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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be truthful with friend or not?

50 replies

mumof3sons · 24/11/2013 12:30

My friend is a single mother with 2 sons the same age as my two youngest.

Last Christmas she invited me to stay (boys were at their dads.) I had never been to the house before and I was nearly sick. It smelled of animal waste, the kitchen was disgusting, the bedrooms a mess and the lounge was filled with rubbish.

Anyway she now is in a custody battle with her ex as he says she's an unfit parent. She keeps complaining about this and I want to be straight and say I agree.

Would you?

OP posts:
MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 24/11/2013 12:35

Tbh no I wouldn't.

Hope things work out ok, your poor friend and her dcs.

TheOneAndOnlyAlpha · 24/11/2013 12:36

Depends if you still want to be friends with her afterwards! I'm guessing she needs your support, so saying you agree would be the end of your friendship.

Roshbegosh · 24/11/2013 12:38

No, as long as her DCs are out of there then leave it. She obviously can't see what is staring everyone else in the face so you won't convince her there is a problem.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 24/11/2013 12:39

Why don't you help her sort her house out, if she is your friend ?

Say "I have noticed the state of your house might work against you, can I help you do a big clean-up so that it looks better if your ex's claims come to anything?"

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 24/11/2013 12:40

Could you just have a chat with her. At her hpuse, ask her in what way does her ex think that and if she mentions the house then say, well, I could help you give it a once over if you like?

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 24/11/2013 12:40

Could you just have a chat with her. At her hpuse, ask her in what way does her ex think that and if she mentions the house then say, well, I could help you give it a once over if you like?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 24/11/2013 12:41

Great minds, MAAA

ForalltheSaints · 24/11/2013 12:44

Offering to help clean it up seems a think to do as a friend.

zatyaballerina · 24/11/2013 12:45

Some people don't see their own filth because it's so normal to them. Maybe invite her over to yours and watch Kim and Aggie with her. Then you can move your conversation to how her house could be assumed a health hazard and a sign that something is wrong, explain that she could lose custody because the judge may see her ex's home as a healthier and more pleasant environment for the kids.

If that doesn't send her into cleaning mode, then she doesn't deserve them.

Original poster
mumof3sons · 24/11/2013 12:53

I haven't been to the house since Christmas as she lives 2 hours away from me. So I can't just pop round with a duster. People have tried to help, though.

OP posts:
farrowandbawl · 24/11/2013 12:57

If you haven't been to the house for nearly a year, what makes you think that she hasn't sorted the mess out already?

flippinada · 24/11/2013 13:13

If it's at the point where she might lose her children and she's asking for your honest opinion then give it.

Although yes, if you haven't been there for a year, how do you know she hasn't sorted it?

MyMILisfromHELL · 24/11/2013 13:17

Daniel Pelka's house was immaculately clean.

Just saying...

Why didn't you offer to do the housework, while dropping a few hints along the way?

MyMILisfromHELL · 24/11/2013 13:18

Could your friend be suffering from depression.

flippinada · 24/11/2013 13:32

I mean about the tidiness (or not) of the house , not whether she's a fit mother or not.

It could be that she is overwhelmed/depressed and is not managing well on her own with two young children. There could be issues relating to the split with her ex. What sort of support does she have?

CoffeeTea103 · 24/11/2013 13:33

If telling her would help get her being described as unfit parent and getting her kids back then I would. If it meant her kids and her being together over our friendship then I would have to sacrifice that. She could be in depression and need help, but not know where to start.

Original poster
mumof3sons · 24/11/2013 16:18

In fairness I don't know for a fact the house hasn't changed but from this response from her ex I don't think it has. Her ex paid for a cleaner but the cleaner refused to go back after one day. It was much too big a job for one person over one day over Christmas and maybe I was too polite - I was too shocked to say anything to be honest.

I don't think she's depressed, she just genuinely doesn't seem to see what everybody else sees.

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 24/11/2013 17:01

I would say, well let's make sure he doesn't have a leg to stand on, let's start of getting your house immaculate. Maybe???

farrowandbawl · 24/11/2013 18:01

So you believe her ex over your friend? So have you actually spoken to her ex or your friend, I'm confused.

Anyway,

If you haven't seen the state of the house, by your own eyes recently, you are not really in a position to say anything about it really even if you want to.

Go over, talk about the case with her and then you can see if the house warrents a mention or not - if it does, tell her that they will look at EVERYTHING about her life including the house - "so give them as little as possible to go on and I'll give you a hand in getting it sorted".

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 24/11/2013 18:06

Agree wth forever. Your friend needs to be told but it is just the way that you do it. After all would you like your DC living in a house like that?

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 24/11/2013 18:10

Why don't you plan a pre-xmas visit to your friend and take it from there.

slendermen2222 · 24/11/2013 19:03

You are NOT her friend! You would see her children taken from her and her life destroyed based on the cleanliness of her house alone?

Step back, consider your post and do the woman a favour. You do not like her, you want to hurt her feelings, on the basis of one visit.

I pray I never have friends like you!

CombineBananaFister · 24/11/2013 19:10

If she was a friend who you saw regularly it seems odd that you are surprised by her untidiness ? I think if you want to help her keep her children then maybe broach the subject in a 'offering to help' sort of way.

It sounds like like she is more of an aquaintance though so I would probably stay out of it if you don't know who would be the better parent - let them sort it out.

YABU to just mention that you agree with the ex though-it serves no purpose?!? unless you're worried about the dcs safety.

springytickly · 24/11/2013 19:12

Don't be daft slender.

some people have a disorder - inverted house dysmorphia? - and they just don't see that they live in absolute filth. I have a friend like it. Dead creative... but her house, dear me. It's unbelievable. There is no way you'd know unless you went in there. There is no indication in her public life that she lives like that. It's not normal mess but out of this world mess and filth.

If people have tried to help then you'd probably be pissing in the wind to try to say something. I would say something though. You may risk losing her but you could insist that a good friend would say it straight, and that you're prepared to help her if it means the difference between keeping and losing her kids.

Awful situation for all concerned Sad

Original poster
mumof3sons · 24/11/2013 19:15

I don't think my last message sent sorry.

slenderman - you can like somebody as a person but recognise as a parent they lack certain qualities. She is not a bad person but her house is terrible. People have tried to help but it's a bit of a circle: her parents/ex/new DP step in when it gets too bad so she's never had to do it herself.

I live a 4 hour round trip away: I don't have the money or the time to pay a visit! Awful as it sounds I think she needs to see it through detached eyes - she's convinced it's a "normal" messy house: it isn't!

OP posts: