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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to send 13 month old to nursery?

50 replies

insideleg · 26/11/2013 09:21

I have 2 DC. DC1 (2) attends nursery for a few hours when I am at work, all other times my DF and DM look after them both. I only work 3 days a week.
I would like to have my DC2 (13 months) in nursery on a non working day for the afternoon. This would allow me one afternoon a week to do grocery shopping, cleaning the house, any appts etc etc. My DF thinks it is unreasonable and that 13 months is too young to be put in nursery. I feel like I really need this time as two kids under the age of 3 is so relentless. DH doesn't mind either way. I feel criticised by my DF who is implying that I am palming them off. AIBU? We can just about afford it.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/11/2013 09:23

Yanbu. They get the attention they need while you do all the boring stuff and then it's done so u can enjoy your dd even she gets home. Don't see problem. :)

tweetytwat · 26/11/2013 09:24

What on earth has it got to do with him? If he wants to look after the little one for you then let him but shopping/housework with toddlers is no fun at all, if you can easily avoid it I would.

Tee2072 · 26/11/2013 09:28

It's got nothing to do with him. Do what you need to do.

Artandco · 26/11/2013 09:30

It depends. If you want an afternoon to yourself sure, but I wouldn't bother just to do the grocery shopping/ appointments. Just shop online and book appointments during 13 months nap time. Surely they sleep for a good few hours a day anyway at that age ( I think 3-4 here), so I would just do things in house or out then. And use the afternoon to read :)

Also consider if its more effort. Having to rush lunch/ miss naps/ gt to nursery and back in rain is often worse than just staying in

Longtalljosie · 26/11/2013 09:31

This is the price you pay for relative care - and God knows I'm not judging because I am just where you are - I have a 13 month old too and have considered this for very similar reasons (also she doesn't sleep so it would allow me to go back to bed and catch up). My ILs' reaction is one of the reasons I don't...

Pooka · 26/11/2013 09:40

You can do what you want.

But you can do online grocery shopping and make appointments while children around. Could use the money you'd pay for nursery to lay or a cleaner.

Basically, if by looking after your dcs while you work is, in your parents' eyes, saving you money and also meaning they're not in nursery so much, then I can see where your df is coming from in thinking that then putting them into nursery for you to have child free time is a bit much. Doesn't mean I don't know how relentless it can be with young dcs or am criticising you, but I can sort of see where they're coming from.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/11/2013 09:41

Too young? My DS started nursery at exactly 1 year as I had to go back to work. It's got nothing to do with your fil. Personally I think nursery is great, my DS loves it.

Original poster

insideleg · 26/11/2013 09:45

I know you're right, why do I feel so guilty - is it because I won't be at work and so will be 'free'? I can't be angry with DF as he does help in sl many ways - I have to leave for work so early and a childminder/nursery wouldn't be able to accommodate this and so he is the reason I have been able to go back to work at all. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty

OP posts:

Yamyoid · 26/11/2013 09:51

Don't feel guilty. It's only 1 afternoon and gives you a break. Dc will have more fun and stimulation there than following you round while you do chores.
When ds was little and at nursery, if I had a day off work I still sent him to nursery so I could get stuff done.
All kids are different, I certainly can't get all the things done I need to while dd naps.

monicalewinski · 26/11/2013 09:54

YANBU.

Like previous posters have said, have the afternoon to yourself to do whatever you want - even just to read a book uninterrupted!

13 months is not too young for nursery, and just because we are parents, does not mean we instantly become martyrs to our children - you are still a person in your own right, don't feel guilty.

KateSpade · 26/11/2013 10:01

I don't know if this will make you feel better, but my DD is in nursery full time, and on a Friday afternoon my parents finish at dinner time, but don't rush to pick her up. They do the food shopping, tidy up & just have half an hour to themselves.

My DD started nursery at a similar age and she bloody loves it, which if your DC may have a similar attitude towards it, which does somehow ease the guilt.

Original poster

insideleg · 26/11/2013 10:07

Thank you, and thank you KateSpade. I totally appreciate that many children of a similar age are in nursery full time and deep down I know most absolutely love it. My niece is the same age as my DC2 and is in nursery 50 hours a week, so 5 hours a week is nothing, I am going to just stop being so bloody stupid. I know we're not having any more children and I am worried I will regret not spending all my free time with the kids, it's utterly ridiculous I know.

