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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Depressed and lonely

40 replies

mich11 · 25/11/2013 14:09

I am a single stay at home mum to a 18 month old. I am so lonely, bored and depressed. All I ever seem to do is clean. I don't have a supportive family so can never get babysitters. I have no friends. I have tried all the baby groups but no one speaks to me and I am very shy with no confidence. So I still feel alone when I go to them. Baby goes to sleep at 8 so I just spend the night alone watching rubbish on tv. I used to love my weekends but now I dread them. I have nothing to look forward to. I need mental stimulation. I would love to have some friends but people don't seem to like me. Surely there is more to life. I am sinking further and further into depression. I dread waking up in the mornings. Would be glad of any advice xxx

OP posts:
iloveny001 · 25/11/2013 14:12

Are there any local mother and baby groups you can go to? Local libraries often have baby story times?

I'm sure that you are likeable but as you are feeling down at the moment you don't believe that.

Maybe go to your drs to discuss how you are feeling?

Really hope it gets better for you.

WithRedWine · 25/11/2013 14:18

Poor you. Must be really demoralising for you. Firstly, please don't go through this alone - speak to your gp & get some counselling. Also speak to your health visitor - they can be really good at puttinh you in touch with the right people.

Don't assume people don't like you if they don't speak to you - they may be feeling crap too. Try to make eye contact & smile anyway.

SoleSorceress · 25/11/2013 14:32

Hi

I have sent you a PM :) x

weaselish · 25/11/2013 14:36

Why don't you try and get a part time job? You may end up not making much money at all after you pay for childcare but just having something that takes you out of the house and as you say, gives you some mental stimulation, may help? You'll also be able to meet people and get some adult interaction.

Abrahamlincolnsghost · 25/11/2013 14:40

Could you talk to your health visitor. If there is a sure start scheme in your area you may be eligible for that.

Also sometimes organised classes like baby swim or jojingles are better than drop in type thing for meeting people.

I know how you feel with eldest Dd I went forced myself to be nice, chatty, make the tea etc and came home and cried. I still forced myself back out the next week. I eventually made really good friens.

Also look into your local leisure centre they may have have classes with a crèche that would you allow you to do something just for you to boost your self esteem.

Timetoask · 25/11/2013 14:47

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is very tough feeling lonely.
I am not a social butterfly, but I really force myself to talk to other people and little by little I have managed to make a couple of friends.
Because of your shyness you are probably not approaching people and you are expecting them to call/contact you. If you don't make the effort other people won't.

In your situation, I would strongly recommend to find a part time job. Your baby is already 18 months old, he/she will really enjoy playing with other children at nursery for a few hours and you will really enjoy mixing with other people and feeling productive.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 25/11/2013 14:48

Have you spoke to your hv?

Have you looked fb at local mums pages? There are always mums on there wanting to meet new people. I should know as I was one of them! All you have to do is ask if anyone with a toddler wants to meet up, go for coffee or recommendations for play groups. People will say yes.

1980schick · 25/11/2013 15:22

Hi, just wanted to add as others have said even if you dont get a part time job would you think about volunteering, if your on benefits it wont affect them, but you would need to look into childcare obviously, pm if you need any help with that. Try and look round a few charity shops and see if there are any with people volunteering with people around your own age, I was in the same boat a few years ago and to be honest i only did 1 day a week but i loved it, I would realy look forward to that 1 day, I left 2 years ago but i still see my friends from that shop, im early 30's but most of the girls were 50's and really welcomed me. Im sure you would love it too once you got to know the people there.

Seriously though maybe a trip to your drs would also help, Ive been there, you writing that message is the first step to making things better, you recognise there is an issue and your asking for help in fixing it, be proud of that! Not a lot of people can see it so clearly and get really messed up in there feelings.

Original poster
mich11 · 25/11/2013 20:47

Thank you so much every one. I feel so much better just getting it off my chest. I think doing some vol work sounds a good idea.Hopefully will get my confidence back. Never been this low in my life! The doctor has been no help at all x

OP posts:
Slutbucket · 25/11/2013 20:56

Try a different doctor and speak to your health visitor. Take care! X

paxtecum · 25/11/2013 21:09

Chick: I remember going to my local mother & baby group, 30+ years ago.
I was very shy, I didn't know anyone and not one bloody person came to talk to me.
I found a different group and they were much nicer and made an effort to talk and include me. I went there for three years.

I have always thought that these groups should have a 'welcoming Committee', ie they should nominate a couple of persons to talk to someone new.
It's quite rude of them to leave you sitting in a corner.

Sorry, my little rant isn't very helpful, except you'll realise lots of us have been in your situation.

I think the volunteer idea is good and a chat to your HV.

Can you do anything crafty in the evenings (though that costs money) or read?

