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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Location Rotation - Inlaws vs Parents

50 replies

IncognitoBurrito · 25/11/2013 19:25

I am going to sound like a total bitch here, but would like an outside opinion.

DH and I have 1 DS aged almost 1. DH's parents are divorced, Dad remarried and lives 5 hours away, Mum single and lives near us. My parents are still together.

Last Christmas we were at my parents as I had recently given birth, my Mum was helping me with DS, it was lovely.

This Christmas we're doing the 5 hour mission to his Dad's.

Background (not neccesarily relevant)- my parents are entranced by DS, his parents are fond, but not too interested - both of them. Also DH Mum will not stop telling you about her neighbours even to draw breath, plus her house is v uncomfortable - only dining chairs, no sofa and she won't put the heating on or flush the loo, so whenever you go you're always freezing, bored and then greeted by something swimming in the bowl Confused

AIBU to want next Christmas at my parents every other year and not to do a three way rotation? So Christmas 2014 my parents, 2015 with his Mum, 2016 my parents, 2017 his Dad, and so on. It seems a bit unfair that because DH's parents split up, my parents miss out on Christmases when DD is small. I feel bad for thinking it, as I know it's not kind to his Mum (or Dad, but his Dad is not alone), but there it is.

Also AIBU to be doing an AIBU about Christmas 2014? Grin

OP posts:
Sleepyhead33 · 25/11/2013 19:30

Could you say you are doing it at yours but all are welcome hoping only your mum agrees to come. That way the open invitation is there to all but you don't have to do the long journeys with a little one.

What does your DH think?

sunbathe · 25/11/2013 19:32

Why don't you stay home? You could invite everyone to visit.

Once we had kids, we decided to stay at home. Much nicer for the kids, playing at home with their new toys, than sitting in the back of a car for hours trolling up and down motorways. IMO, anyway.

Mouthfulofquiz · 25/11/2013 19:32

I think that sounds very sensible! Your only other alternative is to have some Christmases at your own house if you want to be more comfortable.

BohemianGirl · 25/11/2013 19:32

We had a three way rotation which worked very well until parents started dying Sad

Us = Xmas. PIL = Boxing day, M&D = NYD
Move one the following year : M&D = Xmas, Us = Boxing Day, PIL = NYD
and move one again

the only way you can do this really is if all your parents and extended family get on and live reasonably closely. Fortunately ours did. I have no idea how it would have worked if we our siblings had got married and we had to accommodate their new families

SecretRed · 25/11/2013 19:35

Agree with sleepyhead, I'd offer to host everyone (and hope they don't accept).
I do this and my parents tend to come and mil comes some years and goes elsewhere others, she pleases herself really. It's hard work but everyone mucks in.

NorthernLurker · 25/11/2013 19:37

I think a three way rotation is fair but also bloody hard work! That way madness lies. Ok this year is set. Next year stay at home and welcome any comers. It sounds like his mum will come to you perhaps and his dad will stay at home knowing he's had a shot at grandchild's Christmas. Your mum and dad can come or go as they please. You need to protect yourself a bit.
We did Christmas AND New Year at one or the other parents for years. 100 miles south to mine, 200 miles north to dh's....finally one year it snowed and took us 9 hours to get to dh's parents for New Year. That finished it, we'd spent our whole Christmas on the A1! Now we mostly go to one or the other but for Christmas only. Anybody wants to see us the rest of the time then they come to us - which they do and we all have a nice time.

superzero · 25/11/2013 19:40

Can't you do stay at home every 3 years but invite parents and MIL,travel to your parents the next year,then travel to FIL every 3rd year?That way your parents get to spend 2 out of 3 with you and it sounds fairer to say you are splitting the Christmas away between both you family and DHs.
I realise MIL might miss out because you never spend it at her house but as she is so close you are saving her the effort of hosting by inviting her to yours?

dustwhatdust · 25/11/2013 19:40

Why don't you ask your mum to invite your MIL ?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 25/11/2013 19:42

YAbu to "count" your DPs as one venue and his as one venue IYSWIM.

But I avoid visiting at Christmas. I loathe it.
Stubbornly staying at home, especially with DCs. Have ppl to you.
Imvho.

Hissy · 25/11/2013 19:44

Now you have a child of your own, why not have christmas at yours?

Why would you want to be uncomfortable?

LucilleBluth · 25/11/2013 19:46

YABU.

Hawkmoth · 25/11/2013 19:48

Why doesn't she flush the toilet?

FredFredGeorge · 25/11/2013 19:49

Make up some stuff to your dad about your mum and the milk man, they'll split up and you'll have a perfectly reasonable split.

