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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my children to be spoilt at Christmas?

48 replies

superbean · 25/11/2013 21:27

My twins are 3. They don't really know the value of anything yet, and this year for a number of reasons I'd really like to have a simple Christmas. My husband and I are well off, though we've worked for everything we have and I don't want to see my children spoilt just because they can be.
The issue is really other members of the family who I know will go completely over the top (even if they can't really afford to). Is there a way to politely deal with this or do I just accept that I can't control this and that everyone just goes mad on children at Christmas? Would be grateful for your experiences/thoughts.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 25/11/2013 21:29

Your children won't be 'spoilt' if family members buy them Christmas presents.

givemeaclue · 25/11/2013 21:31

Accept it. Don't stop people giving them things if it makes them happy to do so. Christmas may be gift overload but you can always rein it in the rest of the year. One day of being spoiled doesn't make for a spoilt child, it's almost better to get it all over at once iykwim.

Bowlersarm · 25/11/2013 21:32

I don't think you should say anything to your relatives. Its their christmas too It will stop the enjoyment they get out of choosing and shopping for your twins - assuming from your OP it's their choice to do this, and they could be wary of upsetting you if you're stipulating this that and the other.

There's no reason that you should spend more than a token amount on your dc if you dont want to, though.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 25/11/2013 21:33

Maybe set a present limit of no more than a tender per child, and if people want to group together to get a bigger thing they can? Would that go down badly? Or might people already have bought stuff?

You can always make it simple in other ways if the present simplicity is thwarted. Don't go mad on fancy food, decorate simply etc. And maybe ask the twins to put one of their existing toys away for every new toy, promising they will return later?

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 25/11/2013 21:33

Tenner, not tender, autocorrect fail

Backtobedlam · 25/11/2013 21:38

I get where you're coming from, I think it takes away from the spirit of Christmas when they have mountains of tat and are just ripping through it all. I'd far rather they had one or two thoughtful gifts, spent the money on a day out or time with the children. Unfortunately, no matter what you think or say, people tend to do what they want anyway (certainly in my experience) so you may have to just grin and bear it!

Bettercallsaul1 · 25/11/2013 21:45

I would just relax and enjoy it! There is a lot of pleasure in giving - especially to children, at Christmas - and it would be a shame to put a damper on your kind relatives' generosity! If you really feel there is too much stuff for your twins to appreciate on one day - or, if you feel they may be overwhelmed - just keep some presents back for later for next year. ( obviously not the presents of relatives who are going to be there on Christmas Day!)

From the "spoiling" point of view, I definitely think children can't become spoiled as a result of one traditionally indulgent day in the year. It's what goes on in the other 364 days that is important! I'm also going to stick my neck out here and say that I don't think children's personalities and character are much influenced by being given material things - as long as consideration and kindness to others is stressed to them continuously. It is quite possible for a child to have a room brimming with toys, because he is fortunate enough for his family to afford it, and still grow up kind, empathetic and altruistic.

usualsuspect · 25/11/2013 21:51

I agree. Having lots of material things doesn't mean someone is spoilt.

youbethemummylion · 25/11/2013 22:01

My kids get loads of stuff at Christmas they have many relatives who love to buy for them. However they are not spoilt we make sure they understand the value of things and appreciate what they have they understand people have had to go to work to buy those things for them and perhaps that has meant they couldnt afford something else that month. They are only 6 and 3 but understand if they have a treat i.e a McDonalds or trip to the cinema DH and I had to work to pay for it and now that money is gone so we have to make sure we have the money for food, petrol etc before we can have treats.

Having things does not equal spoilt its how you appreciate or dont appreciate those things that makes you spoilt and that is where the parents come in.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 25/11/2013 22:08

Tbh seeing the over excited little faces of 3 year old twins getting presents from adoring family members will probably be the highlight of the day for your relatives: simple happiness in giving and receiving. Being simple with food, decorating, booze, wrapping paper etc will be lovely but despite suggesting a cost limit earlier I now think you should just chill and look at the happiness on everyone's faces. The cost and quantity of the presents is beside the point really.

ssd · 25/11/2013 22:08

swap with me then. my mum and dad are dead and no one else in the family gives a shite about my kids and send them nothing. so swap with me.

daytoday · 25/11/2013 22:11

Being spoilt isn't about getting presents. It's about teaching your child the value of other things- like kindness, empathy, generously.

elskovs · 25/11/2013 22:16

Im trying to see why this could possibly be a bad thing... you say there are a number of reasons why you don't want them to be spoiled - what are those reasons?

Im have the opposite problem, my parents are dead and horrible MIL doesn't celebrate Christmas due to some half arsed commie ideals. Nobody has ever bought our children presents except us. Id quite like to moan about the piles of tat bought by gushing relatives.

