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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be livid about exH leaving our 6 yr old alone in public places?

60 replies

ExcitedEmmy · 27/11/2013 12:54

ExH and I have a recently turned 6 year old daughter. We have always had a difference of opinion when it comes to public supervision of our daughter. He encourages her to use public toilets alone rather than accompany her, for example, which I'm not happy with.

He sees her one or two weekends per month. He has a hobby which he does 2/3 times during the week (rather than coming to see dd which has been on offer since we separated several years ago) and at least twice over the weekend. On the weekends he has dd he sometimes leaves dd with his mum or girlfriend while he does the hobby but if they're busy he takes her and leaves her in a separate room to watch films on his iPad for over 4 hours. The room is adjoining to where he does his hobby but it's in a public sports club and so I don't agree with her being left.

Dd was talking about her father this morning and the films she had watched while he was doing his hobby at the weekend. She then said he had popped home to get changed and left her and his girlfriends son, who's 9, at the sports club and 'was gone ages.' He left them in the bar/cafe area with no responsible adults they or he knee. AIBU to be livid about this? His house is a 15 min drive from the sports club but regardless of the distance, I don't think dd should be left alone in public at all.

OP posts:
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 27/11/2013 14:13

I thought this was the skiing dad too. IIRC the advice there was to phone up the establishment and ask to speak to the manager about it. Can't remember exactly what was suggested but you could phone them, explain the situation, ask them to look out for your DD and phone you if she's left for any length of time with a member of staff waiting with your DD til you arrive?

Dumpylump · 27/11/2013 14:16

I always used the "benign neglect" approach with my dcs, but this is totally out of order.
Does your dd know your phone number and address? How about one of the most basic mobile phones you can get, so that she could call you if she was on her own somewhere and anxious?
I would be worried about what would've happened to her if your ex had been delayed, say, in a traffic accident or something. Would your dd have sat there til the place shut?

Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 27/11/2013 14:18

I will do that, thanks tension. I'm 45 mins away though, just wish I was closer so I could keep an eye on things myself. I need to be able to prevent him doing these things though otherwise it'll just be a different public place and I won't know until after the fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 27/11/2013 14:20

He wouldn't let her have a phone Dumpy as he'd feel as I was using it to check up on him. She knows our address but it's 45 mins away. She's shy and wouldn't ask for help Sad

OP posts:
Idocrazythings · 27/11/2013 14:20

I'm sorry you and dd are in this position. I will be thinking of you and hope you can sort it out. Xx

HansieMom · 27/11/2013 15:06

I do not think he deserves to have her. Could you stop contact? Then he will threaten to take you to court which would be fine. Maybe mediation?

42andcounting · 27/11/2013 21:33

He won't let her have a phone but has no problem with her being potentially stranded if he broke down or wad killed in a car crash? Wow. I really feel for you, what an idiot.

HopSkipJumpFroggyHopSkipJump · 27/11/2013 21:47

You need to stop access if he will not stop this (and actually stop not just lie to you).
Is there a court order or are you able to stop access instantly?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/11/2013 21:56

This is horrible. What on earth is he getting out of such crappy contact with his DD? She clearly is getting nothing out of it! Argh, it makes me frustrated and angry just reading it, let alone living it like you are OP - I really feel for you.

How far are you willing to take it? Leaving a 6 year old alone in a public place - surely that would be something like reckless endangerment? Neglect bordering on abuse? Get someone to tip you off and then ring the police. Sigh. Nice revenge fantasies aren't they. Although maybe a visit from a PC is what is needed to scare the living daylights out of him so that he would stop doing it.

Finola1step · 27/11/2013 21:59

Stop access. Your dd is being put at risk through inadequate supervision, care and attention. As the resident parent, you can not ignore the information your dd has given you.

Tell your ex that contact will have to be rethought. Say that dd wants to spend time with him but at a time when she actually gets to see him, not watch films on his iPad. Tell him that this is not acceptable and if he wishes for contact to resume, it is his responsibility to reorganise his schedule to make this happen.