Nothing is "fair" with the situation, you need to decide what you want to do - personally I'd say you'd be mad to commit to anything 3years ahead, who knows what the situations will be nearer the time.

Ragwort · 25/11/2013 19:49

You are the adults now, stay at home and invite who you want (guess it might be difficult to have PIL and MIL Grin).

Stand firm, otherwise you will be 'expected' to do Christmas a certain way for ever.

Saltysnack · 25/11/2013 19:55

Bless you...but YABU to be even considering going to anyone's house other than your own if those are the alternatives :-)

Are your parents far away? Can they not come to you ...alternate between having them all as guests if you must, but you now have a young child and so the older generation, who have fewer calls on their time, should be doing the travelling.

It seems to be a default thing that the baby boomer generation get to be the hosts and not travel. My PILs have left their own house once in ten years...they have now moved in with SIL to a large house so none of them will ever be leaving that on Christmas day. We are going this year but not for a while after that. (ie ever!)

Norem · 25/11/2013 19:57

stay at home and host whoever wants to come, good luck :)

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 25/11/2013 19:59

why cant MIl come to yours at xmas, have I missed something isn't she close to you? If she is single why cant she be included in your xmas with your parents. so its not just her...

why has she only got dining chairs?

NotAnotherNewNappy · 25/11/2013 20:32

YABU not to stay at home and make them come to you. Xmas with little ones are precious, don't waste them in other people's uncomfortable homes (do that on NYE or Easter instead!). Pretty soon your DS will want to stay at home and play with all his presents on Xmas morning, so don't start a precedent for rotating now.

friday16 · 25/11/2013 20:32

Stay at home. Anyone who wishes to join you is welcome to. When you have a child, the focus is your own family.

This crap about "rotation" and "fairness" is just that: crap. If your mother in law's is deliberately inhospitable (why on earth doesn't she flush the lavatory?), don't go there. Extend an invitation, leave it at that.

TeenAndTween · 25/11/2013 20:35

another suggestion for stay at home and invite people to visit you

tumbletumble · 25/11/2013 20:47

I think YANBU if DH agrees. But also agree with everyone else that now I have DC of my own, I prefer to host rather than travel, so don't forget to think about that when you plan the rotation.

Original poster
IncognitoBurrito · 25/11/2013 20:53

Sorry about late response, protracted rocking baby to sleep (that's another thread!)

Hummm, you make a good point about us having Christmas at ours. I may broach that with DH for years to come.

MIL only has dining chairs and doesn't flush the loo because of Extreme Economy. She waters her plants with toothbrushing water, only flushes every third go, has not a stick of comfy furniture, and didn't even put the heating on when we went round with DS when he was 3 weeks old in late December. I have to take chocolate bars round because I'm always starving after the meagre lunches. She used to be hard up as a single mum, but not so much now.

Fair point about it not being 'fair'- that is a bit juvenile of me.

My parents are having MIL round this year while we're at FIL's so she won't be alone.

Yes, I think Christmas with MIL will have to be at ours. I genuinely hadn't thought of that! Thanks so much for advice!

OP posts:
mumbaisapphire · 26/11/2013 02:09

You could invite your parents every year to yours and then alternate between inviting either MIL or FIL to join you. Or are you saying that MIL will be alone if your parents don't host her on their 'off' year - hope you get what I'm trying to say! Does she really have no one else? Either way it sounds preferable to you having to do a 3-way split and your parents win every time and you don't have to endure MIL frugal hospitality.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/11/2013 02:36

I know it's not your problem, and you rightly want your dc to have a comfortable Christmas, and goodness knows it seems ridiculous not to flush the loo. but I feel really sorry for your mil.
I hope I am never so poor that my family won't visit me in favour of the better off relatives Sad

MiniMonty · 26/11/2013 03:00

  1. Only the Russians go in for five year plans - you are not Russia, you are a new Mum. Chill out, guilt should not be on your horizon and you need to knock this idea into DH double fast.

  2. No real issue here over Christmas - have christmas where you and your very young child feel great, safe and relaxed. DH and all other confusing or confused family members will just have to go along with it.
    Do the politics later when kids are older (all these people who want a claim on you or each other aren't suddenly moving to Alaska) - for now, just put your foot down and say "I'm doing this and this is this".

A one year old and his/her mother shouldn't be schlepping around the country for Christmas and the one liner "A child's first Christmas should be at home" can't really be argued with except by the very, very selfish...

Do Christmas this year the way that's right for you and yours, deal with family politics in years to come. The idea of going off to spend days or weeks "away" from home with a baby is nonsensical to me - and should be to all these old folks who are parents !!