupidity (totally forgiveable) or whether he just enjoys being Daddy Big and indulging her and putting you on the outside - only you know that. Either way, this is not good for DD2.

How old are the other kids?

She will become a nightmare - she is already acting like you are her handmaiden while her and Daddy run the world

birdybear · 28/11/2013 21:37

Perhaps show him this thread? Nobody is going to like a rude spoilt child and that is what he is creating, as well as problems between you two.

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