to not want my children to be spoilt at Christmas?

[superbean]

My twins are 3. They don't really know the value of anything yet, and this year for a number of reasons I'd really like to have a simple Christmas. My husband and I are well off, though we've worked for everything we have and I don't want to see my children spoilt just because they can be.
The issue is really other members of the family who I know will go completely over the top (even if they can't really afford to). Is there a way to politely deal with this or do I just accept that I can't control this and that everyone just goes mad on children at Christmas? Would be grateful for your experiences/thoughts.

I don't think the op meant the spoilt in the way its been taken.

I think she meant the type of spoilt that would be expressed by something like "oh im going to spoil you rotten" said with a smile as opposed to the spoilt that would be expressed as "your a spoilt cow" said with a scowl.

And I can understand where she's coming from having spent last Christmas with a small child constantly screaming and crying due to being bombarded with noisey flashy light up toys waved around in his face by noisey over bearing adults who wouldn't give him a moments peace and having to deal with the repercussions of that meaning no sleep for me or anybody else.

It would be nice if people didnt do it even if it is well meaning.

I agree I think it's more that Christmas can be spoiled by just too much. Some small children just get very bewildered by too many presents to open and too many people to please.

I also think it can be stressful knowing that other people are spending more than they should especially when you know it won't really be appreciated because it's just too much.

I think it's OK to say 'don't get too much' this year and explain it in terms of having too much to open on the day, that they will appreciate gifts more when they are older but of course if your relatives want to buy presents they will and then of course you should be appreciative. Otherwise all you can do is buy very little yourselves.

We're you serious, SugarMouse1? , if so you certainly know how to suck the joy out of a situation! When I give presents to nephews and nieces it has nothing whatever to do with good behaviour or the number of chores! I would also be a bit put out if the parents gave them straight to charity!
All OP can do is buy less themselves and perhaps suggest that others spend a bit less or steer them towards books or games. Other than that you can't do anything, parents can't control their child's whole environment- much as they might like to.

Sugarmouse, are you joking? Please say you were.

Christmas in our house got spaced out. There'd be one celebration with my stepchildren usually not on the 25th, Christmas day itself, a visit to my parents, a visit from my siblings. Often then presents were opened a few at a time when the giver was actually there - this stopped my small daughter from feeling overwhelmed.

I agree with most posters that you can keep other things simple, including your own present-giving, but that the joy relatives get from giving children presents is just one of the things that Xmas is about. You obviously have a certain attitude towards material things and that will be passed on to your children, regardless of getting a bit spoilt on one day. I completely understand where you are coming from though, and I struggle with it myself, particularly as I come from a poor background and am now very comfortable. However, I always remember a MASSIVE pile of presents around the tree, despite us not having much money, and even if my parents struggled to do this, it is actually a really lovely memory!

Arf at trying to get 3 yr old DS2 to do household chores to ensure he gets Xmas presents - I doesnt eve understand what is going to happen on Xmas day, and I'm concentrating on the basics at the moment - please and thanks you, not weeing in his pants, not waking mummy in the nightm etc, rather than getting the dusting done.

My mum told me that they used to let us open all the presents from family then 'disappear' some to the loft.

These presents would gradually make appearances throughout the year when we got bored of our toys or deserved a treat etc.

I'm going to do the same with my DD. This will be her second Christmas but the first she'll be aware of, therefore I know she's going to get spoilt rotten. Keeping some toys back will help us through the year.

Let others buy things for your children (or I fear that you will be like King Canute trying to stop the sea!!), but set up your own, simpler family traditions that are meaningful for you.

I don't remember very many of the presents I was bought as a child, but I DO remember sitting in the glow of fairylights on Christmas eve eating a mince pie in front of a warm fire, listening to carols and quivering with excitement!

Strugling is right, those simple memories are amazing compared to the present frenzy, ovwhelmingness then slight comedown after finishing opening them all, that happened to my kids when I over bought ( learnt my lesson though)

How are you going to write thank you letters if the present is in the loft? I would have thought that a huge part of making sure the child wasn't spoilt was to do a thank you, if not by letter by a phone call or email.

Surely your relatives can get some joy from giving your kids one present each and doesn't have to be piles of stuff? This is what I don't get about Christmas. It's not about kids getting presents, that's one small part of it. Ireally see what's wrong with saying to your relatives please only get them one thing each of you want to get them something aside from anything else where would you put it all! ? Too many people have fallen into the retailers trap of thinking more presents equals more love and happier kids. It actually doesn't.

