To ditch my job because life is too fucking short?

[ReallyOverThis]

Regular poster, have NC for this. In a very small nutshell - I have a pretty fancy job which pays exceptionally well. Got a major promotion earlier this year (yes, boo hoo for me. Feel free to ditch thread now).

I really enjoyed about 50% of the job pre-promotion. I now only enjoy about 30% of it. I have never been cut out for certain aspects of the job, but I was in the past able to balance my failings in those sides of it by excelling in other areas. Now the expectations in all areas are about 200% higher and I have been told I really need to "up my game" if I am to achieve what's expected. It's not that they've misrepresented the promoted job to me - I knew in theory what it involved - but the practice is way harder than I anticipated. I could probably do the game upping but it would be seriously hard work and time consuming (e.g. having a week's holiday without full attention to Blackberry every day is just Not On, required to do weekly evening dinners with clients). Pressure is relentless. I am starting to think that I simply can't be arsed.

To give some context my Mum died a few months ago. Dad had died several years previously. Both died young. Neither is here to be disappointed in me if I ditch it (or proud of me if I succeed). I just turned 40. I am financially fine because I inherited a property and a small lump sum, plus I have my own savings. I don't have expensive tastes. In the last 3 years I've gained a fab fiance who is my rock. He's always known me as a high-flyer and is proud of me for that. He earns plenty money of his own and we have no children.

I feel my identity is very tied up in my job. When I do well in it I feel very validated and glad to have a good brain. Ditching it now would mean wasting many many years of study and slog and obviously mean giving up a lot of potential earnings.

This is not so much an AIBU because the answer is obviously "Do what's right for you" but more of a "Did you do it and do you regret it?"

Thanks for reading.

I doubt very much that if your mum gave up a career to look after you that she, on her deathbed would advise you to be unhappy. She might advise you to wait a bit and give a new job a chance, but no decent parent would do that.

Don't leave until you know what you're moving on to - as that will give you a goal if you need further training. You may end up in the middle of nowhere and feeling 16 again with no idea how you're going to fill the rest of your life.

I've given up my career, which was exciting and had status, but I hated the bureaucracy of the job, the petty politics, and the long hours culture. I just found myself aged 38 not wanting to spend the next 20 years or so climbing the ladder and sacrificing my sanity.

I'm working towards doing something radically different, I rely on my husband for funds (scary - never done that before) but I do not miss what I used to do. Making the adjustment financially is the easy bit to be honest.

Do you know if you want children? Does this question have anything at all to do with the issue of having children?

I ask because a, this is mumsnet and a lot of nonparents here do have children somehow in the backs of their minds; b. you are 40 which doesn't give you all the time in the world; c. you have lost your parents, one recently (I am sorry) which can make these things difficult and emotional to think about but also brings them to the surface.

It sounds to me as if you are burnt out right now, but you like work per se. If you are a successful lawyer, you can work in some other way - all businesses, all ventures full stop need lawyers, so there are countless fields you could work in. If you don't care about the money you are absolutely free to put your talents to good use in any field at all, no matter what the salary, and you could do great things that you could be very proud of.

But, really, it's your life. You have achieved something extraordinary. That can't be taken away. But it's a waste of your life to stay doing something you don't like. Leaving pp isn't necessarily the end of your stellar career, btw. Some people do even better in-house or something entirely different. Example - a friend is a COO, after starting as a lawyer, then going into banking. Another lady I know went from City lawyer to mgt consultant to CEO. Just examples. However, I expect you "know" this but are struggling w the emotions around accepting your choice. Sorry if jumbled post - young DCs are playing loudly next to me.

My mum and my stepdad were both partners in law firms for many years. My stepfather still is. Mum developed severe depression (mainly down to the horrendously sexist culture within law) and was signed off sick and eventually paid off. She has recently returned to work after a 5 year break as in-house legal counsel.

Watching from the sidelines, I think it is no coincidence that she became ill shortly after my sister and I finished university and started supporting ourselves. She asked herself what she was doing it for, and the answer was fuck knows. She was unable to work for a long time - an attempt at going back to a quiet country firm failed after the first week, two or three years ago.

Law is not worth it. Money is not worth it. No one should have to work in that sort of environment. I think it is particularly hard on women because of the sexism and the macho work-all-hours culture. If you have kids, society is telling you you're a crap mother for going to work at all, while your boss and colleagues are telling you you're a shit worker for wanting to spend any time at home. Add to that constant things like trips to strip clubs, younger, less experienced male partners being taken on with a better deal than you got and being told to shut up and stop banging on when you complained, etc etc...If you're not enjoying it, then get out!

One element of this story is the fact that Mum went off sick and was ultimately paid off. She was very worried about how she could possibly return to work in the same small geographical area, when everyone would know her story. 5 years later (a few months ago), she was headhunted by someone who had worked for her as a trainee. So it is possible to leave (even in a way that potential employers could find very worrying, which you wouldn't be doing) and come back years later. She was about your age - is now 47.

Agree - life is definitely too short to be unhappy at work if you can afford not to do it. Take some time out to decide what you want to do.

I think, old thing, that you are turning off your job because you are not cutting it. If you are quitting out of genuine disinterest, then that is fine and valid. If you are quitting out of fear of failure, then we should talk about that. Because any promotion in the environment that I imagine you to be in will require a change of behaviours. Are you adaptable enough? Flexible enough? Dynamic enough? Can you make that step-change? I think you can, but you are frightened of failure. Give it a shot. Your best shot. Say for 12 months. If you find you can do it but you still don't want to, then fine. If you find you can't do it, then also fine.

Good luck!

