To expect my boyfriend to realise his wife is a gold digger and vindictive person?

[NMC89]

Background: my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, having been friends for some time before that. We have a large age difference but have an incredible bond and are best friends. He has been separated from his wife for 4 years but they still live in the same house (they don't have sex). I live in London and she lives in Italy - he commutes, spending the week with me in the UK and the weekends with his children.

She has had multiple affairs openly and manipulates him unbearably (she has threatened to stop him seeing his children). He financially supports her (as well as her sister and brother). I find her behaviour disgusting, she only speaks to him when she wants money or a new car and refuses to do anything for him or the household (she is a sahm) - including disciplining the children, cooking, cleaning or food shopping. He does all these when he gets back after a week working in the UK. I try hard not to constantly be horrible about her, but it is hard to see the man I love being taken advantage of so viciously. I know they are not going to divorce (for the sake of their children) but I really can't see how this is a good alternative. He admits that she is awful and has got very angry about some of the things she has done (notably bringing her boyfriend to their family home to spend the night when his children were there), but he is incapable of doing anything about it and has aided her boyfriend's business and bought her property. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tell her about me, stand up for himself and stop being a coward as well as getting divorce proceedings under way?

I thought you said his wife was openly having relationships with other men ?

So why are you talking about keeping secrets from these teenagers ?

It's just you that is the secret. If what this lying adulterer says is true, of course. Why don't you put it to the test ?

Um... I'm not seeing a lot of 'different and conflicting views'. The overwhelming consensus is that you are shagging her husband and she knows nothing of it and he is playing you for a fool.

Go on, hands up anyone who thinks he is likely to divorce his wife and thus damage the teenagers? Anyone?

Tis better than Eastenders

Wow

How many times does he stay in the UK for a weekend? Would he stay for your birthday for instance?

Teenage kids do their own things on a weekend. They ain't that bothered about doing stuff with dad if something cooler is on offer. I know because I have teenagers.

He really really doesn't need to go home to an EX-wife EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND!

You should definitely give him an ultimatum. Leave the sham SAHM or else.

And you should tell him his not really ex wife is a gold digger. And then wait to see what happens next.

Hint : the guy is a creep and doesn't love you and won't leave the Italian set up. Or worse. He will and you will be pissed bored within 12 months and step mum to teenagers.

What happens when your birthday is ....at the weekend?

He is not your ^boyfriend you're the other woman and his wife* is probably a lovely woman! He does not want to split up with her after all. He isn't with her for the children, he is with her because he wants to be. You sound as thick as mince, he spends every weekend with her (although may throw you the odd one when he tells her he has to work just to keep you sweet) and you actually believe it is because he can do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning whilst she swans off with her boyfriend. Actually if I even thought that was true I'd dump him for being a pathetic doormat, but it is not true he is going home to his family where he is probably well looked after and most importantly where he wants to be. She means a lot more to him than you do - accept it.

You may be smart, intelligent kind etc etc but you are also totally fucking deluded.

His kids are teenagers!!! Absolute claptrap about him being worried he wont see them - they are old enough to make up their own minds!

I really hope this is all a wind up as I would hate to think in this day and age some woman could be so stupid to fall for all this shit.

OP - you've never given him any money have you?

As much of a tireless cliche as this bloke sounds he does bear a striking similarity to one very specific bloke I know of, though fortunately do not know personally.

sadly no longer with us. He was, er, considerably older than me. But not married. And with no children. We were only on-off for a bit 20 years ago.

No! At least tell me this bloke flashes the cash to make it easier to close your eyes, ears and intelligent thought!

My mother was the Other Woman. My stepfather did wait until his daughters grew up and then married my mother. He was 16 years older than her. He got ill. He died. She was widowed in her 60s.

My MIL was the Other Woman. DH's father was married, waited until his daughter grew up, divorced his wife and married MIL. He was 18 years older than MIL. He got ill. He died. She was widowed 3 weeks before her 60th birthday.

OP, even if your dreams come true, you will still be on your own later in life. It's a fact. Seriously, find someone your own age so that you can enjoy your twilight years with someone to keep you company. Both DM and MIL are lonely, I know it, even though they won't admit it.

I found the blow drying a bit of a turn off, tbh!

'At no point did I say she couldn't have a bf, just that I personally think it's inappropriate to do this in front of their children'

But what you think about your lover's wife's lifestyle is about as relevant as your opinion on what colour socks she'll be buying him for Xmas, frankly.

Assuming the bf exists, which is doubtful - it's absolutely her business & her dh's whether he's introduced to their children. Just as it's their business whether to introduce you.

Your opinion of their parenting isn't needed here.

OP - how is this all making you feel? Looking at things differently in any way?

thick as mince

Perhaps you should now be insisting
On meeting his family? After all it's been two years! I met dh family after months

I hate aibu where the op doesn't agree and still debates

I don't think your gonna leave him soon. You have convinced yourself you are the 'good guy' in this scenario. You are all lying to yourselves and each other. You need to contact his wife if you want the truth.

Also, do you think that she might think its inappropriate of you to sleep with her husband?

....yes that's quite some wave....

You say she manipulates him & doesnt do anything ie looking after the children & housework.

How do you know so much about her?

I'm hiding this thread.

I think people whinnying about age gap relationships are being rather closed minded and missing all the other issues in this thread.

OP's bloke could be the same age as her and still be mugging her off spectacularly.

My dp is older than me. He'll die well before me assuming my health holds longer than his does/unfortunate accidents. I'd rather be with him, knowing that, because I love him than with anybody else my age. Not because I have daddy issues or low self esteem, far from it.

I don't think anyone is whinnying about the age gap in the context of an age gap.

The are looking askance at a married man twenty years her senior with children who will not acknowledge her place in his life.

For those of us with a bit of life experience, that can only mean he is lying to someone.

OP, he is having his cake and eating it. He's never going to leave his wife and by the sounds of it you are in denial. You're young, move on.