to wish the passion / excitement / honeymoon period didnt have to ever end in relationships?

[lostthespark]

and to think there would probably be NO or very few extra marital affairs if it didn't?

been with DH 6 years and married 3. we have 2 dcs, 7 and 4 (my dc1 is from a previous relationship) i love and still fancy him, he is a brilliant husband and dad and he says he loves and fancies me as well. but it is just not the same as the early days

we kept our "spark" for ages, probably for the first 2 or 3 years. which is certainly longer than it lasted in any other relationship i have ever had. we have both had boring sexless relationships before we met and for the first few years could not believe our luck in finding eachother and how good the sex was, at first, we were absolutely crazy about eachother, it was almost like an obsession

dh says the "spark" is still there, for him. but i don't believe him TBH. we go to bed and just want to sleep. inb the last few months, we only ever DTD sunday mornings when the dcs are downstairs watching tv. with one eye on the bedroom door. once a week ffs. a few years ago it was every day. and we would feel sorry for those "boring" once a week couples and now we are one of them :( and i am gutted tbh as we went away last weekend with no dcs and did not even do it once. 3 years ago if we had gone away just the 2 of us we would not have got out of bed

it doesnt help that i am 5 months pg and feeling pretty unsexy anyway. but when i was pg 5 years ago with our first DC together we still couldnt stop shagging right up till the due date (sorry for tmi and resumed it quickly after the birth

anyway i wish nature allowed us to keep feeling the way we do in the beginning, because i think then everyone in relationships would be a whole load happier :/

YABU - you are just describing normal life, everything gets mundane after a while.

I dunno, I really don't agree with relationships being happier if we stayed feeling how we do at the beginning of a relationship. When I met DH I was 19, insecure, went through all the shit, will he call or won't he, is he gonna dump me soon etc etc......23 years on I am much happier with my mundane settled life.

Of course you go to bed and want to sleep....you have 2 DC and one on they way, just be realistic, appreciate what you have and don't hanker after the unobtainable - now if we all did that I believe relationships would be a lot happier.

Life is not skipping through the poppyfields hand in hand, that only happens in films :)

I see your point, but YABU.

As exciting as it was, it was also utterly exhausting and all consuming, I much prefer where dh and I are 14 years on, and I would say we are much happier now then in the early days too because we know each other better, trust each other and are more comfortable with each other.

YABU. I thought I'd share a passage we had as a reading at our wedding 2 years ago. It's by CS Lewis and I think it describes the progression of relationships perfectly and shows that the change in spark etc doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing:

“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

i know i am probably being U.

i dont get excited when he comes home anymore, or when my phone rings and its him. he rings me every day on his lunch break and i just got off the phone to him now and i was not very talkative as i was thinking about what i had written earlier, he was saying he missed me and wished he was at home with me, and i didn't say it back because i would have been lying

we have not had sex for over a week now. ironically the more sex we have the better our relationship is, and the more i want it. sex and passion are really important to me, i don't need a friend, or a companion, i have plenty of friends

its shit atm, i am bored.

I know what you mean and I'm a little sad that I'll never have that heart-fluttering feeling you get when you first meet someone again but I wouldn't ever want to swap what we have.

Our sex-life has become pretty boring and low frequency but that's because of me. I used to be like you and pity other couples but now I just want to cuddle up and sleep. Sometimes it can be really good though and I always think "I should make the effort more often". Do you make the effort? Why didn't you have sex when away - was it because neither of you wanted to? I don't believe sex is compulsory in a good marriage but I think it can be good for reconnecting with one another and what matters is that both of you are happy.

Do you ever go out as a couple in a group? I find sometimes when I'm watching my DH interact with other people I get a little "flutter" and think phwoar to myself, glad that I'm the one who gets to go home with him.

I don't think it has to be this way. But I believe that after that initial chemical reaction it takes a wee bit more effort.

I had the opposite thought to you the other evening after we missed most of our TV programme snogging on the couch like teens. Like Happy I still get that flutter, usually when DH is getting excited about something he's telling me.

Life is boring, but your relationship should be your sanctuary from it.

Do you want more sex? Or are you more surprised that you're satisfied sexually with the status quo.

YANBU. Still very much in the "honeymoon" stage with my DP after nearly two years together - seriously hoping it doesn't end :( I can't imagine ever not being sparkly mad about her!

I don't think it does go away but the spontaneity goes as life poults more barriers in your way so it requires more effort.

happy me too. i remember the first kiss with dh. it was amazing and it makes me sad we will never have that again, not with eachother anyway. i also remember my first kiss with someone just before DH after coming out of a 7 year relationship (that i was bored to death in) and that was incredible in a different way

i also think that you shouldn't have to "make the effort" surely if you are right for eachother it should just come naturally?

and dixie yes i was still like that 2 years in with DH.....and convinced it would never go..... :o

I have never had a spark with my DP and we are still together 4 years later. YABU

Where you are wrong is to think that if you are made for each other then you don't have to make an effort to keep the relationship alive.
If you want the sparks and the sex life that means having sex more than once a week then make it happen. Loving is not about how you feel about someone else and that person makes you feel. It's about what you do to them to make them happy, to make them feel loved.

You said you went away wo the dcs but didn't gave sex. Why was that? Because you didn't fancy it or because you were too tired?

And finally don't forget you are 10 years older than when you met. You have 2 dcs, another on the way. How can you not feel more tired and less willing to spend energy on non essential things such as sex?

