AIBU to bring this up again? 'Ladyboys'

[PoppyPanda]

First post on mn but lurked for a while, just want opinions.

BF and I have been close friends for years but only been together less than a year in a relationship. We are pretty open minded I like to think. A few weeks ago he was showing me some pics on his phone that he took of us on a trip together, i said 'let me see' and he handed me his phone.

Flicking through the pics fast to find the ones of the next day, i flicked through two or three pornographic ones in quick succession and BF was embarrassed and said 'oh god, do you have to look at those' which i laughed at (I see no harm personally in porn and he knows i don't mind this type of thing on his phone/laptop etc)

However, looking back to the screen I stopped and sort of 'oh'd as I realised this lady had a penis. I flicked back and saw that, yes, all the pictures were naked 'ladies' with flaccid penises.

I said it was fine but then was visibly upset and couldn't hide a few tears as i think it just surprised me! He immediately deleted them all and we chatted briefly. He said he doesn't know why he is curious about them and isn't gay, loves me etc etc. He was really upset that i was upset.

He has spoken about ladyboys a few times before this. Once telling me about some information on them he learned from a documentary and another time asking why people have that type of surgery. I explained i supposed they felt they were trapped in the wrong body and gender and told him to imagine he was born a girl but was still him inside, knowing he SHOULD be a man.

Point is, although we left it at that at the time, WIBU to bring it up again now after we were both so hurt? Part of me says leave it but i want to know what its all about? What would you ask? So far i think i want to know if he finds the pics more sexy or more interesting. How can i get him to search himself and find out if its just wonder or some sort of bi curiosity etc. Im very scared this is the start of a long painful road to him coming out when its too late and I've wasted my youth on him and had children. I so want him to be happy x

I just think he's curious. The thought of ladyboys clearly turns him on but that doesn't mean he'll take it further. A good number of women have erotic fantasies about other women. It doesn't automatically mean theyd be sexually attracted to women in reality.

Obviously you know best how you feel but I can't say I'd feel greatly upset by a partner looking at ladyboy pics. We'd all no doubt be very surprised if we knew what fantasies run through people's minds. Most people have secret fantasies, you just happened to stumble across your partner's fantasy so its no longer his secret. At least he opened up and the 2 of you had a conversation. If it makes you uncomfortable I do think you should speak to him about it again, tho.

Just to add - you've been in a relationship with this man only a short while - less than a year. It seems a bit much to be thinking of ways he can 'search himself'. Ladyboys probably aren't a new fantasy for him. If you suspect he's bi-curious/too attracted re. Ladyboys then its an idea to simply decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you.

For clarity. was the trip to Thailand? And were the pornographic ones of him with a woman?
Lady boys (or khatoeys) are common there. A large number prostitute themselves to fund gender reasignment surgery. I would be very surprised to meet one who was prepared to flash her genitals for free.
I am firmly in the each to their own camp. BUT I am not sure I would be continuing a relationship with a man who pays for sex.

I assumed the pics were downloaded rather than taken by him?

This is a hard one as personally i am quite insecure and DH looking at any porn/pics of attractive women bothers me but i know in general i am over the top with my sensitivity.

I would think that he really is just looking or curious. Plenty of people are turned on by images or the thought of something, but would never make it reality.

Ladyboys are a curiosity, they can be feminine in all ways other than the penis. They can be so pretty. I'm not surprised a heterosexual man would be attracted to them. I don't think it means he is secretly gay. I would take his answers at face value.

But I do think it's a problem that he supports the sale of someone's body (Ladyboy or otherwise).

i think you are being a bit overly worried tbh, he has told you he isnt gay so what he looks at (provided its legal) is his own thing, millions of women look at lesbian porn despite claiming to be 100% straight, similar thing

I wouldn't worry about it. But if it bothers you try and have another talk about it with him.

Even if he is bi-curious, I wouldn't bother about that. Many men are.

Homosexual? Bisexual?

He might think about whatever takes his fancy, but while he's with you he needs to be PoopyPandasexual.

