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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to send 13 month old to nursery?

50 replies

insideleg · 26/11/2013 09:21

I have 2 DC. DC1 (2) attends nursery for a few hours when I am at work, all other times my DF and DM look after them both. I only work 3 days a week.
I would like to have my DC2 (13 months) in nursery on a non working day for the afternoon. This would allow me one afternoon a week to do grocery shopping, cleaning the house, any appts etc etc. My DF thinks it is unreasonable and that 13 months is too young to be put in nursery. I feel like I really need this time as two kids under the age of 3 is so relentless. DH doesn't mind either way. I feel criticised by my DF who is implying that I am palming them off. AIBU? We can just about afford it.

OP posts:

Meh84 · 26/11/2013 11:57

YADNBU!

I did this before I started work, DS went for one morning a week and it was the best thing I did.

I got my jobs done in peace and quiet, and other mornings I would just mooch around some shops and have a cuppa in a grown up environment. It also brought DS out of his shell as he was very shy.

I'd say go for it :)

somersethouse · 26/11/2013 12:04

YABU.

Your parents care for your children while you are at work. You want an afternoon child free and are paying a nursery for a 13 month old, when you are not at work. Your DF is pissed off, understandably! He does so much to help you out for free and now you are paying a nursery for another day without looking after your very young children, when you are actually at home!

I can see where he is coming from. I am afraid it is his business as he does a hell of a lot of child care for you.

You can do shopping on line and also clean the house around them! They are surely, also in bed very early at that age?

Agree with others who suggest using the money saved from the proposed nursery to pop to the park with your children and pay a cleaner and come back to a sparkling house! Win win! Guaranteed you would not clean for 3 hours like a cleaner would.

choceyes · 26/11/2013 12:06

13 months is not too young for an afternoon of nursery.

I can see your point, but I can see your FILs point as well, just like somersethouse explained.
I would do online shopping and hire a cleaner as well.

riskit4abiskit · 26/11/2013 12:12

Too young? Aaargh I now feel royally shit that I will have to send mine to nursery full time from 7mths so I can work.

nurseneedshelp · 26/11/2013 12:14

Do it! It will be great for the child too, they will get the opportunity to mix with other children too.

It's bloody hard work trying to get everything done.

janey68 · 26/11/2013 12:36

If you want your child in a nursery then that's your call, and there is absolutely no reason at all why there should be a problem with it

BUT I agree with the posts upthread: I suspect this isn't so much a fundamental opposition to nursery per se. I suspect it's more the case that you are using your parents for childcare when you work, and they then see you being prepared to fork out for nursery to have more time for yourself to get on with other things. Maybe your DF resents things on some level, even if its unspoken. Regular childcare is a Huge commitment; I would be looking at whether the situation is working happily for all parties rather than rushing into thinking nursery is bad for a 13 month old

HappyAsASandboy · 26/11/2013 12:49

I don't think nursery will harm your 13 month old!

However, your baby night struggle to settle in if they only attend once a week. Our nursery insists on a minimum of two occasions per week, and recommends spreading then through the week so that there isn't a great length of time between visits. I know when mine were babies, if they had a week between nursery days then they took a while to resettle and not fret through the session.

Why don't you give it a go? If you try it for a month and it's not working, you can give notice and stop. I understand completely why you like to be able to get on with things for a few hours, and this way you don't spend half the weekend doing chores while your DH is banished from the house!

oscarwilde · 26/11/2013 13:01

Your child is not too young. It will give DC2 a fun few hours with other children which your parents are probably not doing - or do they take your DC to lots of baby groups, sing nursery rhymes etc etc. They will pick up every bug going so I'd hold off until the weather is warmer myself.

Given your guilt level, I'd hire a cleaner and take the kids out myself. You can then get DH to take them out and actually have some time to yourself without anyone judging you. though your parents will presumably play the "your mother never had a cleaner and had umpteen small children hanging off her legs card then too

They'll get used to the concept. They may be more concerned that it's a reflection on their care and worried that it's a slippery slope into losing such regular contact as your DC grow up.

Original poster

insideleg · 26/11/2013 13:02

thank you for all your comments - it is really useful to hear alternative opinions - apologies redskyatnight I misunderstood you - thank you for clarifying. I think I will talk to DF about what he is concerned about and whether he is a bit miffed.

In my defence I do keep offering to put the DC in childcare on my work days and he would need to care for them one hour at the start of the day and two hours at the end of the day rather than all day but he has totally rejected this idea and says he can cope. Sorry I didn't mention this before. It seems he is anti nursery and thinks children should be with family.
In a way I feel he is trying to make up for lost time when we were kids as he worked an awful lot, and that is fine as my DC adore him but it makes me sad that he is making me feel guilty about this.

