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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned DH not going to work/lying

54 replies

trackerc · 26/11/2013 23:31

Got an email from a team member from DH work tonight (who I used to work with, so I am friendly with her) Email said she was wanting to pass on regards to DH as she understood he was off sick & that 'they missed him there' & 'hope he knows his work is valued'
I know nothing about this - don't think he's been off sick (for a day or so) couple of months ago. He goes out to work at 7.30 each morning as far I know & each day we have brief conversations about work.
Now, I am not sure whether to believe it as he has a bit of a history of being misleading/omitting info. I'm not sure whether to go upstairs and ask 'is everything ok at work' and allow a conversation & opportunity to say. An issue with this is that he may then try to Cover tracks if i explain why I'm asking. Or I wonder whether to test it and ring his work tomorrow morning to see if he's there & then if he is then its evidence/more than an email from someone who may have it wrong.
If it is true I am fearful as to the motives not sure if it is related to the fact we have been drifting apart a little & he's a little bit more attached to his phone.
Value your thoughts....

OP posts:

nocarsgo · 26/11/2013 23:40

Oh blimey. Well, it very much sounds like he isn't going to work.

Do you think this colleague is trying to alert you that he's up to something and they (his colleagues that is) know it?

Original poster

trackerc · 26/11/2013 23:51

It's not unreasonable to think that that's the case. Bugger.
Am sat here kind of shaking/shivering in shock. I know its possible its a misunderstanding but not sure what course of action to take. It's a bit late now to discuss/confront. I'm also going away for a couple of days from tomorrow, back Saturday so worried ill confront/find something out & then leave.
What should I do?

OP posts:

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 23:51

I say stop tying yourself in knots and ask him outright

Original poster

trackerc · 26/11/2013 23:53

I can imagine if there's a dodgy reason he will be alerted to cover tracks/ sort it & placate me.
I do sound either paranoid or in trouble don't I?

OP posts:

lolaisafuckertoo · 26/11/2013 23:54

YOu can't go till Saturday feelinglike this mist. you have to ask. you simply do. this is about you too. is he the wage earner. YOu are in shock. give yourself a minute, think of an opening gambit. then in ye go.get your feet under you, straighten your thoughts. you know what you read so there has to be anexplanation.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 23:54

yes, you do

lolaisafuckertoo · 26/11/2013 23:55

IF you don't trust hiand all your instincts are going ding dong. this has to happen now. fuck knows what is going on though.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 23:56

sorry, no, let me rephrase

less of the paranoid and more terrified

what are you frightened of ? Surely you have to know if something momentous is going down ?

TeaAndSconesTwice · 26/11/2013 23:56

I also think you have to ask, don't leave it, just ask, you should be able to tell by his reaction.

BabylonReturns · 26/11/2013 23:58

Something isn't right :(

Original poster

trackerc · 26/11/2013 23:58

I know I need to broach it, but I wonder about doing it with a further bit of evidence/reassurance. That's why thinking of doing its after a quick call to speak to him at work & see what someone says as to his status - in/out/sick etc.
Not he's not really main wage earner, I'm now self employed & previously been main breadwinner but more variable since going self employed.

OP posts:

OhMerGerd · 27/11/2013 00:02

It's probably better to ask him now so your surprise is natural and there is no suggestion you've been harbouring doubts in case there is an innocent explanation.
I'd just ask in a non accusatory way , matter of fact .. Darling I've just had an email from a friend asking me if you're feeling better cos you've been off work for the last few days..? And then stop talking. Even if a silence fills the room, keep a kindly but concerned look on your face until be say something.
If it is the catalyst for him to break bad news , I'd rather know now and deal with it than have it c

lolaisafuckertoo · 27/11/2013 00:02

make the call then. give yourself the solid ground you need. np this in the bud or the whole thing is going to go arse to the wall. wonder about the whys after, get the situation clear for now

Original poster

trackerc · 27/11/2013 00:03

He'll be asleep - I've only got in from a meeting recently so just checked emails. I don't want to wake him to ask.
I am inclined to wait until tomorrow and see what to do. He usually goes early & I do school run.
Should I ring my ex-colleague?
Appreciate your thoughts and views - got a confused and jumbled head ATM

OP posts:

OhMerGerd · 27/11/2013 00:04

Carry on for days with worry.

Sorry phone posted this before end of sentence.

BigPawsBrown · 27/11/2013 00:07

I really think you should talk to him soon. You've been lied to - you don't know why yet, but that's major. I'd wake him.

lolaisafuckertoo · 27/11/2013 00:08

ok nasty tactics from lola. wake him up, have him on the back foot. as good as any place to start. I know you are anxious but he does have a few questions that need answering. if he wants to lie, then double check. just get some info out of him

OhMerGerd · 27/11/2013 00:09

I'd not ring the colleague. No. Wake him and ask him. Explain that you're worried. Is everything ok with him? be concerned for his health rather than accusatory . You won't be able to work properly with this hanging over you. If its bad news you can deal with it ... You can take control of this situation.

Mellowandfruitful · 27/11/2013 00:10

Don't ring work as you, if you're going to do that. That will expose what he's doing to his employer and then you'll look like the bad guy for getting him into trouble. If you're going to ring, ring as a client or something and ask when he'll be back in.

I would only do that to double check what you know, though. If you find out tomorrow he has not been in work, then I would go through the house and look for any documents/info that might explain his behaviour, and when he got home, once kids were in bed I would ask how work had been, and if he keeps up pretence, say 'Look, I rang your work today and you weren't there. So we need to talk about this honestly right now'.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 27/11/2013 00:11

id wake him. he will be half asleep so less able to spin you a yarn.

better still get in there and borrow his phone.

notapizzaeater · 27/11/2013 00:11

If he's asleep can you grab his phone ?

Original poster

trackerc · 27/11/2013 00:14

I'm thinking as him (& if i was lying) - if I was asked & I wasn't going in I'd definitely set off & turn up for work that day after being rumbled & therefore wouldn't be lying & I (as DW) would have difficulty double checking.
What if it was just today? I know it seems unlikely as email said 'we miss him here' but it could also be wrong & she may be mistaken or been given wrong info.
Whilst I'm anxious, I'm also trying to be reasonable to DH in that I ought to trust him first & question whether email info correct, not him IYSWIM.

OP posts:

OhMerGerd · 27/11/2013 00:15

Just be straight

Wake him up. Look him the eye and say I've just had a email asking me if you're ok as you e not been going into work. What's going on love? No more and like I say keep quiet let him speak then and don't fill the silence. He will feel the need to say something ... Anything and you will know him well enough to know from what he says, how he says it whether he is telling the truth or not.

AmbersFriend · 27/11/2013 00:16

Sorry you are in this position Tracker.

You say he is asleep now, and has been attached to his phone recently. Can you get your hands on his phone and check it out? I appreciate that this is not for everyone due to possibly breaking his trust but you say you have been drifting anyway. If it was me I would like to know as much as I could before discussing it with him. Been there, got the t shirt, twice!

Original poster

trackerc · 27/11/2013 00:16

He is a light sleeper & so unsure if I can get the phone without him noticing. I do want to get at the phone mind.

OP posts:

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