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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dh is an....

37 replies

Spiceroots · 27/11/2013 16:37

Ass

I've always wanted 3rd dc.

Dh has felt that we couldn't financially afford another dc.
I've had to let go of this dream, with some resentment.

Today dh announced that he feels he 'owes' some members of his family some form of financial responsibility.

I'm beyond livid.

Dh sense of responsibility is over inflated and if he cannot support my dream to have a 3rd dc because of financial reasons then he cannot afford to support extended family either
It's come to a head where I've told him if he insists on supporting family I will leave him

So please tell me am IBUR or is he being an ass?

OP posts:
rach6122 · 27/11/2013 16:38

Yanbu!!

LimitedEditionLady · 27/11/2013 16:39

Im not experienced with what you are talking about here but I feel like you arent wrong here.It is your dream.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/11/2013 16:41

It depends. Does he definitely mean financial support?

If so, how much?

Don't be livid, just say that you make financial decisions jointly and that you will need to talk about it.

Original poster
Spiceroots · 27/11/2013 16:47

Laurie - it wasn't a discussion. Had I not stumbled upon this 'discussion' i wouldn't have know until the commitment was made.

I'm beyond angry. I've given up important dreams because dh didn't support them and yet the very reason for not supporting my dreams is money which he will commit to extended family.

I'm so upset they I'm actually questioning his commitment to me

OP posts:
Topseyt · 27/11/2013 16:56

I can see why you are fuming. I am sure I would be too.

If he can financially support the extended family then he could have supported a third child.

I have three children. Yes, it was a big decision to go from two to three, but I am so glad we did.

Original poster
Spiceroots · 27/11/2013 16:58

It's taken me years to reconcile to not having a 3rd.

It almost ruined dh and my relationship. Now I question where it was really worth it.

Worst part is dh doesn't get it.

OP posts:
gleekster · 27/11/2013 17:02

OMG YANBU!!!
How much money is he considering investing in his extended family - if you don't mind me asking?
I would be fuming at the deceit as well. Is he still going ahead with this "commitment" after he knows how you feel? as if he didn't know before and that's why he kept it from you

Topseyt · 27/11/2013 17:05

It seems to be a question of how he prioritises his extended family versus his close family (i.e. you and your exisiting children).

From your point of view he has things a bit skewed and that may well be true. Was his reason for not wanting a third child purely financial?

jigsawlady · 27/11/2013 17:07

Why does he owe them anything?? Is he offering to pay for something like care home fees?? Mortgage etc??

If his family need support with something vital like that then I can see why he wants to help but surely any family that need such support would qualify for benefits/housing/care etc.

If they don't need the money for something vital then its ridiculous that you have to sacrifice something wo they can have more money for luxuries.

Have his family asked for help?

whois · 27/11/2013 17:08

This depends how big the commitment it really I think. How much are we talking OP?

firesidechat · 27/11/2013 17:12

Are there cultural issues here? I hate asking this question because it always comes across as somehow making excuses for the unreasonable one (your husband, in case you're wondering), but it might give some kind of context.

Taking that aside, I think decisions like this should always be discussed by both partners. It's family money ie your husbands, yours and childrens, not just his to do with as he pleases.

Is your husband open to discussion?

baffledkingofone · 27/11/2013 17:13

This entirely depends. Having a 3rd DC is not just a financial burden in terms of another mouth to feed, but it also has a knock on effect on the quality of living your other DC have.

What is the size of the investment/support he is giving to this member of the family, OP?

KoalaFace · 27/11/2013 17:18

YANBU if only because he is making important financial decisions without consulting you.

Stick to your guns here, it doesn't seem like he's currently treating your relationship as an equal partnership.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 27/11/2013 17:22

YANBU. I say this as someone who also had to give up dreams of a 3rd DC & however noble his reasons for wanting to help his family, this would be a real blow for me too & you really have my sympathies.

custardo · 27/11/2013 17:24

has your dh got control of the finances - sounds odd there is a discussion about your dreams but not a discussion about giving family money

Tailtwister · 27/11/2013 17:25

YANBU. You responded to him saying you can't afford a 3rd child and now he wants to give money to other family members!

Obviously we don't know the whole story, but why does he feel an obligation? Is he under pressure from his family to give money?

I'm not excusing him btw, I would be very upset too. DH and I have decided against a 3rd due to finances (my age also), but it was a joint decision

Damnautocorrect · 27/11/2013 17:28

I think there's two issues here
Wanting another dc
Financing family members

1st is it his dream too? Does he really want another or was he just placating you? It's a big commitment emotionally and financially he needs to be honest and on board

2nd he should be discussing it with you clearly so he is an ass for that one

Original poster
Spiceroots · 27/11/2013 18:02

Thank you for making me feel less unreasonable!

It's not a huge amount of money, but certainly not a small amount.
His reasoning not to have a 3rd was purely financial.
So I feel that if he can commit to financially helping family no matter how 'nice' then he should support my dream to.

Yes a3rd dc is more me. But if it's just financial consideration is the major criteria then supporting family shouldn't be a criteria.

It is a joint decision and now dh knows how strongly I feel.
I guess for me to was the emotion behind the statement that's made me feel so awful.

OP posts:
ironmansmum · 27/11/2013 18:42

YANBU! Totally agree with you.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/11/2013 19:01

Is it the same amount of money as it costs to bring up a child?

PhoebeMcPeePee · 27/11/2013 19:12

Spiceroots you may find (as I did) that if you push & push the financial argument there will be another reason why not to have another baby - ultimately my DH didn't want another one as much as I did and the practical arguments (inc money) swayed it his way.

OliviaBenson · 27/11/2013 19:23

Yanbu! Setting aside the 3rd child argument, he cannot surely just take on financial responsibility for family members without consulting you. It's made my blood boil, it's very disrespectful to you as a partner and your own family unit.

optimusic · 27/11/2013 19:31

How is this being funded? You both chuck money into a pot and both dip in? I would tell him to get fucked, and stop putting my money into the central pot and tell him how much he has to cough up. If he wants to support other members of his family, he wouldn't be doing it with my money.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/11/2013 20:11

Optimusic - that's quite an emotional outpouring for before the op has answered the question. it might be all his money!

LadyAlconleigh · 27/11/2013 20:15

It's family money though, surely?

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