To be unsure about this point of modern family life etiquette....

[NorthernLurker]

I really don't know what to think - a friend recently divorced after discovering their partner had cheated, was still cheating. The partner has now split up from the other party involved. My friend is still buying Christmas, birthday and 'special day' presents for their former spouse on behalf of the young dc. Now on the one hand this is very sweet. On the other hand I think they're bing a mug especially as none of this is reciprocated. So what's right? Should they be clear this isn't their job anymore? Or should they be 'big' about this? AIBU to not have a blooming clue what's right?

Really not your problem to worry about. Thankfully.

I guess if the children are old enough to enjoy present giving but not old enough to facilitate it themselves then it's worth doing. If she's short of cash then I'd just get them drawing/making cards for him.

It must be very hard but if the children are still young it makes sense she's being a better person and still making their dad important to them.

When they get older they'll see that mum did her best, and if dad hasn't been behaving well they'll see that too.

My ex and I do it for each other (he took some encouragement) as the kids can't go to the shops themselves but want to get us pressies. Usually a book/ slippers/ smellies, nothing expensive. I think its good for the kids to see that it can all be amicable.

Personally, I think that is a constructive thing to do. Facilitating the DC staying on good terms with both parents and smoothing the way through present giving seems like a great idea. The DC will have put up with considerable upheaval and the last thing they need is evidence that one of their parents doesn't have the time/energy/whatever to buy them Xmas presents. Sheltering them from that for a while, if that is the case, is not a bad idea. So, in short, I don't think she (?he) is being a mug if he(?she) is doing it for the dc rather than for his/her cheating spouse.

she loves her children more than she hates her ex I guess, whereas he doesn't seem give a shit about how his children feel....

SOrry, I misread that! She/he is buying presents for the DC to give to their absent Mum/Dad. That is also a lovely thing to do. It teaches the DC all sorts of positive messages about family relationships and giving.

I would expect that that person is doing it for the benefit of their children?

I have done the same myself, my children wanted to get their Dad a gift, they weren't old enough to do it without help-so I helped them.

Do you think it would be better for one parent to allow their feelings about their former relationship to affect their children?

she loves her children more than she hates her ex

This.

YABU, it's the right thing to do (as long as she's not doing it as a weird, love token/ remember me, kind of thing).

Thank you all very much. This is very interesting and helpful. You're absolutely right. My friend is an excellent parent and this is one of the ways of showing it.

When dd was younger I'd help with her getting pressies for the ex and his family. I never got anything from him on dd's behalf but I didn't get pressies for dd to give so that I would get anything in return.

Now she sorts her own presents out and I chuck in a bottle of wine.

If you're giving in order to receive then you're giving for the wrong reasons imo.

I never did this. I had my ExDStD ring me about it. BUT.....mother day came first after our split, then fathers day, then his birthday, then mine.

IF he had done Mothers day for our DD, I would have continued it.

He also had left me for the OW, so she could have taken DD out shopping for a present for him. Actually, so could adult DStD too. I had friends who took my DD out to buy stuff (that I had chosen and given the money for) for me.

Well, my Mum did this with me, for my Dad. It was good to recognise his birthday and when I was older I moved on to buying gifts myself.

(We never did Father's day, which I think was right too - he'd partly relinquished that role and it just wasn't a big thing 30 years ago).

There was an element of them being touching or pointed gifts from her, especially the home-made cakes (new partner didn't cook much) but, while I sort of got that, I didn't read too much into it at that age. I didn't really understand how much she hadn't really moved on and held on to a vain hope he'd come back.

He certainly wasn't involved in helping me choose her gifts, except perhaps when I went on holiday with him. Even then, she'd have told me what she wanted, so I just got that, or chose something childish myself. She was very much the full-time parent though. I don't think she or his new wife would have been impressed by his trying to influence my gifts to her.

I used to 'help' the children to choose a present for their dad at the appropriate times. I still remind them, and I still help out a bit with a Xmas present for his wife, usually because they have no idea what to get her.

But actually I didn't particularly like getting presents that my ex- 'helped' the boys buy for me. I would have preferred a friend or relative to take them shopping but this didn't really work out.

That does sound really nice of her. You can bet her children will appreciate it when they're older.

I get presents for my dsd's mum, step-dad and their baby! From us all as a family not just from dsd. I think it's a good way of keeping things friendly and acknowledging them as important. We are all linked through dsd so I think it's a nice thing to do.

She's a better person than me anyway. I would (if I were in such a situation) steer the children into buying things he hated - mainly for my own amusement. Hot mustard, whisky, socks... That kind of thing!

The children have to buy their dad presents for Xmas and birthday. While they are little, mummy "helps" them.

Sounds normal to me. I bet I would prefer to do it myself than have the OW taking my children present shopping for him.

On the "did he do it too" - men tend to forget family birthdays, married or not. Maybe not yours while you still live together, as there is a well established tradition of having your balls torn off if you do. but sisters, mothers, brothers? Most of my friend say they run the present remembering industry in their home, for the whole extended family.

Agree, I think that while the children are too young to remember the dates ahead of time and organize the shopping it's a really nice thing for their mother to do. I would think they'll appreciate it a lot later on.

[pointless post, everyone else has already said this, but I am stuck on the computer anyway]

Its the right thing to do. It makes children happy at what can be a confusing time for them. We give gifts to people we love. I would think a child would be very upset to not have a little something to give from them to each parent.

I don't get your question. Are you suggesting that they say to absent daddy "mummy won't let us buy you a card as you are a lying cheating bastard (amend with appropriate insults)?"

Your friend is right in what she's doing. Nice lady.

No of course not Minnie! I was asking who's job it is to do this after divorce and there is a consensus that both parents should do this for young children - which I agree with. Incidentally I didn't specify the sex of the parent involved. It's interesting to see that nevertheless everybody assumes it's mum thinking like this.

Wow, you're right, I assumed it was the mother. That is interesting.

Most kids do end up with mum. It mightn't be PC but it is fact.

I'd say this is how you should behave then and your friend is decent. Male or female. Is that better?