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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is odd and a bit annoying

75 replies

bimbabirba · 24/11/2013 20:06

For the past few weeks, every Sunday around lunch time I get a text from the mum of one of my DS' friends asking if DS is available to play with her DS. They're in YR 7.
Last weekend it was 3 pm when she texted so I suppose she just expected us to read the text and drop DS off at hers within a very short period of time?
Her DS is an only child so perhaps he gets bored on Sundays and asks if his friends can come around to play. She could at least offer to pick up and drop off?
Anyway I've said no because it wasn't convenient but am I BU in thinking this is odd behaviour and to be slightly annoyed by it?

OP posts:
LoveandLife · 24/11/2013 21:52

within without

Original poster
bimbabirba · 24/11/2013 22:30

DS doesn't have a mobile and unless he's talking to his friends through Xbox live or other PC-related source, it's the parents that make arrangements.
I have declined each time because it was inconvenient or because we had friends for lunch/afternoon. No it's not a big deal, I just find this woman's behaviour odd and a bit off putting.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 25/11/2013 06:37

"Thank Christ that there were no mobile phones when my kids were young."

There weren't mobiles when I was at school. We used something called a telephone.

"No it's not a big deal, I just find this woman's behaviour odd and a bit off putting."

But it isn't. I'm sorry, but you don't sound very friendly. Next time she texts why don't you suggest that last minute arrangements don't suit you and something is prearranged in advance?

What does your son think? Does he mind not being allowed to see his friend?

Original poster
bimbabirba · 25/11/2013 07:19

My son IS allowed to see his friend. turns out that we were already doing other things planned because it was so last minute.
Friendliness has nothing to do with this, i would happily try to befriend the woman if she invited me round for coffee or something but she never does.

OP posts:
Kbear · 25/11/2013 07:25

I wouldn't necessarily expect to be friends with the parents of my year 7 DS.

At secondary school they make their own plans and I say yay or nay if it doesn't suit us. DS often texts his friends on a Sunday afternoon and they get together - one or the other of the parents picks up or drops off if it's dark but other than that they get buses, they get themselves to school ok so it's not a problem.

And DS would freak out if I called it a play date!

I'd embrace the fact that someone wants to be friends with your son and not be obstructive but if you feel Sundays are special for family only, you need to tell your son so he can tell his friends not to contact him.

sapfu · 25/11/2013 07:27

Why don't you invite her over for coffee then?

I get that you find it annoying, but the big picture is her son is mates with yours, she is inviting your child over for the afternoon. Tell your ds when it's convenient for him to have a pal over and get the boys to arrange it.

She is extending a hand of friendship and whilst you might find it irritating (tbh I think I would a bit, too) that she does it all seemingly last minute, what is stopping you from taking charge and sorting out a time for the boys to get together, when it's convenient for all?

Fuckingfacebook · 25/11/2013 07:30

Your son is yr7. I found t that age they made their own arrangements and only asked if I had to be involved in lifts. And mine would have been more than annoyed if I'd said play date at that age.

Is he your eldest?

Fuckingfacebook · 25/11/2013 07:32

By yr7 I never knew their parents in the way you do when they are younger. It wasn't necessary to sit and chat to a mother of a friend. It's not like when they are toddlers and the driver is that you are friends with the mum. It's the kids friendship, not yours.

MammaTJ · 25/11/2013 08:08

to text at 3 pm for an afternoon play date seems a bit extreme

It's not. You are a bit odd to react in this way!

Original poster
bimbabirba · 25/11/2013 10:47

Thanks guys. I'll say yes next time then even if it means sending my guests home or waking up my toddler DS from his afternoon nap Hmm

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 25/11/2013 11:22

No don't say yes if you have guests or need to wake the toddler up! Say 'sorry it's not convenient this afternoon. How about next week?'

It's not rocket science, OP.

livinginwonderland · 25/11/2013 11:59

It's not about you having to say yes Hmm

It's about her actions not being remotely unusual. If your DS's had their own phones, they'd be texting/calling and making these arrangements themselves. Kids don't plan things weeks in advance, most plans are made the day at the earliest before unless it's a pre-arranged sleepover or something. Your DS doesn't have a phone, so she's going through you to make plans. No big deal.

If it's not convenient, it's not convenient, but there's nothing wrong with her asking!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/11/2013 12:02

I find it odd that you find it odd.

By all means say no if it's not convenient but she probably thinks there is no harm in asking.

