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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned DH not going to work/lying

54 replies

trackerc · 26/11/2013 23:31

Got an email from a team member from DH work tonight (who I used to work with, so I am friendly with her) Email said she was wanting to pass on regards to DH as she understood he was off sick & that 'they missed him there' & 'hope he knows his work is valued'
I know nothing about this - don't think he's been off sick (for a day or so) couple of months ago. He goes out to work at 7.30 each morning as far I know & each day we have brief conversations about work.
Now, I am not sure whether to believe it as he has a bit of a history of being misleading/omitting info. I'm not sure whether to go upstairs and ask 'is everything ok at work' and allow a conversation & opportunity to say. An issue with this is that he may then try to Cover tracks if i explain why I'm asking. Or I wonder whether to test it and ring his work tomorrow morning to see if he's there & then if he is then its evidence/more than an email from someone who may have it wrong.
If it is true I am fearful as to the motives not sure if it is related to the fact we have been drifting apart a little & he's a little bit more attached to his phone.
Value your thoughts....

OP posts:

AmbersFriend · 27/11/2013 00:18

Cross post.

OhMerGerd · 27/11/2013 00:18

That's why it's best just to be honest & stick to the facts. You've had the email what's going on? No accusations, no days of brooding on it which would look like you didn't trust him if its innocent and no snooping behind his back for evidence.
At this stage it could be innocent. But you need to know. Keep it between you and DH. Don't involve anyone else unless you are unhappy with his response.
Of course he could just turn up at work t

OhMerGerd · 27/11/2013 00:20

Oh for goodness sake this phone keeps posting.
Yes he could cover his tracks by turning up for work tomorrow but if he is having an affair and has been bunking off with OW its probably go e past the point where he is going to bother trying to hide it once confronted.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 27/11/2013 00:21

Go and get the phone. If he stirs, abandon quest for phone and confront.

Colleagues dont send emails like that for a day or twos leave. He clearly hasnt been in last week either.

OhMerGerd · 27/11/2013 00:26

Could he have been sacked Or suspended? They only give the info on a need to know basis citing sickness while some misdemeanour is fully investigated.
Agree that for colleague to send email something out if the ordinary is occurring.

Original poster

trackerc · 27/11/2013 00:29

I've checked back into my emails & last email I had from his work email was 6th Nov. it's not totally unusual for him to email from his googlemail account but that's where majority have come from. I'm gonna head up to see if I can nosey at the phone but I can imagine he'd cover tracks there too (I caught him out 9 years ago with mobile flirt texting)

OP posts:

Original poster

trackerc · 27/11/2013 00:34

I don't think he would have been suspended, I think he'd ask for my support on that. He'd only be secretive if he was purposefully withholding something (I'm the one who does most things & is the emotional support person) Plus we worked in the same field for some years & would expect ppl to mention it/see how he is. Would think that many would prob be more loyal to me than him too.
I do think there is something amiss - just to find out what. And why

OP posts:

OhMerGerd · 27/11/2013 00:34

Poor love. Last thing you want at the end of a long day. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Me ...? I'd have been up their by now and woken him up. If he hasn't got the sack yet he very soon will do as it seems that others may be on to him or suspicious. He also needs to know that so he can keep his job. Last thing you need is an ex out of work leaving you to pick up all the bills etc.
all the best

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 27/11/2013 00:36

Could he be gambling?

Original poster

trackerc · 27/11/2013 00:37

Thanks. MNetters you have all been so kind & supportive with useful suggestions & views.
Will provide update report

OP posts:

missingmumxox · 27/11/2013 00:57

That makes no sence, he would tell me if he was suspended? He hasn't for whatever the reason he hasn't been to work.
A couple of years ago a employee of mine was suspended without my knowledge, I got a phone call from HR saying it was pending investigation, I was not told what the reason for this was.
I just told all my other staff he was off sick, in the hope he would return and then he would not have any embarrassment on return and could chose to share or not.
I didn't have an issue with his work at all so fully expected him back, and the fact I was not asked anything apart from did I have an issue with his work?
He was sacked after months of "sickness" I was told later he was "randomly" drug tested the day after he returned from a festival! I am still beyond angry about this but that is my story.
The point being that not always do managers tell the truth to other staff because we don't aways know the full facts ourselves

Jinsei · 27/11/2013 00:59

You poor thing, OP. I hope there is an innocent explanation.

fryingpantoface · 27/11/2013 01:47

Did you manage to check his phone?

LindyHemming · 27/11/2013 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ · 27/11/2013 06:54

Oh dear, you are right to be worried!

Have you checked his phone yet?