The thought of being excited every time I saw DH makes me feel tired so YABU. We've been married for 24 years and of course you have to make an effort with your relationship otherwise day to day life gets in the way.

I remember I couldn't wait to get that nervous early stage over with! I couldn't wait for that secure feeling that comes with time...but don't think me and DH are in that rut, still feel excited about him coming in the door at night (or the other way round), still enjoying shagging snogging on the sofa like teens, and sometimes feel like i miss already before we've gone our separate ways for a couple of days!

I do think it's possible to keep the spark going - and if you want more sex, have it! My tip for more sex is never wear nightwear - brave the cold bed naked, snuggle up and you'll soon fancy a shag no matter how tired!

I've been with my DH for 11 years - married for three. I know exactly where you're coming from.

I highly recommend a book called 'Mating in captivity' - on phone so can't easily add Amazon link.

The gist is basically that we become complacent in long-term relationships, but the 'spark'/ butterflies etc come from feelings of risk/ uncertainty. This book really resonated with me because it had some slightly more useful suggestions than just spicing up your sex life with new knickers etc.

I think the stage your relationship is at -6 years in- is the key here. In fact I think I remember it myself (21 year relationship). You're still remembering the heady onset of falling in love, and dealing with the inevitable end of that chemical rush, and yes, it can feel boring and even a bit frightening in an 'Is this it?' kind of way. I promise you, OP, it gets better again. I wouldn't swap the more settled, but no less intense, kind of love I have now for my partner for that initial falling in love.

Relax and ride it out. The good times will come again.

Sorry but obsessional love is just exhausting, it's fun for a year or so but you can't keep up swooning and behaving stupidly and being up all night having sex then going to work and boring your friends senseless with every little thing they do for ever. Even this would become boring!

It's so much fun at the time though I do agree.

That quote from CS Lewis absolutely sums it up for me. I feel quite tearful now.

My sex life was boring until about a year ago.

You have to make time for sex, the less you do it the more it's easy to put if off and it get into that cycle.

We have been together for 32 years (married 30) and it does reach calm waters.

It would be utterly unsustainable otherwise when DC entered the picture.

We are slower, more tired and world-weary BUT we absolutely know each other so well.

When you have DC you spend so much time worrying and stressing about them that there is less energy available for the "Grand Passion"... And that's exactly how nature has moulded us.

i am worried i am the kind of person that just can't do long term relationships

as i said upthread, my last relationship ended at 7 years, i ended it. because i was bored to the point where the thought of sex with him made me feel nauseous. i didn't fancy him whatsoever. and sex had felt "wrong" for a few years with him before that, i felt like he was related to me or something :S

i would hate that to happen with DH, as i really do love and fancy him so much, much more than i loved and fancied my ex. and he is a nicer person, we get on better etc. and of course, we have DCs which believe me i would not throw this away lightly as they adore him, and he them.

(also someone said we are 10 years older than when we met, just to be clear we have only been together 6 years, i just turned 34 and dh is 42. omg. actually. is that OLD? :( )

i think its the no sex when we went away that has triggered this. someone asked upthread why we didn't do it. and my answer is - because neither of us started anything. in the past it wouldn't have needed anyone to "start" things - we would have just jumped on eachother

there are some lovely messages on this thread though, and thank you all for them. and i am so envious of all of you who are still in love and happy in long term relationships.

lost I don't think there is any worry there that you can't do LT relationship.
7 years is known to be more of a 'turning' point in a relationship but I can't say any of what you said sounds worrying. Not wanting to have sex with your partner can be due to lots and lots of things. Tiredness and having 2 dcs being ONE BIG REASON. And it seems you needed some time off to rest and recover.
It doesn't mean that you are not attracted to each other anymore! It just means you have a lot more responsibilities and priorities, people that need you a lot.

And if you read your posts back, you still mention A LOT that you still fancy your DH. Seriously, it's OK.

When my dcs were little, I remember reading something from a parent who had adopted a child. Their advice to a new adoptive parent was 'To act as you love the child as this will then turn into love'.
I found it true with my own dcs. But I think this is true with adults relationships too. When you make the time and the effort to care for your partner, it does make them more 'loveable' and attractive. It's much easier to jump on each other when you have felt cherish airing the day than when all the interactions have been about keeping the house running with little care of the other person' effort.

At the risk of sounding bleugh, bleugh, bleugh, it is possible to have that spark still after a long relationship. After 25 years, DH still makes my heart skip a beat if I catch his eye at a party, or when I hear his key in the door when he comes home, or when he rings or texts (about ten times a day). And we still have plenty of sex.

I think it's hard to have the heady, can't keep your hands off each other, infatuated relationship after a number of years. It's just too intense.

And if you get out of the habit of having sex, it does mean that one of you does need to make an effort to get back on track. If you arent having sex, you could lose the intimacy and feeling of closeness/togetherness/partnership that goes with it.

aww thats lovely bowlers :)

lady thats good then that you think i shouldn't worry. although what do you mean about 7 years being a turning point?

and yes we do need to make the effort to get back on track, trouble is i feel pretty unattractive when i am pregnant, have body issues anyway never mind when upduffed, and feel self conscious (even though dh says i am still sexy, i don't feel it) plus now i have a bump, certain positions are off limits iyswim

On my phone so can't link, but google wedding reading from captain corelli's mandolin. Similar to the Cs Lewis one. Plus you are 20+ weeks pregnant with 2 other ankle biters FFS! Give yourself a break, it will come (see what I did there) x

And what happyseven said about phwoar :)