LoveandLife · 25/11/2013 12:14

Oh nonsense. Of course if it's not convenient you say no, that doesn't make it odd to ask.

Crowler · 25/11/2013 12:18

I don't think it's odd OR annoying. I don't like to make fixed weekend daytime plans for my kids because if the weather is nice we would probably wind up going on a day out in the countryside. I am "guilty" of sending such texts! Sorry!

Although I should say, NOT at 3pm on Sunday. I'm shifting to school mode at that point.

LoveandLife · 25/11/2013 12:22

Don't his friends ever just knock for him? Didn't yours?

Crowler · 25/11/2013 12:24

I'm always a bit envious when I hear about kids knocking (I know, be careful what you wish for). This has never happened to us in my entire time as a parent, I have to organize EVERYTHING.

harticus · 25/11/2013 12:30

OP - My son is younger than yours but there is a woman at my DS's school who does this kind of thing to us.
It is all about occupying her son - she uses my boy as a kind of plaything for her kid. It is annoying.

Shargaff7 · 25/11/2013 13:02

It's not odd to be asking .. My dds are now 16 &18 , when they were in yr7 they were making there own arrangements .. And there were so many last minute arrangements made , by them, other parents and other kids ... That's life ... And as said before if it's not convenient ... Just say no ... Not a big deal..

pictish · 25/11/2013 13:08

Yab weirdly u. It's perfectly normal and acceptable for another parent to get in touch to see if your kid is free to hang out with theirs. Not everything in life is scheduled you know!

I often get a text asking if my ds (same age) fancies nipping round to a friend's. If he's free I say yes.

What's the problem here?

pictish · 25/11/2013 13:09

I think it's odd that you find it inappropriate. What was your childhood like - did you not hang out with pals at the weekend if there was nothing else on? I did.

Original poster
bimbabirba · 25/11/2013 15:49

I'm not getting my point across it seems.

  1. We don't live in an area where friends just pop in and knock on the door. Used to be the case when we lived in a village but now that we're in town and DSs don't go to a local school, their friends live all over the place, often 20 minutes or more by car as is the case with this boy.
  2. My DS does ask me to invite a friend over sometimes and I usually try to ask the day before at least. Same day arrangements are not very common around his group of friends perhaps because there is often a drive involved.
  3. My DS has gone to this boy's house once and when I picked him up 15 minutes late, she was rather unfriendly and I later found out that she had asked my DS "is your mum always late?". Before any of you ask, no she didn't have anywhere to go, she was at home cooking dinner and her DH was also around
Basically she's not friendly and I feel that she's just ringing around at the last minute when her DS gets bored which I find a bit odd and not very nice If she wanted to genuinely have my DS around, she could ask the day before or at least offer to pick up or drop off That's all
OP posts:
zipzap · 25/11/2013 16:22

With regard to the picking up/dropping off, maybe you have both got very different mental models of who is doing who the favour and thus who should put the driving effort in...

You are thinking that you are doing her a favour by letting your ds go over there at the last minute to entertain her son when she could have sorted out something earlier in the week so you all knew where you stood, so if she/the son want the playdate then they could could at least do one if not two of the journeys.

Whereas they are probably thinking that they are doing you a favour by providing some free last minute childcare so you can have some free time and thus doing the driving would be a fair recompense.

Neither of you are right or wrong - could just explain why you both see it differently.

If they ring on a sunday again and you are available but don't want to be out and about driving, why not say that would be great but you're not in a position to drive (glass of wine at lunch for example) so say that if the other parent can do the drop off and pick up, you are happy to host the boys. Might be that she has also has had a glass of wine at lunch and can't drive so doesn't want to drive, or can't be bothered to drive etc so will pass on your offer. Or she will want to and will soon be there knocking on the door.

And if you are often busy at weekends, just tell her but suggest that a Thursday etc is good instead.

zipzap · 25/11/2013 16:25

Oh and I do think it's strange to contact you on a Sunday afternoon - its just not a time I would think of ringing anyone unless they were expecting it. Even my mum - I'd wait until the evening to ring and have a chat!

WorraLiberty · 25/11/2013 16:44

I don't see what's odd about her asking...all you have to do is say 'Sorry we're busy'.

However if you don't have a land line, you really should get your son a £10 PAYGO from Tesco or somewhere.

He's a bit old for having his Mum arrange 'playdates' with his friends.