Blueandwhitelover · 27/11/2013 07:46

Hope things are ok

Original poster

trackerc · 27/11/2013 09:00

Hi Thanks for concern. When I got in bed I did disturb him & he got up to get a drink so I checked the phone. Nothing too dodgy other than texts from 2 of his mates (one from work) each asking was he off? His reply was that he'd been to docs Mon morning & been signed off for 2 weeks with stress. So when he got back in bed I asked innocently where he was the next day (he can sometimes be over 2 sites) he said 'town he usually works' & he was quite accusatory 'why you asking?' I just said cos wondered where you would be tomorrow His reply 'stop being effing cryptic' I left it at that and went to sleep at least knowing what part of the situation was.
This morning.... He gets up as usual & potters round house then comes in to say hell take DD to school as he's available. He left long pause hoping I'd fill it. Then said 'as you must've been hinting at at 1am you must know I'm not in this week' further pause (which is hard for gobby me) He then said he'd been to GPs Mon & been signed off 2 weeks, referred to psychological stuff as he says been anxious. Said been to cinema in the day, said was planning on telling me later (the night before I go abroad for couple of days)
I said I'm glad i know but I'd def think he'd have kept up pretence til next week. Said he didn't want to worry me as I had 2 big meetings (they weren't that big) & although he has a history of low mood anxiety & being off sick for this, I can't really reconcile it with how he's been 'fine last week, jolly weekend with friends etc' (in contrast to how he mightve been in past) I did say how it worried me, how regardless of intentions, it was deceptive &
Anyway there it is, not sure how truly satisfied I am, but I have more info

OP posts:

LessMissAbs · 27/11/2013 10:06

I also think the colleague and work suspects something is up and are trying to get information about it from you, in a subtle way. The "they missed him there" comment is particularly telling. To me, that indicates he has been off long enough for them to miss him and they feel uninformed about it.

I think if you ask him, you risk not getting the truth, or an abridged version. To me, this is so serious that I'd prioritise myself and get information from other sources before broaching it with him.

Sorry to say it, but he sounds like he might be a compulsive liar. Has he shown any other signs of this in the past?

LoveandLife · 27/11/2013 10:31

I think it could be plausible that he's been signed off with stress and didn't want to tell you but I also think it's entirely probable that the colleague was trying to tell you something. Why didn't she just email him if she wanted to ask after him?

It doesn't at all explain why he's been so attached to his phone. If he's had loads of time on his hands during the day wouldn't he need to do less with his phone in the evenings? (as he would reply to messages etc when bored during the day)

Could you reply to the message from your friend by way of a phone call? Just say thanks for your concern, maybe ask if she knows what lead up to it?

lookatmybutt · 27/11/2013 10:41

That comment doesn't mean anything. My boss says the exact same thing if you're off for one day with a stomach bug - it's part of the spiel where they pretend they give a shit.

You can also have anxiety but still be able to smile and go out to relax. One weekend with friends is not the same as a working a full working week.

He may just be a bit embarrassed by work related stress. A lot of people still do not understand how depression and anxiety work and can jump to all sorts of conclusions that are just not true.

LoveandLife · 27/11/2013 10:49

I agree look but isn't it odd to have asked his wife rather than the employee himself?

jammiedonut · 27/11/2013 11:01

My dh was signed off for depression/stress, he kept the pretence of 'going to work' to his family and many friends as he was so ashamed, so if this is indeed the case with your dh I can understand his actions, although I'd be concerned that he didn't feel he could tell you (I booked the dr appointment for my dh after he had a breakdown in our living room). Yanbu to be concerned but you will need to tread carefully, as you've already said you can't understand how he can be happy with friends then be signed off for stress I think you will have to do a bit of reading to understand what may be going on in his head, and offer some support.

lookatmybutt · 27/11/2013 11:54

I don't know, Love, personally I wouldn't put it past my particular employer to do that. I know that they did keep pushing my dad for even more info when I was hospitalised when I was already fully certificated by a doctor and didn't hide anything from them. I think they were angling for my entire medical file at some points, which is ridiculous for a number of reasons.

They've done all kinds of crazy shit when I've been off sick, but that's for another thread.

struggling100 · 27/11/2013 12:00

I think it's VERY hard for some men to admit that they are struggling psychologically. This could well be the explanation for his behaviour, particularly if you have been drifting apart a bit lately.

I do think you have to be really, really careful how you handle this. It is possible that he's genuinely unwell.

LoveandLife · 27/11/2013 12:00

Ok, I'm sure it can happen but this wasn't the boss was it? It was just a colleague and a friend of OP's

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