To ditch my job because life is too fucking short?

[ReallyOverThis]

Regular poster, have NC for this. In a very small nutshell - I have a pretty fancy job which pays exceptionally well. Got a major promotion earlier this year (yes, boo hoo for me. Feel free to ditch thread now).

I really enjoyed about 50% of the job pre-promotion. I now only enjoy about 30% of it. I have never been cut out for certain aspects of the job, but I was in the past able to balance my failings in those sides of it by excelling in other areas. Now the expectations in all areas are about 200% higher and I have been told I really need to "up my game" if I am to achieve what's expected. It's not that they've misrepresented the promoted job to me - I knew in theory what it involved - but the practice is way harder than I anticipated. I could probably do the game upping but it would be seriously hard work and time consuming (e.g. having a week's holiday without full attention to Blackberry every day is just Not On, required to do weekly evening dinners with clients). Pressure is relentless. I am starting to think that I simply can't be arsed.

To give some context my Mum died a few months ago. Dad had died several years previously. Both died young. Neither is here to be disappointed in me if I ditch it (or proud of me if I succeed). I just turned 40. I am financially fine because I inherited a property and a small lump sum, plus I have my own savings. I don't have expensive tastes. In the last 3 years I've gained a fab fiance who is my rock. He's always known me as a high-flyer and is proud of me for that. He earns plenty money of his own and we have no children.

I feel my identity is very tied up in my job. When I do well in it I feel very validated and glad to have a good brain. Ditching it now would mean wasting many many years of study and slog and obviously mean giving up a lot of potential earnings.

This is not so much an AIBU because the answer is obviously "Do what's right for you" but more of a "Did you do it and do you regret it?"

Thanks for reading.

Similar personal circumstances here but I'm a teacher. I leave in 3 weeks. I do have two kids under 5 though. Life definitely too short

I wouldn't make any rash decisions until you have a pretty clear plan. I know friends who have left similarly high-flying jobs because they felt life was too short. They are happy now (a few years on) but struggled a lot with a massive reduction in income - in fact they still 'feel' poor even though by others' standards they are comfortable. In fact, they never found another career path, and after a few years spending money doing courses and retraining, they both returned to their previous industry at a lower level.

"I suppose my problem is that I love how it feels to say that I do what I do, but actually doing it is too much of my life"

You don't need to let your ego dictate your life.

Isn't it a little embarassing that you'd live a life you hate just to impress people occasionally?

A friend was a partner in a law firm, and gave it up at about 35. She now spends (roughly) 1 day / week doing freelance work, 2 days / week doing pro-bono work for a charity she values, 1 day / week volunteering in non-law related ways, 3 days / week doing stuff she enjoys.

She doesn't live an expensive lifestyle at all, doesn't have children, and finds that her 1 day / week of law work funds the rest of her life perfectly nicely, but she could take on more if she needed to. I find her really inspirational.

Re. Xmasbaby's point - I think one of the reasons it worked for my friend is that she genuinely is not a very materialistic person, does not spend money on clothes or going out, so I don't think she struggled with the massive drop in income.

I jacked in a job I hated, that was well-paid. I struggled to get another job, due to gaps in CV. Find another job, before leaving the one you already have.

I do have a wonderful job now, but it took me four years after leaving my hated job... and cost me many thousands of pounds, if I consider what I would have earned, if I'd left with another job to go to.

If your Mum only died a few months ago - well, that's no time at all. Don't rush into any big decisions. Grief comes and goes, and it plays on your mind and decisions without you realising it.

you can do anything you want - literally the world is your oyster.

you could go into property management and be a landlord, that takes legal skills and would be very interesting

you could foster kids
rescue animals
write a blog about escaping the rat race
give legal advice to charities - give something back

even considering an escape can make you look very hard at your workplace, see if changes can be made that would make you happier before deciding
there are always other law jobs if you want to return

a big consideration would be your pension, strong financial planning before setting yourself free
good luck to you

I did it. Similar situation to you - high flying, enviable job (but not law); lost my mojo after my mum died; met a bloke, realised my priority was making a life with him and not jetting off around the world on business travel. No longer wanted to work late or play the corporate game. Loved telling people what I did and hearing them go "oh wow".

Then one day, after a spell of feeling quite down about things, had a bit of a disagreement with my boss. Said to her "you know what, I think I might just fuck off and go and be a gardener instead" and flounced out of the office.