Just a thought.. Do you know where this leisure centre is? Next time he has her, could you perhaps quietly go and have a look for yourself, see if she is on her own. I know that's quite stalkerish but, if you are concerned about her word against his, go and see for yourself.

ShinyBauble · 27/11/2013 22:00

She must be about the age where a court will take her opinions into consideration. If her days with him cause her anxiety and distress it might be an idea to stop visitation, and go to court if necessary.

ChasedByBees · 27/11/2013 22:13

Wow. I'd get legal advice and look at stopping access immediately. He's neglecting her and endangering her. Make sure that you tie up all loose ends and do everything by the book which is why I advise you seek advice. Could you call NSPCC?

Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 27/11/2013 22:32

It's not court ordered so I could stop it immediately. He isn't due to have her until Christmas now anyway. Speaking to the NSPCC/Children's Services for advice is a good idea, thank you - I will do that. HeartsTrumpsDiamonds - I suspect the only reason he sees dd is to keep up appearances with his parents Sad A few weeks ago he even bribed her with chocolate to pose for some father/daughter photos...she was back in front of the iPad the minute the photography left.

OP posts:
gimcrack · 27/11/2013 22:36

I can see why he is your ex.

minionmadness · 27/11/2013 22:47

The fact that he doesn't prioritise his dd when he has her is quite telling. He obviously is prepared to put her needs before his

I have a nearly 6 year old and wouldn't even consider leaving him in a public place by himself whilst I went off somewhere.

I would speak to him and tell him that he is neglecting her and you won't accept dd being left again

minionmadness · 27/11/2013 22:48

is = isn't!

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 27/11/2013 22:54

My DD is 6, and if my ex did something so bloody stupid, he'd get it in the fucking neck and i'd tell his dad, because his dad would hit the roof.

What selfish, twatty Disney dad.

balia · 27/11/2013 22:55

I am a terrible person...so I would be VERY tempted to go to the sports club when you know he will be there, wait until he leaves and go in and pick her up. Wonder how long it would take him to phone you and admit she was lost? He'd never leave her alone again.

Original poster
ExcitedEmmy · 27/11/2013 23:08

Balia - I'd thought of doing that but I'm 45 mins away so it's difficult. Lucius I'd considered telling his parents but sadly I don't think.they'd rock the boating in case he stopped them seeing dd. I know he'll react dismissively and like I'm being hysterical and it just feels ridiculous to have to tell a grown man in his 40s that this is not ok.

OP posts:
FluffyJumper · 27/11/2013 23:28

I came on here expecting to say YABU as I am evangelical about not having to keep DCs within sight at all times. However in this case he is out of order.

campion · 27/11/2013 23:49

If you split several years ago and your DD is only 6 now then he never really 'got' the whole being a parent thing, did he? Either he needs some basic parenting lessons or a final warning regarding her safety and needs.

Some men need these things spelling out to them very clearly.

Contact with gp's doesn't need to change even if you
did change your present arrangement with exH

Cityofgold · 28/11/2013 00:01

The OP has not even discussed it with her exH and yet there is a tidal wave of opinion that the OP should stop access?

This is the kind of bile that exasperates and doesn't solve problems. You need to have the conversation, with a mediator if necessary, to discuss your view on his actions. The OP's DD will not see him until christmas, so the perfect time is now.

One step at a time, the first step is not withholding access.

Kormachameleon · 28/11/2013 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fleta · 28/11/2013 08:38

The sports centre issue and the toilet issue are two separate ones I think?

I would absolutely NOT be happy with the former, completely inappropriate. With the toilet issue I'd be happy for my daughter to go to the toilets alone, if dad was standing outside the door.

sue52 · 28/11/2013 09:42

YANBU. He is putting his child at risk so he can enjoy tennis. How utterly selfish. I would re think access.