To not invite mum to come back

[roweeena]

Oh dear I have had a nightmare visit from my mum and I'm not sure I can handle any further visits. I have an 8 week old and a 26 month old who has just started having major tantrums. My mum has always been a bit difficult and I'm tired, emotional and probably a bit sensitive.

Today started badly mum didn't get up until 9am despite us all being up since 6am. Then instead of doing something simple and fun for toddler like playgroup or local museum (mum said this would be boring and we should go out for lunch instead) - lunch with a two year old, & I agreed!

We left the house 4hrs after I woke up, I made breakfast for everyone, got everything ready and slow cooker dinner in pot - I was exhausted by then! 30mins bus journey, long walk, get to cafe and toddler has a meltdown, mum announces she can't cope with it and demands we leave before food arrives so I had to carry screaming toddler out and man handle into pram.

Another 30mjns bus journey with very grumpy tired and hungry toddler, luckily 8 week old slept in the sling the whole time.

Over the last 48hrs I have been subjected to loads of judgey comments - DS should be in training pants, DS shouldn't need a pram now, we over indulged DS.

This afternoon she said we didn't give DS enough boundaries and that he was spoilt.

I'm tired, mum has come to stay and hasn't helped at all, in fact demanded trip out, I've made her breakfast lunch and dinner and when DS woke up from his his afternoon nap she went for a bath!!! I've put up with judgemental comments all day & I feel like a really really crap mum. Although mum has apologised For calling hom spoilt, she obviously has issues with the way i parent. i just don't think she really understands what it is like having a toddler and a 8 week old. I don't want to feel this shit so just thinking of taking a break from having her to stay for awhile or is this petty? Should I say something - AIBU?

Ps we have no family close by, no support. Mum usually lives 2hr train journey away

Sorry for all the typos

Pack her suitcase
Or tell her she either helps or leaves

What the captain says. And have a .

Lesson learned there lovey!

My ds wasn't even started potty training until he was about 3, so don't even worry about that.

You know what wull work for your dc, so next time she pipes up, say 'No that won't work, this is what we'll do.." and trust your instincts!

Tell her to keep her opinions ro herself.

Yes give yourself some space and distance from her. She has forgotten what it's like to have a newborn. You'd think my mum had never had children the things she comes out with. You need to talk to her but that's probably best done when you've thought about it more and are clear about exactly what has upset you. You say that you might be being sensitive. I don't know how the two of you are normally and whether she is always insensitive. If you normally have a good relationship definitely hold off til you can talk calmly rather than risk damaging your relationship further.

However, I sympathise with you. I think it was daft of her to suggest lunch out. Yes I know you agreed but we are all restrained in these situations by politeness and wanting to please guests. I guess the problem is you didn't want or need guests, you needed her to help.

Criticising your parenting is off and I always react badly to that when DM and DMIL do it to me. I have to remind myself that they are a different generation and they see my parenting methods as a criticism of theirs. It doesn't stop me feeling like shit and totally inadequate and defensive every time they do it.

Not sure I'm helping but you are not alone with this kind of thing and you have a lot of sympathy from me.

Just tell her what you are doing and invite her along. If she moans, so be it, she moans anyway. If she says something nasty or pointed call her on it in a nice way 'oh what did you mean by that?'

Decide what you are doing, what you can all cope with and then do that, she can join in if she wants.

I wouldnt take my 2.6 year old to a cafe, he would kick off too!

He isnt spoilt, he is 2 years old.

He is just a baby, ignore your mum.

You are not very unreasonable at all. You have been very, very patient but enough is enough. You are not here to entertain her. You have too much on your plate for that. She needs to pitch in and help. Ask her to do whatever needs to get done. If she won't help and won't stop the negative talk, you need to give yourself a break from her visits for a little while. And I sent you and !

My mum was this helpful. She has always been breathtakingly lazy but even I was stunned when she came to "help" with a new born.

I now never let her stay more than 48hrs with the knowledge that she will be as much use as a chocolate tea pot.

You have my sympathies.

You must not let her get to you. As Num says - she has forgotten or she's so self-centred she can't put her own needs aside when in competition with small children.

It's not you or your parenting. It's her.

Mumsy's advice is good. At their age, what you do must suit the DCs and you

I don't want to feel this shit
There's your nutshell.

You say that your mum's always been a bit difficult and it certainly doesn't sound like she took any pressure off the situation for this visit.
I wouldn't rush to repeat it, particularly as you feel tired and a bit stressed anyway.

I'd avoid any confrontation with her to be honest as I suspect it will only make you feel more shitty. If she wants to visit again, be low key but honest and say it didn't really work out well for either of you this time did it.

Have some and be kind to yourself, put all this to the very back of your mind and don't take too much on.

It used to be subtly suggested that my DS1 needed a smack, that French children were always really well-behaved, and I used to endure 3-hour lunches with my PIL with a baby and toddler.

Why the feck I went along with it I'll never know..

I remember having a meltdown at my mother when I had a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old.

We had no family help and did everything by ourselves, had just moved house and then my Mum came to say. Started her usual sniping and lecturing.

I lightly brushed the kerb turning out of the end of my road (my driving goes to pot when my Mum is in the car because she is SO critical of it) and my Mum made a stupid comment about it and I lost it, slammed on the brakes and told her to go home

She was all ready to get on the next train home until I apologised to her (about an hour later).

I can't explain it, but it was SO, SO hard with a toddler and a newborn and I was just about holding it together til the one person who I thought may be able to help a bit turned up and basically told me I was shit and doing everything wrong.

Sorry, that was long. But YANBU, in a few years time you'll feel better about it all, but right now it's survival of the fittest and if you need her to go then that's ok.