Didn't really mean it - and yet - never went back. Went to horticultural college, set up my own business. Never regretted it for a second.

Now I enjoy telling people that I used to do the high-flying ultra desirable job and then fucked off to be a gardener. I get better 'wows' for that now.

Only fly in the ointment has been my company grinding to a bit of a halt just as it was taking off, as we decided to start a family. I'd have liked to put that off for a few years, but time wasn't on our side. I wasn't entirely sure about babies either, I never felt much of a maternal urge but thought I better do it in case later I regretted not doing so. That's a bit of a crappy reason for having kids too, but I'm bloody glad I did and now I actually find it a bit scary how close I came to not having them.

Sorry that turned out to be a bit epic. Hope it helps. Good luck. Life is short indeed.

It is interesting that you say you would be throwing away years of study but what did you study for and what were you ambitious for as it doesn't sound like you did all that to have a job perhaps you consider crap but feel you should be aiming for. Progression is not just up a male hierarchy and ambition and career success is not defined so narrowly within that hierarchy anymore. You studied so hard to have a great life and this role does not sound like it is good enough for you.

PSL. Partner in a smaller firm. GLS. Local authority. PLC/legal publishing. Consult. Cross over to the bar. Go Senior counsel in another firm. Start own firm. In-counsel general counsel. Teaching on LPC. Legal academia. Tbh I think there are loads of things you can do - obv depending on your practice area and how much of a salary hit you are willing to take. An LPC tutor I knew had previously been a magic circle partner in corporate, then went to a smaller firm still partner and then she was an lpc tutor (changes made to be able to spend more time at home with family). I also know a partner who went into a government job and the out again into a diff firm as senior counsel. I'd agree that life probably is too short. Maybe another firm would be better though some are less client wining and dining. The bb on holiday tho is prob non-negociable....

I don't understand why people are telling you to find something else to do before you resign. It sounds to me as if one of the problems with your job is lack of headspace so actually you need to resign and then find out what you would prefer to do. If you aren't living month to month on your salary to pay the mortgage, that is terrible advice. It would be like advising someone who has fallen out of love with their husband to start a relationship with another man before separating. (not for moral reasons! but because rebound decisions are often terrible)

I have a feeling you will find yourself thinking very positively and creatively about what you want and need when you are not in that environment. but i imagine (others who know better may correct me) that even if you want to do something very similar, also high flying, competitive and corporate, it is no black mark against you to say "I resigned and took time out to consider my options for x months." I have always admired people who say they have been resting between jobs because I see it as a show of strength: financial strength, that they have the wherewithal to do this (ok this is a superficial thing to be impressed by but it does kind of impress me); also the confidence and the sense of self worth to take the next move seriously, not to rush into things that come your way but to value your own time and your life.

I think the sort of thing you are doing now is a hermetic world from within which it is hard to feel other value systems, it closes you off and makes its values absolute in your life, from lack of time as much as anything, as well as the confidence and influence of the others around you. If these values do not satisfy you it can't be an easy environment from which to construct a different life. And you don't have to. just get out. you are strong. You'll find you get back in if you want to. it could be you just need a break. But it doesn't sound like it to me.

If you have children it may be better to have some idea of some more satisfying work before you have them, rather than having them, then thinking "I am ready now to end Mat leave but I can't go back to that... oh fuck what do I do now". similarly the end of maternity leave is a terrible time to make decisions, because you have had no time to yourself for so long, and have been so absorbed in a hermetic world, that you need to get out of it before you consider your options. so you may find yourself going back to your old job, then hating it again, but once again feeling too stifled to understand clearly why, or what to do.

Having time to think is an incredible luxury. Don't let people keep you on the treadmill out of fear.

I have been in a similar position (but different industry and much less well paid!). I gave myself six months to think it through... not just the obvious issues but ones like: do I need the structure of work life? can I psychologically live on my savings or accept the uncertainty of self-employment? how would I begin to look for something else?

It is hard, giving in your notice without something else to go to. Lots of people will think you're mad (or 'brave' as they will kindly put it). You will suddenly remember all the bits of your job you love, and be overcome with sorrow at losing the colleagues you have a laugh with every day.

It may very well still be the right decision for you! But don't rush it.

Since your Mum only died a few months ago, I think this isn't the time to make big decisions.

