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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Filled with guilt - I could be a SAHM and choose not to be

37 replies

BigRedDragon · 25/11/2013 20:41

I have always had a high flying career, I've been really lucky to have some amazing opportunities and amazing jobs. I am very passionate about what I do. My primary area of work is in charitable services to support vulnerable children and their families.
Last year, with ds1 almost 2 years, after a series of miscarriages trying for dc2, I decided to apply for a scholarship to do a PhD in my subject area, something that has been a long, long time ambition. In went the application and I immediately fell pregnant with ds2. I followed the application process whilst pregnant and was awarded a generous full scholarship and am employed to teach in my subject area. I had ds2 and DH and I planned how we would balance all our commitments between us. Then in summer our lives changed dramatically, due to changes in wider family circumstances we moved into a family owned property and took over the family farm with our Bil and Sil. We now don't have a mortgage to pay etc, we live self sufficiently off the farm, we have very little outgoings. Though we couldn't afford me not to work at all, I don't need to earn as much as I did to make ends meet.
DH works constantly, whereas before he was about a lot more and we managed childcare between us. DH is extremely supportive of my studying.
I love studying, I love the learning process and love doing my PhD. I am full time and have 2 days a week at university and study 3 hours each evening (6 evenings a week) after the children have gone to bed. I am very strict with my time (apart from writing this tonight!) and seem to be keeping up well, if not ahead of a lot of my peers. My now 2.5 yr old goes into childcare 2 days a week, as will ds2 (now 5mths) after Christmas. DH helps where he can but is very busy on farm.
I just feel consumed with guilt, I feel that everything has change from when I first applied for this and as I have the opportunity not to have to work like this I shouldn't be doing it to myself or the children. If we weren't paying for childcare I could probably earn enough from a couple of evenings a week of consultancy work and have the children with me 100% of the time. I don't have the option to go part time or defer. On the other hand I feel this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and actually having other focuses makes me more aware of my time with my children and I go to extra lengths to ensure positive time with them. We do loads of activities and I love being with them, but essentially I could be a SAHM and due to my own reasons (much of them about me and what I want to do) I choose not to be.
I am prepared for an onslaught as I know many would love to be in this position, but I do want to know what others think? Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

realblueprint · 25/11/2013 20:44

Bloody hell, I'm a SAHM and think you have the perfect set up!

Your excellent time management skills and dedication mean that you can do something you love and your DC STILL have you for 5 full days a week. Just enjoy it!

Calabria · 25/11/2013 20:45

"essentially I could be a SAHM and due to my own reasons (much of them about me and what I want to do) I choose not to be."

Rewritten for me -

essentially I could go out to work and due to my own reasons (much of them about me and what I want to do) I choose not to.

Life is too short.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 25/11/2013 20:47

Yanbu. Take that guilt and throw it away !

ArbitraryUsername · 25/11/2013 20:49

Does you DH feel guilty about not bring a SAHD? Thought not.

You're being no more selfish than he is. In fact, you are modelling the importance of education to your children.

Worriedkat · 25/11/2013 20:49

Who knows whether circumstances will change again, and you'll need the income from a job achieved as a result of all your study. I can't see a problem, it sounds as if the child care would be part time anyway and there are no supermother medals for being superglued to your children 24/7.

I do the same as I don't want to lose my employability.

Finola1step · 25/11/2013 20:51

No onslaught from me. Just because the wider family situation changed, that does not mean that your plans have to change too. What a great life you are giving your children. Growing up on a farm around family members with a mum who feels fulfilled as a mother and as a professional. Take a moment to look around you. If you and your family are happy, DO NOT CHANGE A THING!

We all have wobbles about what we do no matter if we are at home full time or work outside of the home for whatever period if time. It is a wobble

I am rather envious of you pursuing your PHD. I'm just beginning to think about applying to do a Masters and even the thought of it is making the old grey matter tick over with excitement. Good luck to you.

LittleBairn · 25/11/2013 20:51

Does it matter if its selfish or not, you made made your choice.
Are your children happy? If they are you can the doing too much wrong.

Original poster

BigRedDragon · 25/11/2013 20:52

That is part of it worriedkat , to me if we lost everything in this venture, I will always have a career for us to fall back on. Equally if DH decides he no longer wants to farm, we can also walk away on the back of my career.
Doesn't make me feel less guilty, but there are some in DH's family who I feel I must justify myself too, and that makes me question myself constantly.

OP posts:

LittleBairn · 25/11/2013 20:53

You CAN'T

OTheHugeManatee · 25/11/2013 20:55

Thing about it like this: if you gave it all up to be a SAHM and then found you weren't suited to it and were miserable, you'd end up resenting your DC. They would be able to tell. Perhaps not consciously, but they'd sense it. And that wouldn't benefit anyone.

By eschewing the martyr route and recognising that your own needs and desires have value along with those of your family you're modelling being a happy, well-adjusted adult and that will be of immeasurable benefit to them.

Original poster

BigRedDragon · 25/11/2013 20:56

Yes I do believe I have very happy, very loved children who are secure, confident and enjoy life to the full. My DS1 absolutely loves his child-minder and she is also taking DS2. She is home from home for hm.

