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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to bring this up again? 'Ladyboys'

50 replies

PoppyPanda · 25/11/2013 02:22

First post on mn but lurked for a while, just want opinions.

BF and I have been close friends for years but only been together less than a year in a relationship. We are pretty open minded I like to think. A few weeks ago he was showing me some pics on his phone that he took of us on a trip together, i said 'let me see' and he handed me his phone.

Flicking through the pics fast to find the ones of the next day, i flicked through two or three pornographic ones in quick succession and BF was embarrassed and said 'oh god, do you have to look at those' which i laughed at (I see no harm personally in porn and he knows i don't mind this type of thing on his phone/laptop etc)

However, looking back to the screen I stopped and sort of 'oh'd as I realised this lady had a penis. I flicked back and saw that, yes, all the pictures were naked 'ladies' with flaccid penises.

I said it was fine but then was visibly upset and couldn't hide a few tears as i think it just surprised me! He immediately deleted them all and we chatted briefly. He said he doesn't know why he is curious about them and isn't gay, loves me etc etc. He was really upset that i was upset.

He has spoken about ladyboys a few times before this. Once telling me about some information on them he learned from a documentary and another time asking why people have that type of surgery. I explained i supposed they felt they were trapped in the wrong body and gender and told him to imagine he was born a girl but was still him inside, knowing he SHOULD be a man.

Point is, although we left it at that at the time, WIBU to bring it up again now after we were both so hurt? Part of me says leave it but i want to know what its all about? What would you ask? So far i think i want to know if he finds the pics more sexy or more interesting. How can i get him to search himself and find out if its just wonder or some sort of bi curiosity etc. Im very scared this is the start of a long painful road to him coming out when its too late and I've wasted my youth on him and had children. I so want him to be happy x

OP posts:

PeggyCarter · 25/11/2013 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ev1lEdna · 25/11/2013 18:32

but he seems to think its different somehow because there's no sex.

ok, but

He means a handjob

Is a sexual act to me.

That said, it is entirely up to YOU how you feel about what he has done in his single past. I wouldn't be comfortable with it because I have certain beliefs/opinions but I am not in that relationship.

The question now then is what is it about the ladyboy issue that is bothering you because something about it is bothering you? You need to be sure of what that is.

I also think this I think you have to be putting your own boundaries firmly in place and discussing his own boundaries. is important.

Ev1lEdna · 25/11/2013 18:39

It is a specific thing to Thailand I think and they call themselves that - haven't you seen the shows advertised around towns? Ladyboys of Bangkok (I think.) I have read (somewhere) that trans- gender is not as word used in Thailand but I could very well be wrong. It isn't a subject I know much about. It isn't a word I've ever heard to refer to trangendered people here.

Ev1lEdna · 25/11/2013 18:40

Sorry that post was for Joyful

PeggyCarter · 25/11/2013 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PoppyPanda · 25/11/2013 19:05

I am really sorry if i have offended anyone. I thought trangendered people were in the wrong gendered body and ladyboys was the only term i know for women who by choice keep their penises! I'm genuinely sorry for any offence! I do have a m to f trans friend but i never thought to ask her what word to use as i thought these were two separate subcultures x

OP posts:

TiggyD · 25/11/2013 19:54

A transsexual woman who poses for photos with her bits out is probably happy with the 'Ladyboy' tag. Common in Thailand too, but I shouldn't use it at any other time.

Chippednailvarnish · 25/11/2013 20:17

He sounds vile, why would you want a relationship with an ex massage parlor user who now carries photos of "ladyboys" around on his phone?!?!

phantomnamechanger · 25/11/2013 20:27

Seriously Op, my advice is - get out while you have no commitment , or you are in for a lot of heartache. And do not be conned into thinking you can change him, he clearly is interested in this stuff and if you are not into open relationship where anything goes, you are gonna get hurt.

paxtecum · 25/11/2013 20:35

OP: I thought I was open minded too, but my disappointment was that my XH always wanted more than just me.
I was never enough for him.

He was always pushing sexual boundaries and I went along with it, thinking it was my 'duty' to keep him happy.

My happiness wasn't even considered.

Be careful, don't get hurt.

Best wishes to you.

SolemnHour · 25/11/2013 21:02

I agree about the massage parlour thing to me that sums up how somebody views women to be paid for.

However that aside its unfair to assume that because someone has a broad sexuality or is bisexual that they will not remain faithful or one person isnt enough for them thats simply untrue

OrlandoWoolf · 25/11/2013 21:13

Some MTF have penises because they are waiting surgery. Some don't want surgery as it is very complex surgery.

"Ladboy" would be an offensive term in the UK.

notmyproblem · 25/11/2013 21:17

Here's the deal:

Straight men love their own cocks. Some of them just love cocks, period. Just not on the body of another man. So seeing one on the body of someone who's otherwise completely womanly is an exciting and erotic paradox that really turns some men on.