You basically have to tell your mum you and your kids come before her selfishness

Stop running around trying to please her!

She sounds extremely egocentric - time to put a halt to her sense of entitlement.

You owe it to all of you. Your new family.

Thanks everyone I do feel I bit better just writing it down. I think mum knows she has overstepped the mark today and she did mention leaving early tomorrow.

I have definitely learnt a lesson - don't take too much on, don't have visitors which are going to be guests that need entertaining and say no to suggestions of days out and lunches!!!

I also thought my DM was a bit too rough with DS today - almost dragged him off the bus with his arm when DS was playing up (i told her to stop at the time but there has been no apology or discussion about it since) so I think a bit of distance is needed for a little while.

Thank god she is not coming for xmas!

Sounds like my pil memories of DS1 crawling and crashing about in a fine dining restaurant for MILs birthday lunch and DH giving up and taking him outside and walking him up and down in a minus 10 degree snowstorm

They forget. They're older and their empathy chip deteriorates, they have more time on their hands and become more self centred. My MIL has dragged me out of costa before I finished my coffee because she "couldn't handle it".

Space out visits one every 5 years and keep them short. Plan things that suit you and DC, she can either join you or do her own thing. And keep using "that just doesn't work for us".

I can't explain it, but it was SO, SO hard with a toddler and a newborn and I was just about holding it together til the one person who I thought may be able to help a bit turned up and basically told me I was shit and doing everything wrong.

She sounds quite toxic. Have you read Susan Forward? "Toxic Parents".

It's very good.

I don't think shes forgotten at all. I think she is feeling inferior because you are doing a better job. Honestly, I do.

My mum used to criticise my parenting all the time and looking back Im sure it was because she was put out that I was a better mother than she ever was.

She is trying to make herself feel better by putting you down. Don't buy it. You sound like you are doing a fab job.. really

Your toddler is just a baby himself and one who has had his world turned upside down as he now has to share the person he loves most in the world. He needs sensitivity and extra TLC not criticism and judgement from your mother.

Get her out of there and cuddle your family close. You are doing nothing wrong and many things right. .. I'm especially impressed at the catering; we lived mostly on microwave popcorn and takeaways at 8 weeks in.

Frankly I think you should invite her to leave. You sound as if you are coping just fine...(in fact you've just become a super mum in my eyes...dinner in slow cooker!) I think she is jealous, toxic and a drain on your energy. Pack her bag.

And as for your parenting of DS, who gives two hoots what she thinks...you're his mum, you know him best and if a mum can't supply love and kindness to her own child then it is a sad day for both that poor child and the rest of the world. And as for training pants... At 26 months...when you have a babe in arms...WTF!

Clearly she has a short memory for what mothering looks like...it's a shame, but you are sadly not alone.
( but I think you're great!)

Completely agree Ekskov - there is more than a hint of jealously coming from the Op's mother.

I remember being in the car with MIL, DH and DDs aged three and newborn. MIL announced 'I don't know what you young people have got to moan about, we just got on with it'!
I wanted to remind her that her eldest was six year when she had her newborn, but didn't.

I do believe that grandmothers forget - they do seem to forget how hard it is with babies, and how much care and attention toddlers need! Well, let's face it, the last time they had dependent children on their hands, they would have been school age, not toddlers.

My own MIL is very helpful to the point of interferingly annoying (I have had to ask her gently to back off before now) but, while her tolerance levels are good, her danger radar is severely lacking and DS1 could have drowned because of it.

In your case, OP, it's good that she's going home early from your point of view, but what would have been so much BETTER is if she had apologised and actually done something useful, like offer to make dinner for you tomorrow, maybe do some cleaning, or mind the baby while you have some mummy and toddler time. But no - she's decided that the best help she can manage is to leave you to it by yourself again (which, to be fair, is better than how she's been so far but still).

Oh and YANBU. The only unreasonable behaviour you have shown so far is to have allowed your mum to bully you into doing something that you knew wasn't going to work - but you won't do it again, will you, so lesson learnt. :)

realblueprint - don't know why you didn't just let her go, frankly. You should have. My mum threw a hissy fit at my 30th birthday party and I asked her to go home if she was having such a bad time; she did. I phoned MUCH later (like a couple of days) to sort it out.

I agree with Elskovs in this case too. I also think women were far more openly critical of each other back in the days when our mothers' generation were having their babies (Greggs and fruitshoot threads have nothing on comments I heard as a child about other women's washing hung out and visible to the whole road), and they were far more competitive about domestic and mothering skills. They keep this up when their daughters and daughters-in-law have babies.

I also have a mother who was as much use as the proverbial chocolate teapot someone else mentioned. She never wanted to go anywhere special but she hovered over me rather than taking any household initiative when she came, ostensibly to help. It was as if she saw her role as checking on my skills in keeping multiple balls in the air all at once rather than fitting into my home and being useful.

8 weeks is when you hit the tiredness wall at full tilt. I am amazed at all you managed and I do think asking your mum to leave would be a good idea, if you're up to it. Otherwise, rehearse the phrase 'That won't work for me / for us' and don't offer any explanations added on.

There's a chance she mentioned leaving in order to have you fall at her feet reassuring her that she is welcome to stay another fortnight and Christmas too, so don't be afraid to call her bluff.

OP. I think that you sound very tired and in need of a break. Is your DH/DP giving you enough support?

I am sure your mother means well but, as others have said, it's a long time since she had her babies.

Sadly, my DM died before my DC were born, but my MIL sounds much like your DM. Would you trust her to look after the DC whilst you have a sleep, go out for a coffee with friends, get you hair done etc. Just explain how tired you are and try to get her on side - explain to her what she can do to help you. It is a difficult time and you are doing your best and your best is more than good enough for your DC.

Good luck.