OP posts:

Anydrinkwilldo · 25/11/2013 21:01

YANBU, I would be a disaster as an SAHM. We've already discussed that if we were in the situation where one parent can stay at home, it would be DH. Some people are able some aren't. Life is too short for that guilt enjoy your time with your DC

HearMyRoar · 25/11/2013 21:01

You are a person not just a mother and you have a right to live a life you enjoy if you are lucky enough to be able to. If you want to study and work then go for it. You have no reason to feel guilty for this. As someone up thread has said, does your dh feel guilty for not being at home all day? The kids still see you loads and are presumably happy and fed.

I work, we could afford for me to work less, we could certainly afford for dp to stop working as he earns less then me. However, we both like our work and have no desire at all to stay at home all day with dd. I refuse to feel guilty for wanting to have a life and interests of my own.

Tryandguessthisonethen · 25/11/2013 21:01

There is nothing to feel guilty about. If I was a SAHM, my children would have a parent that wasn't happy or fulfilled. My work helps make me the person I am and I love telling them about my work and how it affects others.

That is nothing against SAHM's, I admire them, but it is not for me.

Please don't feel guilty.

BenNJerry · 25/11/2013 21:02

You are not being selfish! I went back to work recently after maternity leave. DS is 6 months. First comment from one of our regular customers was "What are you doing here?" Erm... working? As if I was doing something terrible.

I work part time 3 days a week and 1 day at the weekend. I'm also studying at home in the evenings. I love DS, he is my whole world, but I don't want to give up all that I am working hard for. I don't want to rely on my partner's money or money from the government. That is my personal choice. And I feel the same OP, I appreciate the days I spend with DS a lot more, whereas when I was on maternity I used to struggle to think of things to do every day. DS is with the childminder 3 days a week and he always has fun things to do. The day I work at the weekend he has a full day just him and daddy. The other 3 days I am there with him.

Being a SAHM is fine if that's what you want to do. I am just not cut out for it. I think if I were at home constantly, feeling grumpy, it would have a negative effect on DS anyway. The set up works great for us. Don't feel guilty at all - essentially you have to do what is right for you.

Mumsyblouse · 25/11/2013 21:14

No onslaught here either, I did my PhD with two littlies around and it was a good career move as well as personally fulfilling (and tiring and frustrating and so on!)

You have a great opportunity, are doing well at it, just lose the guilt There's nothing to feel guilty for- your children are happy, new set up working well and you have a flexible studying opportunity which is paid for. What is not to like?

lighthousesea · 25/11/2013 21:21

My mother had to study when I was young. This was so that she could start up her career again following being a sahm and loosing her skills.

It never bothered me or my sister. In fact she has always been such an inspiration to us. You are a wonderful role model for your children (especially if you have daughters).

Be proud op!

ThenSheSaid · 25/11/2013 21:32

Please don't feel guilty . I think the set sounds fine. I bet you are a brilliant Mum.

Guilt is so pointless. You really mustn't get into the trap of trying to justify what you are doing. Do what you think is best for your WHOLE family, including yourself and don't worry.

..and I am a SAHM.( so no agenda from me)

parakeet · 25/11/2013 21:32

What is this, the 1950s? Your children are only in childcare two days a week! What's to feel guilty about?

I am a part-timer myself and feel precisely zero guilt about it. We have it all, just like the cliche. The only thing to feel guilty about is our amazing good fortune.

Gintastic · 25/11/2013 21:37

My goodness that sounds like an amazing setup. Good for you, your family sounds wonderful. Enjoy!

KrabbyPatty · 25/11/2013 21:46

I agree it sounds wonderful. As you said, your children are happy and loved, secure and confident.

I started off as a SAHM, lasted 9 months before I was begging to go back to work. I only did 2 days per week but it kept me sane.

Joysmum · 25/11/2013 21:50

You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

As a SAHM my dd was less used to relying on other adults, fitting in with a routine, socialising with other children, doing messy art and other organised activities.

So yes, I was there but I'm not perfect, I made mistakes and what she gained by having me she lost in ither ways that other people could give.

Don't stress x

Doingakatereddy · 25/11/2013 21:55

I'm at SAHM and I think your set up sounds wonderful.

My advice is simply that whatever women do, we often feel guilty. However, as long as that guilt is smaller than the contentment / happiness of what else you are doing - go for it.

As for me, been stuck at gone with two kids is making me crazy. I can't wait to go back to work!

Jinsei · 25/11/2013 22:36

No, OP, you must not feel guilty. My wonderful mum was a SAHP, and it made her utterly miserable. She valued the opportunity to spend time with us, but she always felt that she had wasted her talents and thrown away a promising career that she loved. That was ok when we were younger, but as we grew up and became more independent, she became more and more depressed. The guilt I felt as a teenager was indescribable.

You can be a great mum and fulfill your own ambitions. Your kids will be happier if you are happy too!

samandi · 26/11/2013 14:05

I'm confused, you only go into university (and kids to childcare) two days a week? So you are looking after the kids five days a week, or does someone else look after them too during this time? If not then surely you are half a SAHM. Sounds a pretty good set-up to me - not really sure what the problem is!

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