To not invite mum to come back

[roweeena]

Oh dear I have had a nightmare visit from my mum and I'm not sure I can handle any further visits. I have an 8 week old and a 26 month old who has just started having major tantrums. My mum has always been a bit difficult and I'm tired, emotional and probably a bit sensitive.

Today started badly mum didn't get up until 9am despite us all being up since 6am. Then instead of doing something simple and fun for toddler like playgroup or local museum (mum said this would be boring and we should go out for lunch instead) - lunch with a two year old, & I agreed!

We left the house 4hrs after I woke up, I made breakfast for everyone, got everything ready and slow cooker dinner in pot - I was exhausted by then! 30mins bus journey, long walk, get to cafe and toddler has a meltdown, mum announces she can't cope with it and demands we leave before food arrives so I had to carry screaming toddler out and man handle into pram.

Another 30mjns bus journey with very grumpy tired and hungry toddler, luckily 8 week old slept in the sling the whole time.

Over the last 48hrs I have been subjected to loads of judgey comments - DS should be in training pants, DS shouldn't need a pram now, we over indulged DS.

This afternoon she said we didn't give DS enough boundaries and that he was spoilt.

I'm tired, mum has come to stay and hasn't helped at all, in fact demanded trip out, I've made her breakfast lunch and dinner and when DS woke up from his his afternoon nap she went for a bath!!! I've put up with judgemental comments all day & I feel like a really really crap mum. Although mum has apologised For calling hom spoilt, she obviously has issues with the way i parent. i just don't think she really understands what it is like having a toddler and a 8 week old. I don't want to feel this shit so just thinking of taking a break from having her to stay for awhile or is this petty? Should I say something - AIBU?

Ps we have no family close by, no support. Mum usually lives 2hr train journey away

Sorry for all the typos

I just had to read your op twice as I thought it was maybe an old one I had written! I think the suggestions of discussing it when you are calmer are spot on. No matter how tough the generation above have had it they seem to just forget. I was especially disappointed in my 'dm' as she had nearly had a nervous breakdown when my sibling was born. You guessed it, no sympathy. She will happily lie in her bed until lunch time and then tell me she is tired as she didn't sleep well.

I now manage her if she visits. In the evening I tell her my plans for the next day. I tell her what is in the cupboards for lunch. I also ask her what night she fancies cooking for us. More often than not this leads to me heading out for the morning (around 9am) and her being left in the house.

I don't think they realise how soul destroying it is waiting for someone to get up. Then watching them have a leisurely breakfast and get ready.

I also get a lot of, ' I never thought you would be that kind of parent' 'you are soooo relaxed about things aren't you'. I just use my mumsnet phrases. This is what works for us. We just follow current guidelines, I wonder how much they will change again by the time dc are grown up etc'

She sounds unhelpful and unsympathetic, as well as very critical. Poor you. Accept she is like that and structure her visits accordingly, to last no longer than a couple of days and on teh basis that she fits in with you and the children rather than you and the children fitting in with her. So:

Then instead of doing something simple and fun for toddler like playgroup or local museum (mum said this would be boring and we should go out for lunch instead) - lunch with a two year old, & I agreed!

First mistake: lunch with a two year old is never relaxing. Next time, tell her your plan. She comes along or not, but she doesn't get to change the plan.

30mins bus journey, long walk, get to cafe and toddler has a meltdown, mum announces she can't cope with it and demands we leave before food arrives so I had to carry screaming toddler out and man handle into pram.

Second mistake: by then the kids needed to eat, yes? So next time, stay in the cafe. Tell her if she doesn't want to stay with you, she can make her own way home.

I don't want to sound as though I'm saying any of this is your fault, by the way. Just that if your mother is going to be a cow, you have to harden yourself to it a bit, let her get on with it and do your own thing.

We had a rule when my son was little, if the gp wanted to visit then they had to made dinner. At first it was said as a joke but we managed to drag it out for over 6 months. it was brilliant.

do you think you could give your mother jobs to do, like take your toddler out to the park? or even out for lunch but to leave you home to make dinner/have a cuddle and a nap with the little one?

What I fail to understand is why people think their mothers or mother in laws will come to "help" if they have always been as useful as choc.teapots!
Just don't invite them and get on with it by yourselves.Skype when all is like a baby magazine advert. and don't complain.

I had one of these mothers. I had a tantrummy DS with twins after 2 years.

My mistake was to believe that she would have some idea, having worked with young children and having had four of her own.

I also believed that when she said she was coming to help, that is what would happen.

With hindsight, if I had understood that these beliefs were mistaken, assessed the situation as it really was in front of me, then formed a strategy based on a pragmatic approach of what was realistically probable, things might have been better. However, I was probable too tired and busy to work this out at the time.

Before the children, my parents would go out for the day whilst I was at work, then sit and read the newspapers whilst I cooked them dinner in the evening, knackered, whilst trying to respond to their one sided conversation. They did this the week after our honeymoon. I really should have known better.

I never lived up to the standards of hospitality set by my (poor, endlessly polite) DSIL, which was cutting.

My mother became seriously ill, visited me for the first time in years, was kind, loving and appreciative, then was rushed into hospital and died.

Oh, what might have been.

I don't know how, but I missed that she left the cafe before your toddler had eaten. Obviously too worried about what people think.