He's not gay or bi I wouldn't think.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 25/11/2013 21:43

Straight men love their own cocks

I think I just agree with your first sentence there, not

SolemnHour · 25/11/2013 21:51

i agree notmy men are obsessed with cocks, they just dont like to admit it, their own, the sizes of other mens, many will admit to crafty looks in the loo or showers.

Loads of straight women admit to being aroused by pics of naked women, or by boobs

Maybe its just one of his things, It doesnt really matter what turns someone on but rather who they are faithful to imo, the fantasy is often very different to the reality.

Caitlin17 · 25/11/2013 22:01

I'd ditch him. Massage parlour means brothel.

OneHandFlapping · 25/11/2013 22:03

Strange, because I don't think a man with a vag would be a turn on at all.

Caitlin17 · 25/11/2013 22:47

Orlando I think in the context of those photos "ladyboy" is probably acceptable.

I've never been but The Ladyboys of Bangkok are in Edinburgh every year in August during The Fringe.

MistressDeeCee · 26/11/2013 00:37

So - because he used massage parlours in the past that's to be held against him, marking him out as a sex crazed misogynist for the rest of his natural? No chance that he may have been young back then doing what some young men do (even if they tell you they were ever squeaky clean living saints)..so, no chance of redemption for him then? That's it?

& what's this about him going to Thailand paying for sex with ladyboys? Where did the OP intimate, or categorically state that? I can't see it in the post so its a completely unfounded and uncalled for allegation. Why? To make OP feel like shit?

What crap is this? Next, will it be that women who look at and fantasise about lesbian porn will go out there looking to pay for sex with women?! Or..are men just fair game to have a pop at?

This place is mad at time with the Jackanory that can be fabricated from the stretching of facts. OP, do yourself a favour - get off Mumsnet, go and talk the whole thing through with your man, and see whether you find his fantasy is a dealbreaker for you. If it is, its best you just leave him or you'll just torment your soul wanting him to switch off his fantasy, & looking for signs as to whether or not he's still indulging.

Ginnytonic82 · 26/11/2013 12:48

My ex liked pre-op trans females. I was very young when I went out with him, it was my first serious relationship. From personal experience, even though we talked about it, it was too difficult for me to accept. I had shockingly low self esteem and felt he wanted something I could never give him. In time it caused us problems, he wanted to explore a bisexual lifestyle and started to watch trans porn on a regular basis. This in turn made me act a bit crazy to say the least and in the end we split up.

Like I say this is just my personal experience, from a time in my life when I was very naive, and had zero confidence. Your experience could be completely different and you could be able to have a great and trusting relationship, but only you can know that. Talk to each other and be honest and open, that's my advice. If it is making you even the slightest bit uncomfortable talk to each other, don't let your worries fester away. This is a tough situation and I wish you the very best with it and hope that, no matter what happens, you're happy in the end.

Original poster

PoppyPanda · 26/11/2013 14:12

Thankyou Ginny. Mistress thankyou so much. I was thinking the same and also it was implied i shouldn't ever let him near my child because of this.. That was really confusing as i don't see how his past in this instance affects his ability to one day be a father figure of sorts. I have spoken to him briefly (hes currently in another country) and we are going to talk about it again when he gets home. Id like to make it clear he is a loving, faithful, sensitive, generous and witty man who makes me happier than I've ever been and hearing him described as 'vile' is upsetting, judgemental and closed minded just because he has a past and I'm ignoring all comments from those users as i don't need advice from people who choose to write people off so swiftly on past mistakes. We ALL have a past.

OP posts:

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 26/11/2013 14:35

I would say that he is neither gay nor bi, just curious. Some people are very judgemental on this thread. I am going out on a limb here and will say that my DH used prostitutes a couple of times when he was single and much younger (20 odd years ago), in my opinion, it does not make him a bad man now. He is a loving, trustworthy husband and a fantastic dad. He is not proud of what he did but we all make mistakes. Good luck OP x

WilsonFrickett · 26/11/2013 14:49

Poppy we do all have a past. But for many of us that past doesn't involve buying sex.

I'm not saying he'll do it again. I'm not saying it's a deal breaker. But imo you have to fully, honestly explore this issue with him for a number of reasons:

So you 100% believe he won't do it again
So he 100% understands your attitude and beliefs towards it (please don't go 'cool wife' on this. 'Forgiving' a past mistake doesn't mean condoning a future one and you have to be very clear on this)

That's before you start talking about the porn...

Theodorous · 26/11/2013 14:54

As someone who visits Thailand annually to try and help young people I would say that people suffer. However he can't be blamed for that and he isn't necessarily a weirdo. I think that most men, when faced with the reality would find it a huge turn off

BigFatGoalie · 26/11/2013 22:24

All I keep thinking of is these stories you read where men who have been married for 25 years and have 3 children suddenly "come out" to their wives and families...
I would be very, very careful if I was you... It's all a red flag to me. Sorry OP.

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