Could you move to a smaller firm, where there might be less pressure?

I don't think that deciding not to be a partner means that you don't have a future in law (if you want it)

In my old office, we had various directors / consultants who had previously been partners elsewhere. They tended to say that they'd proved themselves elsewhere, knew they could do it, got the Tshirt, but really enjoyed the client work more than the admin hassle of running a law firm. Staff accepted that at face value.

I think having spent so long training, it would be a pity to totally change direction unless you really want to, but you may be able to find other variations of law which do appeal to you - how about lecturing?

Thank you to everyone who has posted such insightful comments and fascinating life stories. Rhubarbgarden yours particularly strikes a chord, thank you.

Hogwash - one of my projects for this weekend is to write down exactly the bits that I do and don't enjoy and see if there is a way to manoeuvre more towards the bits that I do. If it's not possible within this job then I should find something where it is. Interestingly, one of the bits that I DO like may surprise people - it's the management side that many partners hate having to take on when they are promoted. I think I possibly would enjoy being a law firm COO (a role traditionally filled by managing partners, usually long serving equity partners, but increasingly by financially-qualified non-lawyers). Or possibly something like Head of Training in a law firm.

One question that I haven't seen anyone pose (although I haven't read every single post):

What if the positions were reversed, and it was your fiance who was deciding whether to ditch his (also high-flying?) career?

Think hard about this. I am sure that you would be happy to support him. But . . . . for how long? What would he do instead? If he sat at home and lived off you for ever, while you grafted six days a week, how would you feel in five years time? Would all of the answers to the above be different if he was looking after your children?

ReallyOverThis

No advice and have not had time to read the whole thread, but I am in almost the same position (except currently in the run-up to partnership) - v similar age to you, no kids. My OH/Fiance is a NHS Consultant with a busy private practice and we never see each other. I am struggling with the workload and with the weight of everyone's expectations. I suspect I will fail to make partner and I think part of me will be relieved, although I am also concerned about disappointing my family.

My plan (although it remains to be seen whether I will have the balls to do it!) is to spend 6 months looking for a house for me and OH, and volunteering at a hospice I have some connections with. Even trying to arrange viewings and bank appointments is impossible for us at the moment. After that I plan to do contract work, e.g. in-house maternity covers. Hopefully my skills will be marketable and I can work more reasonable hours. It has just got to the point where, even with no kids, one of our careers has to take a back seat and I really, really want it to be mine!

In response to your OP, my heart says do what makes you happy but I know it's far more complicated than that and lawyers tend to be risk-averse and over-analytical, which makes it more difficult to throw caution to the wind. Either way, good luck - and I am going to read everyone's helpful responses later when I have more time!!

I did it! Was in a job that made me really unhappy, my mother had died about 6 months earlier, was mid 30's and just thought "there has to be more than this" handed in my notice then spent the next 6 months on a project/building own company type thing. Company was at launch stage when I found I was pregnant after ttc for many years. Fast forward to now, live overseas, unlikely to work anytime soon due to many factors. Never been happier.

My accountant gave up his very lucrative practice (if that's the correct phrase) to cultivate his orchard. Now supplies apples/apple crisps to major supermarkets. He too has never been happier. A the risk of sounding wankerish carpe diem!

Life is meant to be enjoyed. If the enjoyment goes, then it's mere existence.

OP it sound like you are in a better financial shape than most, and not needing to worry about staying on the hamster wheel.
I would say go for it!

Definitely go for it! I left my steady and successful career just over a year ago after we lost a pregnancy halfway through. My parents thought it was a knee-jerk and foolhardy decision but I think sometimes a loss can clarify what you want to get out of life and spur you to be brave in a way mundane life can't.

I took a few weeks to myself then did a bit of consulting and told myself I'd give it 6 months then see how I felt and maybe look for another permanent job - within a few months I was turning work down! I work the hours which suit me, walk the dog over lunch, meet with friends for lunches or coffee when I like and I earn as much as I did slogging my heart out and dealing with masses of internal politics and I am so much happier.

I'm on maternity leave now and it feels great to know I'll be able to work the hours which suit me once I decide to start again.

Based on what you said I can't see one good reason why you should stay, you're clearly clever and successful and have options open to you. If I were you I'd quit, take a long trip somewhere exciting then come back and do a little work to keep ticking over while you explore your options.