Best wishes to you. I hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
mich11 · 25/11/2013 21:10

Not sure if I trust telling the health visitor that I am depressed. My baby is my world. Just need to get these dark depressive feelings away. I want to live life to the full but my feelings are always stopping it from happening x

OP posts:
FutTheShuckUp · 25/11/2013 21:15

Please don't be afraid of telling your HV. Your child won't be taken away from you if that's what is worrying you they will just try to get you the support you need. We are years past health professionals thinking depression means parents being a risk to their child.

Theenormouscrocodile · 25/11/2013 21:15

Where are you OP? I wouldn't mind a wee bit of company too.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 25/11/2013 21:20

Do not be afraid to talk to the HV about depression. Many are very clued up about PND as well as depression.

he/she is there to help and support you.

Are you afraid that the HV will report you to social services and your baby will be taken from you ( i only ask because that was my fear 7 years ago when going through PND)

skanking · 25/11/2013 21:33

I know exactly how you feel, I'm the same, but with two dd , Mine are past mother and baby group, but I went and couldn't form relationships with other mums. Husband works away and is never home, I have no friends and no supportive family ,No babysitters. It's even harder now that the kids are in school, I find it impossible to mingle with other Mums, and other Mums never approach me..at parties I want to curl up in a ball, I hate the school run, Mums seem to huddle in groups...

I found going to the gym uplifting, but I go when dds are in school..Maybe taking up a hobby ? Camping? sewing? I keep myself busy chatting to camping addicts/ sewing and photography nuts on forums and go on meets, I've taken my little uns along with me, its nice to have something different to talk about, and not about babies sometimes.. I wouldn't be worried about mentioning this to your HV, mine was brilliant and SO understanding, she montioned Homestart to me, you could look into that maybe, I wish I had.. x

IdreamofFairies · 25/11/2013 21:45

Ask your hv is there are any family centres in your area they are similar to mother and toddlers but many of them will run classes at least one afternoon/morning a week.
they will do a creche so a little time to your self, but the biggest benefit will be doing the class as it will help as an ice breaker and get conversation going.

good luck i hope you find something you enjoy soon.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 25/11/2013 21:52

Whereabouts are you OP? I hear what you're saying about mother and baby groups, I've been to a couple that were horrendous, but I found one I really like and now I go every week.

Original poster
mich11 · 25/11/2013 22:37

I am in the north west. Do you think I could still have PND even though lo is 18 months. I think I will drag myself to the groups and just try to grin and bear it. Thanks everyone for your support x

OP posts:
Original poster
mich11 · 25/11/2013 22:39

Haha yesi am dreading the school run. Mums are so clicky. Will check out that home start x

OP posts:
paxtecum · 26/11/2013 06:35

Mich: Hope you feel a bit better this morning.

I know I bang on about this a lot on here, but can you afford to buy some multivitamins and minerals for yourself?
Holland & Barrett have affordable ones.
If you are not on a budget a brand like Solgar are brilliant.
I have seen it make quite a difference to people's moods over the years.

Years ago people thought I was snooty because I was so shy.
I have learnt to smile at people now, so your phrase 'grin and bear it' is very apt.

Best wishes to you and your LO.

stickysausages · 26/11/2013 08:01

I'm sorry you're feeling so low :( it's gruelling being a mum, especially to a lively 18 month old! I struggled to speak to people & went through pnd, but I forced myself to go to toddler group & ended up jointly running in after a year or so, talk about throwing myself in at the deep end!

Things that helped me were getting outside, even for a trip to the park, woods, beach or to the shop for a paper... the exercise & fresh air make you feel better & break up the day.

Speak to your HV, they've heard it all before & can offer support and maybe some ideas to help.

My DS is at school now, I'm still shy but have made one really good friend after swapping numbers at a birthday party last year & for me, that's enough for now, I'm not hugely social.

I also do voluntary work, which has given me my confidence back :)
I've recently started learning to crochet too, which is cheap & relaxing! Needle under two pounds, wool from pound shop - there are videos on you tube.

Lastly, keep on here - there are chat threads & meet ups etc, the silly threads can be good company sometimes!

bolderdash · 26/11/2013 10:26

Just a thought but would you be interested in doing a part-time course at a local college? Sometimes you can get funding for the fees and the childcare. Our college has a calculator to show you if you'd get funding.

It's a good way to get out of the house a bit and meet new people.

GaryBarlowsPants · 26/11/2013 10:33

Sending you an unMN-ey hug as I understand how it feels to be lonely. I agree with the other posters who've suggested seeing a different doctor and speaking to your HV.

Some groups can be cliquey, but some can be lovely. Also they seem to go in cycles as mums leave (when their lo starts school/nursery) and new ones join so please don't give up. I'd bet there will be another mum there who feels the same as you.

Original poster
mich11 · 26/11/2013 15:57

Yes I take multivitamins and minerals. I am also having acupuncture once a week but does not seem to be making me better. X

OP posts:
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