OP posts:

Groovee · 26/11/2013 10:11

Can you find a nursery who'll only take for 1 afternoon a week? A lot of places insist on a minimum number of sessions a week.

I don't see anything wrong with it. Ds went to granny's one morning a week to give me time to do the food shop. If I could have afforded the 2 sessions a week at the nursery I liked, I would have done that instead.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/11/2013 10:12

I work shifts and occasionally I work a weekend but still send DS to nursery during the week. Why? Because he has a great time and I can have a much needed lie in and me time. Although I usually end up cleaning.

Don't feel guilty, we all need a bit of time to ourselves, even if it is to do the shopping. We're all still people, not just Mums.

Crowler · 26/11/2013 10:13

This sounds like a perfect arrangement. Don't feel guilty about it. Don't explain.

MumofYuck · 26/11/2013 10:16

I have 13 months between my two. DS1 started going to nursery 1 day a week aged 11 months so that he'd be used to it by the time DS2 turned up and so I could have some alone time with DS2 poor mite. Later on I ended up putting both of them in nursery for one day a week (together) just so I could get some REAL alone time! DS2 was 7 mo at that point and he was perfectly happy. In fact a friend who had to return to work at 6mo commented that her DS didn't really have a separation anxiety phase because he'd already got used to nursery and liked it there.

Your DF is making you feel guilty when there is no need to be. My kids love nursery, they run off into the fray and don't even say bye to me! It makes me a little sad but I think it's probably better for them that they love it there than not. My ego can take it barely

Stepmooster · 26/11/2013 10:17

I have 2 under the age of 2, the eldest is going 3 days a week to nursery even though I am on maternity leave. She started at 12 mo when I was still working FT.

Everytime I read her book as to what she has been up to I realise I could never give her as much to do now I have a 12 week old feeding monster.

Their garden is bigger than mine and is an explosion of Little Tikes toys, she gets to do water and sand play. They have themed play areas, books, home, ICT, softplay, music, art. It's like baby/toddler heavan.

She has friends already, and when I take her out to softplay when she is with me she already has great social skills and is used to being aorund other children.

I have no immediate family to take her or give me a break to get on with chores etc. I truly believe she enjoys herself at nursery and because I get a break from her she gets good qualtiy mummy time and not mummy at her wits end.

Original poster

insideleg · 26/11/2013 10:17

Yes Groovee DC2 has a place for one afternoon a week at the same time and place as DC1. A great nursery.

Right, that's me told, thank you everyone. That was my first AIBU!

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 26/11/2013 10:18

Ask your DF if he will have them that afternoon if he's so keen on not putting them in nursery, because that's what you're going to do.

redskyatnight · 26/11/2013 10:19

IS DF happy with the time that he and DM look after the DC? If they are finding it a bit much, but feeling happy to do it because they think it is preferable to the DC being in nursery, I can see why DF is annoyed at the idea that you would put them in nursery just to give yourself a break.

GeeinItLaldy · 26/11/2013 10:22

I put DD in nursery for half a day a week from 5 months of age. Partly to settle her for going more often when I returned to work but most because I found that half a day per week to myself, even if just spent doing mundane stuff, was sanity saving.

Original poster

insideleg · 26/11/2013 10:23

redskyatnight - As they already do the childcare when I am at work I wouldn't ask for any more.

the time is for cleaning etc - I usually send my DH out with the kids at the weekend for hours so I can get on with it so it wouldn't be for a break.
I am going to talk to him about it - tell him to lay off the guilt trip.

OP posts:

NoComet · 26/11/2013 10:25

I was lucky enough to be able to afford to send DD2 (about 16 months) to nursery one day a week.

This gave me a mornings peace and an afternoon alone with DD1.

DD2 loved nursery and continued her one day right up to school age and asked to do their holiday club until she was 8.

redskyatnight · 26/11/2013 11:53

I think you've missed my point. It seems that your DF considers nursery to be "bad", for whatever reason. It may be that consequently he and DM have taken on more childcare than they are necessarily happy with to avoid your DC having to go into more nursery. But you are then going to put your DC into more nursery anway - so they are still putting themselves out, your DC are still getting the "bad" thing and the only person benefitting is you, who gets lots of free childcare and a break from the DC (which like others I would not be using to be doing cleaning btw).
[This is not my opinion , just conjecturing how DF might be thinking]

redskyatnight · 26/11/2013 11:54

Actually ... why not use the nursery money to hire a cleaner instead?

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