OP posts:

ExcitedEmmy · 26/11/2013 13:54

I agree once per week would be hard on a 13 month old. I think you'd be better off saving the nursery money to spend on doing something with your children. I don't understand the logic that children be shielded from necessary tasks. My 18 month old loves going food shopping and pointing out the fruit she knows the name of etc. I have friends whose children were always cared for when they were food shopping when younger and now they are a nightmare in supermarkets. I think they should just get used to it while young

NoComet · 26/11/2013 14:05

DD2 never found just one day a week a problem at all, she loved it. I was very boring when DD1 was at preschool and even more boring in later years when DD2 was at school.

She was very slightly older, as I say, probably 16 months, but she never shed a single tear, ever. in fact as soon as she could talk clearly she'd ask if it was nursery day.

NoComet · 26/11/2013 14:09

DD1 would probably have hated it DD2 loves people and loves other DCs her own age even more. She's the sort of child who always finds a group to play with, whether she was two and at soft play, on holiday aged 8 or 12 and at secondary school.

haveyourselfashandy · 26/11/2013 14:23

Put the child in nursery! My dd has been going for a FULL DAY a week for the same reason.Mine loves it,she loves the company of other kids and has thrived.Don't feel guilty about this,its your child,your choice.

Original poster

insideleg · 26/11/2013 14:41

thank you all - I will try it and then see. If there are many tears how long would I givie it before giving up? A month or two?

OP posts:

Mouthfulofquiz · 26/11/2013 15:40

I have mine in nursery for 90 minutes longer than I need which gives me enough time to do food shopping or run an errand or two before pickup - it's an absolute godsend. He's 18 months but has been at nursery since 11 months and he bloody loves it!!

Mouthfulofquiz · 26/11/2013 15:42

Should add - he goes 8-3 three days - but I usually pickup at 2... But it is so so so much easier to go to the shop without a toddler!! Good luck making your decision :-)

randomAXEofkindness · 26/11/2013 16:07

You won't find many people on here who will admit that they think YABU, Speaking out about childcare normally results in certain banishment

I can't imagine leaving my toddler somewhere crying one time just so I could do the dishes/shopping in peace, never mind 4-8 times. If you were saying that you were at the end of your tether, that would be a different story. I don't understand why you can't just do your shop online/clean up while he's there/napping...

scarletandblack · 26/11/2013 16:15

Why don't you give it a go, and see how it works out? If you or your dc are unhappy about anything, just stop. On the other hand, your dc might love it!

Phineyj · 26/11/2013 20:20

Ah okay - so your DF is laying a guilt trip on you for doing in essence what he did - having someone else care for your child while you get on with things that need doing. He has probably not had to consider how cleaning and house admin get done? It's your money and your DS and so it's up to you (and your partner) given that your DF is insisting on doing the full days when you have offered just the pre- and post- nursery arrangement. Smile and ignore or focus on what DS gets from nursery.

I have come across this 'nursery is automatically bad' from a number of my DPs generation (not DPs themselves though) and I sometimes wonder if they have actually been in one!

msmoss · 26/11/2013 20:26

Just don't tell your parents.

womblesofwestminster · 26/11/2013 20:40

Could your DFather not look after the nipper? Problem solved.

Bythebeach · 26/11/2013 20:41

Just a suggestion but could the money you spend on nursery go to a cleaner instead? I have 8& 5 year old and a 13 months too and work three longish days so like to 'be' with the kids when not working but agree it's tough with household chores. We have a cleane and I'm planning to increase her hours to include ironing and some laundry so less work to do around the house.

I also think just half a day might be toughish on a thirteen month baby...not enough time to settle and get used to nursery life...I think some nurseries have a minimum two day per week rule for this reason.

But ultimately whatever works for your family is of course best for you

Original poster

insideleg · 26/11/2013 20:50

Thanks all.
I did consider a cleaner but it seems there are so many things to be done other than cleaning. I hate sending my DH out for fun when I would like us to go out as a family more at the weekend. Evenings are out really as I have to work at home too and DH can be home pretty late.
I suppose in my gut I am worried that DF is right and that DC2 may be too young which is why I am letting him get to me rather than ignoring!

Phineyj thank you, it definitely does seem a generational thing.

OP posts:

jammiedonut · 26/11/2013 21:10

He's not too young, and plenty of parents have to send their children to nurseries at a much earlier age, so in that respect yanbu. I couldn't do it unless absolutely necessary as the cost would not be justified I.e I don't value my free time as worth that expense. That is my problem though, if you can afford to do it, go ahead.

superzero · 26/11/2013 21:20

DS2 was in nursery from 10m and it was great for his development,socialisation,learning about eating together etc.At 13m yours will be in a baby room with a high staff:child ratio.
This was compared to DS1 at a CM from 8m which although was nice and secure childcare did not offer the social advantages.
It is busy having 2 small children and a child-free afternoon is perfectly reasonable if you can afford it.
The only disadvantage is that just going to nursery for one afternoon per week may be unsettling for your DC but it wouldn't have stopped me personally.

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