There are details in what the OP has reported that would make me think twice about leaving her in charge of either one of the DCs, especially the toddler. I may be reading too much into it, but I sense some malice there towards this child in particular.

Looking at the cafe incident again, where this woman put her own whim ahead of everyone else's needs, which by that time included hunger, it strikes me that she is actually quite cruel.

Sit her down and just say "Mum, it's been lovely to see you but I am finding it very stressful to have a houseguest with 8week old and toddler. You are very welcome to stay until [planned return date] but days like today will not be repeated."

Don't on any account accuse her of being a useless waste of space who has made life difficult rather than easier.

Then:
Set the agenda for tomorrow yourself. State when you and kids are going out, leave her a set of keys if she wants to catch you up or potter out for a few hours by herself.
If she claims that she wants to "help", then bang on her door if she is not up by the time you and the kids have breakfasted, ask her to keep an eye on kids while she eats breakfast while you have a shower. Then remind her of original timetable and agree where she will catch you up. Exit and leave her to get her act together.

I had this with my parents visiting after DD1. With DD2 it was soooo much easier as I was much more assertive and made it clear that kiddies lunchtime was at 12pm and they could eat brunch then with us or get up earlier and not miss out the morning activities. In the end they alternated days to themselves with ones with us. Being around two small children, while doing nothing but making the occasional pot of tea seemed to exhaust them..............

Dont make her breakfast, leave everything on the counter to serve herself when she is ready. You get up, ready & off to play group or wherever, leave a note & your mobile no so if she wants to meet up later she can. Once she realises that your primary focus is your dc & nor her she may back off. Continue with your regular time table & be firm re meal times etc, for eg 5pm is when ds eats if that's too early for her she can serve herself.

To be fair, the older generation aren't used to having fun with kids as they were brought up differently. When I am with my dp, I make sure we have plenty of time apart as well as together because we will end up sniping otherwise. There is too much expectation on both sides hence the disappointment & tension.

My mum, OTOH, has always been kinder to me than she was to herself. Some older people haven't forgotten and are determined to be heplful and supportive

Please dont let your mum get to you - I bet you are doing a great job. Its hard with two little ones - I had only 18 months between mine with no family nearby. But i went to various local groups and began to build up a good network of other mums who understood what i was going through. If you can do this it will make a real diffference and help you to be more confident when dealing with your mum in future.

Hi OP, did your mum go home yesterday as she had suggested?

Bloody hell, there's some sweeping generalisations on this thread!

Yes roweeena I think you've had a terrible time and your mother has been worse than useless as she's made your life so much harder. You would definitely not be being unreasonable to keep quite a distance between you. And I would recommend (as others have) that if she comes again you lay down some very clear rules about what will and won't happen and that she needs to fit in with your family not the other way about.

But none of this is because she's 'toxic' or because 'the older generation aren't used to having fun with kids as they were brought up differently' or 'They're older and their empathy chip deteriorates, they have more time on their hands and become more self centred'

It's just her! As an individual. Just as you are all individuals. You don't like being lumped together as a behavioural group where: 'All single mums have multiple partners', 'All working mothers neglect their children' 'All b/f mothers think that f/f mothers are the spawn of the devil'. We all parent in our own ways, whatever the age of our children, and some of us get it wrong!. The difference between the OP's mother and some of the rest of us is that some of us try to do our best and would never dream of behaving like that. Others need to be told and some wouldn't care anyway. But each is individual, need to be treated as such, and firmly dealt with when they behave badly.

I agree Nanny. No need for labels.

roweeena's DM may not be toxic/abusive per se, but she isn't a good person to be around and certainly not unsupervised with the children if the manhandling and negativity towards the toddler is to be considered.

I do think this is WAY more than getting it wrong, the cafe incident is alarming. I agree on the telling her how this won't be repeated etc etc, give her a chance to shape up.

roweeena please don't expect any more of her than you have already experienced as a child. being a GM won't transform her into a lovely caring individual if she never was one in the first place.

I have a 28 month old (who btw still uses a buggy when we need it - they get tired!) and am expecting my second baby at Christmas.

I absolutely would not tolerate anyone staying in the house being such a nuisance - mother or not, that is no kind of support for you.

My mum will be flying in to help me out for a few weeks. She'll send me to bed, refuse to let anyone lift a finger while she's there and I'll be clinging onto her leg when she has to go back to the airport!

PIL need entertained, so they will not be staying, they'll have the odd visit and then go home. Despite the fact they are in a much more practical position to be supportive and offer help, they don't make life easier. If they were to stay longer the house would be a pit as they expect daily life in general to stop for them when they come over.

I'd be tempted to keep any future visits very short and sweet especially with the kids being so little and it all being hectic and stressful enough at the best of times.

The last thing you need is someone looking over your shoulder finding fault every few minutes!

Also - agree with Nannyogg (as usual!)

I also agree Nanny

None of this is about "her generation". It's about her

See my post above about my mum

My ILs certainly knew how to have fun with kids.

Parents didn't (professionals working with children)

I think that might be my fault in using the term generation. I just meant it loosely to mean our parents. After all even my dh's parents are 15 years older than mine. I do think it is easy to forget or minimise the tough times. One of the reasons is that many women seem to be programmed to forget the bad parts, natures way of encouraging us to have more?

Anyway, you are right nanny. It doesn't remove the fact that the individual can still act differently.