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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is odd and a bit annoying

75 replies

bimbabirba · 24/11/2013 20:06

For the past few weeks, every Sunday around lunch time I get a text from the mum of one of my DS' friends asking if DS is available to play with her DS. They're in YR 7.
Last weekend it was 3 pm when she texted so I suppose she just expected us to read the text and drop DS off at hers within a very short period of time?
Her DS is an only child so perhaps he gets bored on Sundays and asks if his friends can come around to play. She could at least offer to pick up and drop off?
Anyway I've said no because it wasn't convenient but am I BU in thinking this is odd behaviour and to be slightly annoyed by it?

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 25/11/2013 22:16

You are getting your point across - it's just that people don't agree with you.

TheSmallClanger · 25/11/2013 23:52

The simple answer to your problem is to let your secondary-aged DS contact his own friends when he wants to hang out, then sort it out with you.

Mums arranging "playdates" for nearly teenage children is weird, if all concerned are NT.

If you have chosen to bring up children away from their normal social networks, you do have to compromise and do quite a lot of lift-giving if they are not to be socially isolated.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 26/11/2013 00:00

Who are all these children who have to be driven everywhere once they're at secondary school? What have people got against letting their children have some freedom (and life experience!)?

OP, you say you now live in a town. Are there no buses? Can your son not ride his bike to his friends house?

I think you're being over-protective (he's in secondary school now, surely he should have at least a PAYG phone?) and a bit stroppy on this thread. You've asked for opinions, people have given them, no need to get snippy.

trashcanjunkie · 26/11/2013 00:01

I agree with you! I think it's rude and she should have made a better plan. I think you would be doing her the favour as you would be keeping her child entertained for the afternoon. I like having my kids around, so packing them off for a playdate isn't a nice break, it's a bloody inconvenience actually. I'll make an arrangement if it's something they really want to do but other than that no, I wouldn't, especially if you feel like you do about the other mother. Why can't she think ahead and make a plan anyway? And I don't think you're weird for arranging your childs' playdates either.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 26/11/2013 00:04

'Playdates'! They're in Y7 ffs. Would people stop calling them playdates? Even I'm embarrassed by it!

trashcanjunkie · 26/11/2013 00:12

aah, well, you know what I mean heartbrokenmum Oh your name sounds sad! Hope your heart heals soon....

monicalewinski · 26/11/2013 00:15

I am another that finds it very odd to be arranging play dates for an 11 yr old.

My eldest has been calling on friends (ie going round to another street and knocking on them on the offchance they'll come out to play) from about 9 yrs old; both boys (my youngest is 8) and other children in our street have been out knocking on each other from age 5ish.

I also don't know most of the parents of my 11 yr old now that he is at secondary - I know the kids from them coming round, but not the parents (do know the parents of my 8yr olds friends though).

Perhaps you could text and offer to have your son's friend round for a Saturday night sleepover - that way his mum has to speak to you, and you could explain that last minute stuff isn't good for you coz of toddler etc.

Also, I would get him a phone for xmas, so he can text his friends to organise stuff himself instead of having his mum organise everything for him.

Bunbaker · 26/11/2013 06:46

"Same day arrangements are not very common around his group of friends perhaps because there is often a drive involved."

"Who are all these children who have to be driven everywhere once they're at secondary school?"

DD's best friend lives about 20 minutes away by car. We live in a rural area and buses are very infrequent on a Sunday, so there is a drive involved. One that, if we aren't busy, that I am happy to make (and one that her friend's parents are also happy to make).

DD is an only child and all our relatives are hundreds of miles away. I feel it is important for DD to forge strong friendships because when the inevitable happens they will be her only support network. So I encourage these friendships.

Crowler · 26/11/2013 07:15

My son is in year 6 and I still arrange all his "playdates". But I am ready & willing for this to change, it just hasn't taken hold with his friends.

