Filled with guilt - I could be a SAHM and choose not to be

[BigRedDragon]

I have always had a high flying career, I've been really lucky to have some amazing opportunities and amazing jobs. I am very passionate about what I do. My primary area of work is in charitable services to support vulnerable children and their families.
Last year, with ds1 almost 2 years, after a series of miscarriages trying for dc2, I decided to apply for a scholarship to do a PhD in my subject area, something that has been a long, long time ambition. In went the application and I immediately fell pregnant with ds2. I followed the application process whilst pregnant and was awarded a generous full scholarship and am employed to teach in my subject area. I had ds2 and DH and I planned how we would balance all our commitments between us. Then in summer our lives changed dramatically, due to changes in wider family circumstances we moved into a family owned property and took over the family farm with our Bil and Sil. We now don't have a mortgage to pay etc, we live self sufficiently off the farm, we have very little outgoings. Though we couldn't afford me not to work at all, I don't need to earn as much as I did to make ends meet.
DH works constantly, whereas before he was about a lot more and we managed childcare between us. DH is extremely supportive of my studying.
I love studying, I love the learning process and love doing my PhD. I am full time and have 2 days a week at university and study 3 hours each evening (6 evenings a week) after the children have gone to bed. I am very strict with my time (apart from writing this tonight!) and seem to be keeping up well, if not ahead of a lot of my peers. My now 2.5 yr old goes into childcare 2 days a week, as will ds2 (now 5mths) after Christmas. DH helps where he can but is very busy on farm.
I just feel consumed with guilt, I feel that everything has change from when I first applied for this and as I have the opportunity not to have to work like this I shouldn't be doing it to myself or the children. If we weren't paying for childcare I could probably earn enough from a couple of evenings a week of consultancy work and have the children with me 100% of the time. I don't have the option to go part time or defer. On the other hand I feel this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and actually having other focuses makes me more aware of my time with my children and I go to extra lengths to ensure positive time with them. We do loads of activities and I love being with them, but essentially I could be a SAHM and due to my own reasons (much of them about me and what I want to do) I choose not to be.
I am prepared for an onslaught as I know many would love to be in this position, but I do want to know what others think? Am I being selfish?

Nothing to feel guilty about at all!

is a once in a lifetime opportunity

tehre you are.
go for it.
and bear in mind its when the kids are older that you will hopefully be able to switch to flexible consultancy with this under your belt - that is when they need you.

the adults who say they remember their mum working all hours bla bl bla - that is memories from five six seven - not as babies or age two...so long as you have good childcare it reallyisnt an issue.

you wil find the much more demanding of your time and the balance needed when they older, sy from age seven or eight. dot his now and you setting yourself up for flexible working in few years time and earning good money too

Your situation sounds perfect to me. IMO the only situation which isn't great is when children are in childcare from 8am - 5pm (or later, which DS was for a time) 5 days a week. And that is only because I think it is incredibly tiring for them - with the right setting you can limit the effects of this.

Part time work is fantastic for me, makes me a better parent when I am around my DC and generally has a positive effect on everything.

Seriously, you are absolutely doing perfectly fine. And in fact you're giving them a fantastic role model - that your dreams and needs are important too. It's really unhealthy to always do everything that you think is the best outcome for your children at the expense of your own self.

I'm probably going to sound like the author which I'm not but I'm reading a really interesting book at the moment called "When your kids push your buttons" which talks about the "guilt button" which is where we feel guilty because we put a ridiculous standard on ourselves which is totally OTT and not achievable. It's really good - you might like it :)

Your dcs wouldn't thank you for martyring yourself for them - honestly, that's miserable for everyone.

Part way through a fully funded PhD which you love? Don't give that up woman you would regret it forever!

Happy Mum = Happy kids.

I am regularly consumed with guilt because I didn't work harder to stay working...I am a terrible SAHM. I really not cut out for it at all, I am regularly a miserable cow. It will be a long route back to work. Keep on doing what makes you happy OP it sounds like you have a good balance.

No YANBU at all! I'm a SAHM and it's hard, it can be boring and isolating. I know I'm lucky and it's only for a relatively short time but already I'm scanning the job section and wanting to get back to work as soon as DD starts school. Do the job you love and don't in any way feel guilty.

DO you think your line of work and study is making you a bit more sensitive to your boys If that makes sense working with and for vulnerable children sometimes make you want to draw your own closer you have nothing to feel guilty about 2 days a week is not harming your children you are not just a mother,

Get a grip. Stop wringing your hands about sounds like a pretty ideal set-up and thank your lucky stars you have the life you do, one that a lot would be envious of.

mrsjay yes I do think that has a big impact, my area of specialism is children's emotional wellbeing and obviously attachment theory, parenting etc a huge part of that.
noble thats actually pretty sound advice, feeling far less down about it today, and can see how very lucky I am.

Thanks all for advice and thoughts.