I think it is an interesting dilemma.
My SIL works in a very stressful and well paid job. She has hated it for as long as I have known her, about 16 years! I have no idea why she doesn't just jack it in and become a dog walker (she and her DH have no financial issues). I think she, like you, feels defined by her job and the kudos of the level she has reached. She also knows how proud her mum and dad would have been (they have both passed away too).
I think my ILs would have wanted her to be happy and life really is too short to work with people who you hate in a competitive and destructive environment.
No one else has the answers but if you have financial freedom then really you could do anything, wake up on Monday mornings with a smile and retire with the knowledge you have enjoyed the most productive years of your life.
Good luck deciding!

ha Ha earningsthread I like the way you put that. You may have a point- better to jump now and say I reject them, than have them reject me - maybe that's what's in my mind. Frankly I don't feel a bit dynamic, as my username suggests, just when I need to be at my most enthusiastic it's all boring me senselessness the thought or 10 more years of time sheets makes me want to slit my wrists.

I should clarify that I work in a mid tier firm in a very specialist field - it's most definitely not all presenteeism and strip clubs. And my fellow partners are for the most part nice, reasonable people whom I am loathe to disappoint.

Lots of people are doing soul-destroying jobs and continue to do them because they're trapped. From the sounds of it, you're not trapped so get out!

Give yourself time to figure out what it is you actually want to do and go for it. Life really is too short.

Life is too short but think about what you will do instead.

Travel? Start your own business? Write a novel?

I think you need to decide 'what next' before making the leap.

Good luck.

OP, you may be interested in this thread. Lots of ex-lawyers on it!

A friend of mine used to be a lawyer and is now a financial services ombudsman. Using his transferable skills without having to actually be a lawyer.

My tuppenceworth - 4 years ago I chucked in a well-paid job with no idea of what to go to (I was probably enjoying 30% of it, like you). Some folk thought I was mad, my DP supported me. Found a part-time job in a completely different field and am still there now with a much better work-life balance.

Although I do dream of starting my own business soonish.

Thanks everyone. My Dad was a PR Consultant, so must have experienced much of what I do in terms of demanding clients.I remember him sitting up late at night surrounded by papers on the dining room table. I sit up working late at night too. I remember him worrying about pitches. I worry about how to gain clients. He was always behind on his expenses. I am always behind on my time sheets. Every now and again he'd say he wanted to run a deli or go to university as a mature student. He was still an unhappy PR Consultant when he dropped dead at 53. That's my lesson, isn't it?

my twopennorth??
You are in love, you want to make babies.... do it!!

It sounds like because of your financial position you have some choices and can buy some time.

Do you want this particular job to work out?

I would spend some serious time on a day off thinking about your life and your career and what it is you want.

I spent 2 decades in fancy high pressure IT work until I was completely burnt out. I'm broke now and can't say I am any happier as there is the stress and pressure to pay the bills.

I've actually applied to go back to school for a graduate degree.

Enough of my lot. Just wanted to say others can relate to what you are going through.

I think very senior positions are a bit like a poisoned chalice. I was recently offered one but it would have involved going full-time and basically I would have been at their beck and call. Not for me I'm afraid. I've probably damaged my career permanently as a result, but I just know I wouldn't have been happy.

If you can manage financially OP I would ditch the job. Take 6 months out and see how you feel then. I took nearly 2yrs out recently (3 if you count mat leave) and had a job again within 2 weeks of looking. If you leave on good terms and keep some 'friends' in the industry you can always go back. Better to leave on a high than work yourself into a bad situation and damage your reputation.

So what does DP think about it?
He has got together with a woman earning loads of money and you both must quite a life style together.
Is he going to be supportive of your joint income halving.

Do you have an extravagent life style now?
Weekends abroad, expensive meals out, wine that costs more than £10 per bottle, expensive hotels, all the latest gadgets?

I am not a lawyer but work in a law firm and in the past 12 months I had to deal with a colleague bullying me, my work taken away from, told I can't be promoted until someone in the team leaves, worked 60hrs plus for a year moved holidays etc and afterwards I got nothing for it just moved sideways into another role - forget a payrise I didn't even get my time back and I work in a junior position in Business Development.

Honestly, I have no confidence in my abilities, don't even know if I am good enough anymore - I am actively looking to leave but I don't even know what I want to do anymore.

So I feel for you OP and I say jack it in it isn't worth it.

Is there any way you could work privately for yourself as a lawyer or if you could teach law? I wonder if your personality might suit it more?

You must have lots if transferable skills.

I did it and I don't regret it at all

What about charitable law work?

I'm a lawyer, but deliberately chose the other opposite end of the career ladder - part time job, great job satisfaction, great work life balance, but crap money, no glamour whatsoever!

I wouldn't swap places with you for the world, but I never really got the buzz from the high end stuff, even at uni or work experience.

In your position, I would take some time out away from work - a long weekend maybe - and climb a mountain. Seriously, get your head clear and away from it all, see how you feel. Make a few dreams, a five or ten year wish list, and then see how you feel.

I've got a couple of friends who have dipped in and out, so it is possible. One ended up moving country and is having a great time (still law related). Another tried something else, then ended setting up his own boutique firm, and is doing very well indeed.

You are in a fantastic position to take a chance. See it as an amazing opportunity.

When my mum died it made me re-evaluate everything. I needed at least a year, if not 18 months, without making big decisions. Not that I realised it at the time. I gave up an analyst role very easily, felt I wasn't good enough at it, life too short etc. it was a great job, great benefits and looking back it wasn't the most sensible financial decision long term.

It's surprising how quickly finances can dwindle if you're not working too. Even lump sums.