Original poster

bimbabirba · 26/11/2013 07:15

I don't normally organise "playdates" for my DS! What the fuck is everyone accusing me of that for? I said that this woman texts me to ask if my DS would go round hers. Normally DS comes back from school and says "can I go round so and so at the weekend" or he talks to his friends on the xbox and then asks if he can see them.
I can't believe people are also being so judgy because I have to drive him to places and even for sending him to school away from his local community? What the fuck? How do you know where I live and what options there are for public transport at the weekend?
DSs go to a private school and that's way a lot of their friends come from neighbouring villages quite a distance away.
Is that ok?
I don't care if people disagree with me on finding this woman odd, it's the fact that it gives people the excuse to make assumptions and make judgy comments which are beyond the point that winds me up

OP posts:

ICameOnTheJitney · 26/11/2013 07:19

It's very normal OP. We are in a similar situation in that our school is a couple of miles away and most kids are spread out in a 5 mile radius....we often get called on the same day "Can DD come over?" or sometimes people have just called by as they're in the area and knocked on the door....to ask if DD could come to the cafe/swimming/cinema with them,

At first I found it surprising but now I am pleased they feel comfy enough to just call by....my DD is only 9 but at your son's age, he should be arranging his own stuff...so should his mates...between themselves....then asking for lifts.

HarryStottle · 26/11/2013 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ICameOnTheJitney · 26/11/2013 07:21

OP it's odd that you're so angry that a woman calls up on the same day as her son wants to see yours! That's the ONLY odd thing here. Everyone thinks so except you!

HarryStottle · 26/11/2013 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crowler · 26/11/2013 07:29

whoa, bimbabirba.

Joysmum · 26/11/2013 07:35

My dd has friends who have single parents with other siblings or who don't drive. She's lucky, as a SAHM I see it as my mission to try to encourage her to socialise as much as possible and I'd rather she had last minute play dates than no play dates at all. We're often quite spontaneous ourselves if we get bored.

Joysmum · 26/11/2013 07:38

...sorry I posted before I'd finished!

So I will pick up and drop off other kids to enable my child to be with hers friends. I'll also fund special activities for other kids too. I don't keep track of who does what and when, don't see it as relevant. All that's relevant is that my DD wants to pursue a friendship and I'll support that, then she'll move onto the next one and I'll support that too!

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 26/11/2013 07:42

Jeez OP take a chill pill.

Mimishimi · 26/11/2013 07:53

She can take mine, she can take mine! Seriously though, if she was dumping her son on you at a moment's notice that would be one thing and not right at all. This is a bit more ambiguous, she's offering to take him and it doesn't hurt to ask. If you have other plans, just say so.

HarryStottle · 26/11/2013 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 26/11/2013 08:02

"I don't normally organise "playdates" for my DS! What the fuck is everyone accusing me of that for?"

Because of the way you're talking about the other mother. You think she should give you more notice... she's deciding to call you when she can't handle her DS's being bored... you can't understand why she's always inviting him when she's unfriendly towards you... you seem to see this as a playmate that she is or should be organising, so it's natural for the rest of us to assume that you do things the way you think she should be doing them.

In fact, as poster after poster has said, this is almost certainly being driven by her DS and she's just acting as a complicated mobile phone with a pulse. I doubt she cares one way or the other whether your DS comes over; her DS wants to invite him so she passes on the message. There's no obligation for you to say yes if it's not convenient, but it's not odd of her to ask. Think of these communications as coming indirectly from an 11yo boy and it may be better for your blood pressure.

madmomma · 26/11/2013 09:10

Wow. The things people think about. Someone asked your child over at short notice. So what? Go or don't.

monicalewinski · 26/11/2013 09:16

Have you ever actually said to her "Sorry, he can't come round as it's so late in the day. It's quite difficult doing stuff last minute because I have a toddler too - would you be able to give me a wee bit more notice next time so I can get him round to yours? Sorry for being a nuisance etc".

She's not a mind reader and unless you've conveyed to her why you can't drop everything and run, she won't know.

notthefirstagainstthewall · 26/11/2013 17:21

I think YANBU op to be fed up driving to and from her house. She should offer to do lifts if's a regular event and the children can't get there independently.

They've only been yr7's for 3 months so give them time people.Not everyone lives on a estate or middle of the town.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 26/11/2013 18:44

I can't believe people are also being so judgy because I have to drive him to places and even for sending him to school away from his local community? What the fuck? How do you know where I live and what options there are for public transport at the weekend?

Erm, I asked actually, as follows:

OP, you say you now live in a town. Are there no buses? Can your son not ride his bike to his friends house?

And I then followed this with saying that you've asked for opinions and have responded with snippiness. Your response? More snippiness!

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