"My mum told me that they used to let us open all the presents from family then 'disappear' some to the loft.

These presents would gradually make appearances throughout the year when we got bored of our toys or deserved a treat etc."

Agree with tinselkitty ^^ this is the way to go. Kids can get overwhelmed by stuff and not enjoy it.

OP: You could always counteract the pleasure of receiving presents by turning boxing day into a hell of obligatory and hated thank-you-letter writing like my folks did

My daughter is having the same difficulty as you, mostly with me (grin). however I have racked it in.

My daughter and her family will be at in-laws in another country for Christmas. She is stressed about coming back with gifts. I have compromised, I have bought an agreed gift as well as some clothes and books. I will also give money to pay for her next term of swim sessions. I know this will be appreciated.

I can't believe myself that i want to keep buying things as i usually have an enormous practical streak. My own children were only ever allowed to ask for one big gift they did get other things as well. On one occasion when grandparents inadvertently had bought bikes for my children that we had already planned to buy I couldn't justify buying another big gift so the money went towards a holiday instead.
I just get so much enjoyment from buying for my granddaughter I think about her all the time which is why I probably keep thinking oh she will like that. I do spend time with her and can't believe how much I love this little person.

Bit of a ramble sorry just a granma's point of view

I know what you mean OP. We feel the same in this house and thankfully our relatives don't go too silly with excessive present giving at Xmas. I don't get the weird obsession with there being "piles" of presents that seems to be an increasing aspect of Xmas.

Of course children like presents and of course there is pleasure in giving - how much pleasure is there really though in excess?

Our children get plenty and it would upset me and DH if they got loads of stuff (let's face it, stuff they do not need). It all seems a bit obscene and wrong. Xmas can be fun and special without so much material nonsense.

I live in France though where things are a bit less commercial than in the UK.

The op has said nothing at all about not wanting other people to buy them gifts all she has said is about not wanting them to go over the top.

I don't see what's wrong with grown ups who have been parents of young children themselves having an understanding about overwhelming or pointless situations and that a few carefully picked gifts are much better than piles of pointless crap brought just for the sake of it, its quite likely when there own child was small they felt the same way.

I agree with you to an extent. I wouldn't dictate to other people what they can buy as they get pleasure from it , and I don't think a child can be spoilt in a day, but I just have visions of my nieces when they were young surrounded by huuuuge piles of presents that they literally ripped open and threw down saying 'where's my next one?'. They barely looked at any of it and though you might get an absent minded thank you there was just too much stuff for them to really appreciate and enjoy any of it! It's a hard balance to strike though.

My DD is an only grandchild on both sides. We have various elderly relatives who love to buy for her.

I wouldn't be so unkind to tell them their gifts were unwelcome.

But then we've been extremely careful to bring DD to understand the value of things. For example her Christmas letter to Father Christmas only has one thing on - she isn't a grasping child at all.

I have said this a few times.

I really really do not believe vast amounts of presents equals spoilt. You could have one present and still be a spoil.t brat or get trucks loads and still be grateful and appreciative.

I don't think lots of presents at Xmas automatically means a child is spoilt, or not in the "spoilt brat" sense of the word anyway.

I think it teaches them expectations about what they are entitled to however.

I just don't get the point of Xmas excess. If it isn't what makes the day then why do it? If it is what makes the day then there is a problem.

It just seems so blardy western and consumerist. It's not right - especially as we all know that much of what we consume is being made by poor kids in exploited economies. How much do our (supposedly not spoilt) western kids need?

I have also received a letter to Santa with only one item. Unfortunately it was "a dinosaur all of my own not for my sister"

I also agree a child receiving lots for Christmas doesn't make them spoilt. My DH and I buy our DC quite a bit at Christmas and throughout the year. They are lovely teenagers and young men. Thoughtful, honest, extremely hard working, happy, generous. I couldn't ask for more.

Christmas and my dds birthday are the only two times of year where i go overboard. My dd doesnt get much throughout the year so i like to make them special days and also buy lots of presents.

My dd doesnt expect and feel entitled and isnt spoilt. I think this is because she doesnt get everytime she asks.

If they get too many toys just put the ones they are not playing with away. Then rotate them throughout the year. That way it is always like having new toys.

If there any they don't play with, give them away to charity.