Thankyou for the replies. No the trip wasn't abroad, the pictures were internet downloads not taken by him so he hasn't paid for sex (although he has used massage parlours while previously single) MISTRESS I understand what you are saying that we havnt been together long but he has been my best friend for 7 years before that, seeing each other at least once a week so its a little different to a genuinely 'new' relationship.

Everyone has been very reassuring, thankyou. For the record if he were bisexual that wouldn't bother me at all. Its an excellent point about many women fantasising about women but being straight i didn't think of that, very true x

I think you have a wonderful relationship to look forward to with this porn-partaking, prostitute-using, ladyboy-loving bloke.

Put it all to one side for your man, it's just what men do.

Isn't it ?

I don't think that many men are bi-curious to the extent that they would keep pictures on their phone, tbh.

I have known men on holiday in Thailand to be curious about Ladyboys, but not to look at pictures, or want their male parts exposed, so I don't agree.

I have had a varied sex life.

You need to establish if he is turned on by any male parts, as such, if he thinks he would want to experiment and then his opinion on cheating.

Anything else is his business, but you have the right to protect yourself and decide your own bounderies.

I have had friends whose relationships have been ended by the need to explore aspects of their sexuality.

Only he can address what you are asking, tbh.

Perhaps this is just me, but I would be far more bothered by the fact he's used prostitutes than by the ladyboy thing.

"USED MASSAGE PARLOURS" Far more issues with this than with ladyboys tbh.
Grim, just grim - he views women as something that can be paid for.

I have spoken to him before about the massage parlour thing as i class it as similar to prostitutes but he seems to think its different somehow because there's no sex. He did it a couple of times when very young, I don't think hes proud of it, its not something he brags about or has done for a long time. Am I being really naive? x

What does he mean by sex? If you gave your NDN a handjob would he class that as sex or just you being friendly? Be really clear that massage parlours are not selling sports massage like a beautician would give.

massage parlours are sex establishments

the minimum offered is a "happy ending"

yes, you are naive and your partner sounds like a misogynist twat

He means a handjob. I don't know that his past is relevant in this instance as he was young, single and regrets it. I knew all this when i agreed to be with him so clearly i am passed this issue. The question was, would it be unreasonable to bring the ladyboy thing up again, as in should i just accept his previous answers on it or should i try to push him to find out what exactly he likes about it and if i should be concerned.

a passing interest in these pics is one thing

but saving them on his phone ? ?

I can't remember if you said he/you have dc or perhaps he has nieces/nephews that could easily pick up his phone and idly scroll through just like you did

I think you need to be having a lot of serious discussions about sex generally. I think you have to be putting your own boundaries firmly in place and discussing his own boundaries. I'm not sure I could ever respect anyone who has paid for sex, tbh, but that's just me and if you believe it was youthful madness then I guess that's your business. But I think you have to do a lot of talking to find out if you're on the same page about sex.

You may be 'past this issue' but what about if, I dunno, you are pg, then have a baby, then are off sex for a long period of time. Would you be comfortable with him getting a hand job off a hooker in a massage parlour then?

I'm not saying that would automatically happen, but I'm saying that you have to be crystal clear about what is acceptable to you and open up the lines of communication.

I think not only does he have pictures like this SAVED on his phone, but he also seems to have mentionitis about this kind of person. I don't know whether I've mentioned "ladyboys" or anything of the kind ever before in my life let alone "a few times" in the past few months. It's obviously been enough for you to notice (maybe even jokingly think "this again?!") so either it's pretty frequent, pretty close together or there was something different about the conversations to make them stand out.

This is going to play on your mind, so I think you are totally not being unreasonable to bring it up again and clear the air.

Yanbu to bring it up again as it obviously bothers you and has left you with unanswered questions.

Good call @ "mentionitis"

Thankyou very much Elephant and Wilson. Mist - he is around no children or young people, he lives with adults and has no family members under 40, works with adults etc. I have one 1 child who he has met when we were just friends but isnt around often as I want to be surer of the relationship / longer term first before deciding he can be an actual 'fixture' in my LOs life x

I see no harm personally in porn

What research have you done into the issue?

You take my point though, love ?

I would think very, very carefully about allowing this man into your child's life.