to be livid about exH leaving our 6 yr old alone in public places?

[ExcitedEmmy]

ExH and I have a recently turned 6 year old daughter. We have always had a difference of opinion when it comes to public supervision of our daughter. He encourages her to use public toilets alone rather than accompany her, for example, which I'm not happy with.

He sees her one or two weekends per month. He has a hobby which he does 2/3 times during the week (rather than coming to see dd which has been on offer since we separated several years ago) and at least twice over the weekend. On the weekends he has dd he sometimes leaves dd with his mum or girlfriend while he does the hobby but if they're busy he takes her and leaves her in a separate room to watch films on his iPad for over 4 hours. The room is adjoining to where he does his hobby but it's in a public sports club and so I don't agree with her being left.

Dd was talking about her father this morning and the films she had watched while he was doing his hobby at the weekend. She then said he had popped home to get changed and left her and his girlfriends son, who's 9, at the sports club and 'was gone ages.' He left them in the bar/cafe area with no responsible adults they or he knee. AIBU to be livid about this? His house is a 15 min drive from the sports club but regardless of the distance, I don't think dd should be left alone in public at all.

Campion - Contact with gp's would change if present arrangement changed with exH. He didn't see dd for several months once, I wrote to them asking them if they would like to see dd in the meantime and they didn't reply. They are too afraid to lose their son to do the right thing by dd.

Cityofgold - We have had mediation before but he refuses to budge on his opinions. He sees it as 'his daughter, his decision.' 'My views on his actions' are not simply my views, it is fact surely that leaving a six year old alone in a public place is wrong?

I have emailed him about my concerns as he'd just shout over the phone then later deny the discussion. I've asked him to assure me he will never leave dd alone in public again, and made it clear that I will be taking action if he does. No reply yet.

I haven't tackled him about it yet as wanted to check I'm not BU here

Hi Emmy

I don't think you need to ask if YABU. You're not comfortable with the lack of supervision, your DD isn't happy that she's just left alone with an ipad when she's supposed to be enjoying time with her father.

Sometimes as a parent we shouldn't have to check for a consensus of opinion, it's what's right for us as a family.

I'd be furious if he left my child unattended in a public place and if he couldn't be bothered to stand outside the doors to a public toilet for the short time she was in there.

Shame his parents can't be called upon to mediate. He might stop them seeing their GC but you wouldn't would you.

I would be very unhappy if I was you as well. Could you visit the sports club to ask them about the situation? I can't imagine that they would be happy about a six year old being left on their own either.

If that's the attitude his parents have then they sound crap too. I feel sorry for your DD that her dad is so rubbish.

Things must have changed a lot recently. My brother and I used to go with my Dad to watch him play football. A lot of the players brought their young kids and we used to run around all over the place and have a great time from about 3 years old, in fields, woods, and of course the bars and pubs afterwards. No supervision as such

It's a shame if that no longer happens in the sports and social clubs across the UK. I have great memories!

Emmy - the frustration you feel comes through loud and clear. It must be terrible to have your exH do something that you view as completely beyond the pale.
A couple of issues to unpack - I think it would be useful to separate out your (quite right) issues regarding how much time he spends with DD during the weekends. This is wrong (IMO) but certainly no reason to withhold contact.
The separate issue is leaving alone in public place. In this again I see two areas: letting her go to the toilet by herself - understand your position, but his equally valid. No reason to withhold contact here either.
Second is unsupervised for extended periods in Tennis club. You have divergent views on supervision. He clearly views the Tennis club as a 'safe' environment. You do not. He would doubtless assert that he knows the individuals at the club well, he obviously spends a lot of time there, therefore it is safe and he is leaving DD with 'friends' as opposed to your view that it is a 'public-place'. This divergent view on the context of the tennis club is not a reason, IMO, to withhold contact. This 'nuclear' option leads to horrendous issues for all concerned downstream. None of the three of you will ever recover from the animosity of such a course of action. It should be reserved for cases of physical and/or emotional abuse. Not divergent views on parenting.
You have all the power in this situation - you need to be 'spiderman': With great power comes great responsibility! A very difficult situation which I sense you will never be comfortable with. Good luck and keep being the bigger person and attempting to resolve using the methods available to you. Best.

WTF? Leaving a 6 yr old unsupervised in a tennis club is a difference of opinion on parenting, not a safeguarding issue? Christ I've heard some bullshit in my time, but that, Cityofgold, is quite a leap you've managed to make there. A 6 yr old, left in a public place, with no trusted adult to go to, no means of contacting a trusted adult, is a huge safeguarding issue. The fact you don't recognise it as such says as much about you as it does about the OP's ex. FFS, the girl is 6 yrs old. 6. Left alone with no one looking out for her, no one she can safely approach knowing they'll take care of her if she needs it, and no way to contact either of her parents if she gets scared. Who would stop her leaving the club if she got spooked by someone/something? How would she know what to do if someone approached her, having clocked she was alone with no adult? I think advising the OP to ignore the fact that this is a safeguarding issue is massively irresponsible.

Well I would certainly tell his parents what he's been up to,and if he says they can't see your DD again there's nothing to stop you visiting them with her

If I knew one of my young kids were unattended in that type of setting I would get to them and remove them,

45 mins away or not no matter how hard it was to get there.

I'd be furious, I can kind of to a point see the toilet thing if it was somewhere not busy and he was right outside the door. Ladies toilets are normally a lot nicer for kids but 6 is still pretty young.

Leaving your daughter in a sports club is ridiculous what if there was a fire evacuation when he popped home quickly, your daughter would be outside alone and scared, what a selfish git. Doesn't deserve to see her unless he is willing to look after her properly.