To think that dh is an....

[Spiceroots]

Ass

I've always wanted 3rd dc.

Dh has felt that we couldn't financially afford another dc.
I've had to let go of this dream, with some resentment.

Today dh announced that he feels he 'owes' some members of his family some form of financial responsibility.

I'm beyond livid.

Dh sense of responsibility is over inflated and if he cannot support my dream to have a 3rd dc because of financial reasons then he cannot afford to support extended family either
It's come to a head where I've told him if he insists on supporting family I will leave him

So please tell me am IBUR or is he being an ass?

So you would leave him, disrupt your joint 2 DCs life because YOU want another baby he doesnt want?

Selfish, much?

I agree that it sounds as though the money was just an excuse - he doesn't want another child and wanted a solid reason to give you rather than just going over and over the discussion where you both only have your emotions on your side.
I do think that him saying you can't afford a third child shouldn't mean that he can never spend money on his own 'things' though - you say it isn't much money, so would it be enough to support a child?

I work pt and earn very little compared to dh, right now. We decided when we had dc it would make sense for me to take pt hours while dc were little. The intention always was to go back to ft when possible. If we were to have a3rd dc now it would mean delaying going back to work. So I do understand the logic I just feel like I've had to let go of my dream because if logic and money.
Finances have never been an issue, as we tend to be in agreement.
Money goes into a joint account.

The amount is not enough to raise a 3rd dc. But the amount, plus me not being in ft work for a while were the main arguments.
We could have a 3rd dc now but it would mean considerable impact on how we live etc

Just to clarify dh had not made the commitment to family yet, but feels that it's his responsibility to do so.

It was a conversation that we were having not a foregone conclusion but what made me livid was the fact that he thought I would understand and support his decision.

I have not said the I would leave dh because of not having a 3dc. I said I would leave if he went ahead and gave money to family.

I'm not sure, you are both being unreasonable. If you can't afford another child, it doesn't mean you can't afford other things, is there another reason why giving to his family is so bad you'd consider leaving? You've already said it wouldn't be an amount to cover the cost of another child.
It sounds like there must be bigger issues at play. He needs to be 100% honest as to why he doesn't want a third dc, and you need to accept that if logic and finances dictate you can't have a third child you'll have to learn to be happy with two and stop resenting your dh for it.
That's not meant in a harsh way.

I think I would need to know who the family member is before I can decide whether YABU or not. Whilst you have my greatest sympathies for having to give up your dreams for the sake of your joint family if its someone like his mother or father that he wants to support then I can also understand why he would feel obligated. That is also an equally strong bond and to ignore your parents in their time of need in some cultures is like social suicide. People will lose all respect for you and think your are of very low character.

I have also felt that pressure to help my family and to be honest the lack of support from my dh (not even financial help but just to support my decision to use my own money to help my mother in particular) really upset me. Marriage is a joining of two families isnt it? By the way that doesnt mean that people who help their family only do it because of cultural or other pressures but its just to explain why you still might feel obligated to help despite not being filthy rich. I know some families where it is the absolute norm to immediately deduct a certain proportion of their salary and send it to their parents and we are not talking small amounts here.

What I mean to say is that to want to support your family members in particular parents in their old age is not a bad thing per se especially if they have been good parents to you and fully supported you both financially and otherwise when you needed them. But its the way he did not consult you over the decision which I would be annoyed with. Could you find some compromise rather then make it a deal breaker. By your own admission having a third child would have a greater impact on your financial situation and family set up. Is it right to punish him and potentially needy family members for a situation that you can understand would be difficult to change anyway?

My parents supported me through my education up to the age of 22 and helped us out when we first got married. I certainly felt I had a financial obligation to them in their later years as did DH to his mother.

It's what families are about.

Not sure that I agree with you. Not enough info. If you had no chance if saving a deposit for a house would you veto spending money on a holiday or car ever again?

Would the commitment he plans to make have a similar level of financial impact on the family to having another child?

There is a school of thought that you look after the people already here before you think about more - what's are his reasons for wanting to give them money?

But I am totally sympathetic to you and even if I do think you may be being a little unreasonable I totally understand why and emotions are not reasonable things.

I hope you can fix it though.

What way is he planning on financially helping a family member though??

There is a big difference in the cost of a lump sum pay out to help someone, and the 18 year financial costs of having a child.

I'd want to know why he was making such a commitment....if it's due to a family member who is suffering ill health for instance then I would say that you should allow it as long as it is not permanent.

YABU-the two things areN't really connected.

You are trying to use this to "prove" that his reasons for that are wrong & that you should have had a third.

But maybe he just doesn't want one.