MomentForLife · 25/11/2013 22:19

I see where you're coming from but I don't think they will be spoilt. If people really go over board then put some stuff away and get it out throughout the year.

zatyaballerina · 25/11/2013 23:02

Children love receiving presents and yours are lucky enough to have family who care enough to want to shower them with gifts, that's the whole fun of Christmas. They're not going to be spoilt by receiving lots of presents on one day a year.

They will absorb their values from what they see you doing, if you are greedy/unappreciative/cold/ungrateful/mean/bitter they will be, if you are kind/generous/grateful and take the time to teach them the importance of those qualities, that's what they will learn.

Dd gets a ridiculous amount of stuff because we come from very generous, enormous families and dp is obsessed with giving her everything he likes the look of. I have to get rid of piles of toys before every special occasion because they take over entire rooms of the house. I have started bringing dd around to choose what she wants to give to charity. She knows that many children aren't as lucky as she is and they have no or very few toys and she will be making them very happy by donating hers so she has fun picking out what she thinks they will like.

ZombieMonkeyButler · 25/11/2013 23:09

I agree with everyone who says that getting Christmas presents does not make you spoilt. As you yourself say, they know the financial value of nothing so are very unlikely to be bragging at Nursery about their new Thomas The Tank Engine etc. being better/bigger than anyone else's.

Whether they grow up to be spoilt depends on how you & your DH bring them up, not how much their extended family spend on their Christmas present.

SSD - me too.

NearTheWindmill · 25/11/2013 23:12

They can have a nice time. Let them have a nice time. Next year they can recycle some of their toys to a Christmas charity and you can help them keep them nice enough to do that.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 25/11/2013 23:19

I feel a bit the same way but for different reasons, the sheer mountains of stuff in our tiny house and the fact that some of it never gets used makes me feel like saying to the relatives please stop, but, as others have said, I really should just feel blessed that the DCs have people who want to give gifts to them. I also agree that it's the rest of the year that counts - DH and I are fond of buying them things, but we reign ourselves in and make sure they don't get things every time they ask and are taught to think about where the money comes from.

HesterShaw · 25/11/2013 23:19

YANBU. I cannot bear the excesses of Christmas. Children need to learn that loads of stuff doesn't mean love and joy.

Dawndonnaagain · 25/11/2013 23:27

I remember the year my Mother got a Laura Ashley dress and wrapped it up from us kids to herself, it was the year I got a pair of socks. Then there was the year I got uniform, the year I got plimsolls...

Spoil them, it is one day.

merrymouse · 25/11/2013 23:28

I do sympathise - some people can go over the top at Christmas - and it's miserable to feel that you are living through Christmas morning at the dursley's with everything being thrown aside because it is just too much.

However, at 3 while it will be a case of a load of paper and boxes with much being ignored, you can control your children's access to toys. Squirrel them away for a day when you are pulling your hair out in march or even next September.

missingmumxox · 25/11/2013 23:49

Enjoy the day, remember it is not just about spoiling, the people who buy will get so much pleasure from doing so. My parents had zero money when I was small, I had a Christmas at 6 where I got a lamp shade, and cassette recorder ... Found out years later my parents had only green sheild stamps and cigarette tokens donated by my Pop, to pay for Christmas I remember feeling so grown up :)
When I hit 13 my parents suddenly both had well paid jobs
And I had little cousins, every Christmas until my Mum died they took a trip to London and visited Hambleys, my Mum said it was the happiest time whilst they brought presents, they also had sadness that she also said hey would spend the whole day also saying "missing would have loved to have this when she was 2/3/4/ etc.
Keep you presents small up until last year when we spent an eye watering amount on your Dts I had never spent more than £25 each on them and they do not have family who buy for them.
It

oscarwilde · 26/11/2013 00:04

When I was a kid we were allowed to open stuff from Santa on Christmas am and then one gift from family in the evening. One a day after that. Christmas could go onto until the new year! My parents wanted us to remember who had given us what so we had a day to play with it before moving on. A bit of delayed gratification never hurts though our friends thought we were v weird.
Difficult to do if everyone is there to watch though.

SugarMouse1 · 27/11/2013 01:24

Maybe they are too young- but MAKE SURE they only receive any presents for good behaviour and doing household chores.

If it really is too much- just tell them they can keep 3 presents each and give the rest to charity

FixItUpChappie · 27/11/2013 02:52

Unclench! Some people are such Debbie-downers. I buy my kids gifts at Christmas because its FUN. It is okay to do over-the-top just for the bloody fun of it things sometimes.

As long as you are mindful parents who are raising your children with good values all year long...a bunch presents are unlikely to undo all your hard work.

And by the by, I would be hacked off if I took the time to select a gift for a child and their parent made them send it off to charity due to some arbitrary 3 gift rule Hmm