To expect adult children to contribute?

[maparole]

This is completely academic now, because I have left my ex, but there was an issue which always caused rows and I still ponder on whether I was justified.

Ex had three grown sons - the youngest already 18 when I met him. We lived abroad, so we got into the routine of all three coming to stay for a week or so in the summer, sometimes with girlfriends as well. This was always good fun but obviously entailed a lot of extra work for me and a massive extra cost.

We ran a business together and for the first few years we were doing well, the DSSs were still studying, etc, and the expense of these visits were never an issue to me. However, latterly we were VERY short of money, DSSs were all grown men with excellent jobs and I began to feel that they should be expected to chip in for groceries, petrol, etc, and not simply expect us to fund an all-in holiday for them all every year.

It didn't help that our own DS's birthday is at the same time and I was always struggling to afford his presents (always modest anyway) and party. The cost of the three to six extra people meant we would spend in a week what would normally do for a month.

Whenever I tried to broach this with ex (who never shopped or took any responsibility for finances), he would just fly into a rage and accuse me of "hating" his sons or trying to stop him seeing them. To me, it is simply common good manners to offer a contribution if you stay in someone else's home ... even a small token gift or the offer to take us out for a meal would have shown some appreciation.

Odd that this one small problem in a relationship fraught with huge problems should continue to niggle me, but I'd love to have some independent views on it.

She's already said they don't only see their dad once a year.

She's already said often there would be six of them, expecting food and alcohol.

A little child is more deserving of a birthday party than a well paid adult is of a paid for holiday.

She's said that the fare to see them is the same cost as a night out.

YANBU.

My babyboomer parents have much more disposable cash than dh & I do.

We still rock up for our annual three day visit with several bottles of wine, take them out for a meal, & ask if we can get anything if we're popping to the shop.

If they were actually skint we'd do a supermarket shop (we do if we're visiting step-MIL, who IS a bit strapped & insists on buying endless treats for the kids).

I wouldn't present myself at a mate's house with dh & dc for the weekend without contributing food & booze! As an adult child, I think it's the same thing.

It's basic manners, surely. Your hosts are already tidying up & making up rooms & all that malarkey, you don't want them to be ruefully contemplating a whacking great hole in the food budget as you drive off...

I think the max you could ask is that they all take turns to buy in ingredients and cook a meal one night.

I doubt that the OP's ex told his children that they were hard up though. They probably had no idea.

I don't agree at all that staying with parents is the same as staying with friends. I don't give my parents money for food or petrol when I visit them because they are welcome to stay with me and eat my food any time. The OPs children probably felt the same way. Surely that is the way it works with the majority of adult children and their parents?

I suppose this touched a nerve with your ex as he was touchy they were your DSSs. I wonder if you would have asked your DS if you were in the same position, not having a go AT ALL but that might have made him feel defensive.

MIL has a new partner and adult step children, it does cause a bit of angst between them. I know they have spats about how each of them is treated and visited etc.

But you'd have to be a bit of a twerp, as a well-paid adult, to descend on your father, step-mother, & their young family, & fail to notice that they weren't spectacularly flush & would appreciate some provisions bought, surely.

It probably depends on how much you're in & out of each other's houses anyway.

My best friend might turn up, with her kids, for the weekend, empty handed because she hasn't had a chance to go shopping & I'm fine with that - we see each other most months - she'll probably pay for the tickets next time we go to a gig or something.

My parents, OTOH, I see twice a year - they come to us, we go to them - so it feels like good manners not to turn up empty handed. We aren't particularly close so maybe that's the difference.

whatever5, the OP said that they did know the OP and her husband were really broke.

She says, "It was no secret from anyone that we were strapped."

Well, they were his sons and I'd find it difficult to ask my children to contribute in those circumstances but as a daughter I wouldn't dream of staying at my mother's for a week and not taking her and her dh out to dinner and bringing flowers and wine.

OTH we have a home in a nice place overseas and when we first got it were dumbfounded at the levels of expectation from some family members.

ImperialBether- I thought that the "it was no secret from anyone that we were strapped" was a bit vague. The OP didn't specifically say that her step children had been told they were having financial difficulties. If they were really strapped for cash to they extent that their bank cards were being refused etc, why on earth why they buying wine/beer in the first place? She and/or her x could have just told her step children that they couldn't afford it anymore. They didn't have to provide alcohol.

Are you sure that they didn't offwer something to your DH and he declined?
Also when your DH visits them 'several times a year' does he pay fopr board and lodging?

I can understand why you were frustrated by your exh attitude, it stank (good dodge there btw).

I think it would be unreasonable to expect invited guests to contribute in a monetary way to their stay. I certainly don't think it would be normal parental behavior to expect adult children to pay for food and board when they visit their own parents, regardless of the income of the children. Your dh should have budgeted to make sure you could afford it, or in the exceptional circumstance that the money for extra food could not possibly be found, told them that he couldn't afford to have them stay. I don't think there is an imperative to buy other non-necessities for them, like wine or fuel for the car. I am taking for granted that you bought alcohol especially for them, because surely you wouldn't normally buy beer and wine if you were struggling financially and had a small child to pay for? I think your exh should have mentioned filling the car back up when they had used it.

A couple of months ago we had visitors from couchsurfer who were no relation and who we'd never met before, but I wouldn't have dreamed about asking them to pay for their meals. I enjoyed treating them nicely (and we we're not rolling in it, by a long shot). The prospect of some people not getting the same generosity extended to them by their own parents as others see no problem giving to total strangers doesn't sit well with me.

As I've mentioned before though, your exh was an idiot, so I'm not surprised you felt frustrated by it all. If he'd taken responsibility for budgeting for their stays, done the heavy lifting in respect of cleaning up/cooking while they were there, and respectfully appreciated what you were giving/losing so that he could spend time with his children, I'm sure you wouldn't be on here now.

Wow. What sort of ill-mannered person arrives at their parents' house for a week and doesn't buy anything?

I would never in a million years provide my adult children large quantities of alcohol. A few glasses of wine; of course. A case of beer or bottle of vodka? Nope.

YANBU.

If you had been rolling in cash, I wouldn't have expected the sons to contribute, ohter than paying for a round at the pub, or bringing some biscuits. However, you were not well off and couldn't afford to keep them. So they should have recognised that and helped out.

I think even in the context of wealthy parents, their adult children should offer to pay for things. Equally, the parents should refuse if they know their children are struggling - but it's an important life lesson as well as good manners.