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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take a picture of this and give it to him on Christmas Day

31 replies

hiho84 · 23/11/2013 23:48

Ok so abit of background. Dh has a well paid job. I work part time and earn very little.In theory it bbalance s as I pick up most of childcare etc etc.
He is a keen collector of an item. He probably spends 200 to 300 per year on this hobby.
So yesterday he mentioned that a item he wanted was on sale . It was above our budget for xmas but I said me and dc could get it for hi. He replied that he could get it as a treat from his bonus as he works hard yadda yadda. Now I would normally accept this but he has already treated himself to 300 pounds worth of this stuff.
Yet when I suggested that Iwanted to join a gym whch included free swimming for dc he was really negative about it.
Also he brought himself a tablet computer last year from his bonus. I got one but as a birtday present from him, his parents and siblings.
Another year I received a camera as a birthday present. Dd accidently broke it and dh wanted to buy me a replacemt as my Christmas present.
So there is alot of history here
Aibu

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 23/11/2013 23:54

I think you need to remember your an adult so shouldn't really be so hung up on gifts,

And he needs to learn to share.

AgentZigzag · 23/11/2013 23:56

Have I missed it or have you?

Where does the picture come into it? Confused

Leaving that bit out, it does sound a bit unfair of him to spend that much on himself when Christmas is just around the corner (31 days ).

The replacement camera sounds unfair too, why would you want it for another gift?? Is that him being lazy and not wanting to think of something for you, or is he pretending to be trying to save money/useful?

What's he expecting you to get for him on top of getting this item for himself?

DropYourSword · 23/11/2013 23:56

A picture of what?

SaltaKatten · 23/11/2013 23:57

You should invoice him for childcare.

ArtexMonkey · 23/11/2013 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllaFitzgerald · 24/11/2013 00:00

Do you mean a picture of your post, so he can see the point you're making?

AgentZigzag · 24/11/2013 00:00

'He replied that he could get it as a treat from his bonus as he works hard yadda yadda.'

What Artex says does make that look pretty shit, why do you usually go along with that?

Why doesn't he want to treat everyone not just himself?

Where's your fucking bonus??

foreverondiet · 24/11/2013 00:01

Have no idea what your are on about. Photos of what? Don't see a problem with a camera. Yours was broken so he suggested new one.

However I think need to suggest that if he has spare money from bonus some of it should be for you to spend, as him working long hours has an impact on you too.

re: gym and swimming - perhaps need to discuss cost - is this similar in price to his hobby?

AgentZigzag · 24/11/2013 00:02

Shock I didn't mean that to sound like you should get a fucking bonus, that would be outrageous Grin

Original poster
hiho84 · 25/11/2013 11:00

Mean a picture of the item he purchased. Gym membership is less than cost of his hobby (well 2 hobbies) plus it also benefits our children too.

OP posts:
Original poster
hiho84 · 25/11/2013 11:01

O he does treat children too. Just feel like I come last.

OP posts:
Original poster
hiho84 · 26/11/2013 00:26

An update. He has agreed it can be a Christmas present from me but still expects gifts from dc. I a happy with that.
However, inlaws have now made out I am a big bad witch for not getting him an xmas gift. The same inlaws who smiled indulgently when he mentioned the £200 item he brought himself just before mothers day. And when I joked that I was owed a mothers days gift I was told that now I was pregnant with our third child that I should forget about such things. Thinking about it I now know why he thought it acceptable to go shopping whilst I was recovering from my latest csection to buy gifts from new baby to other dc snd himself. I didn't even get a bar of chocolate. Now I know I suggested gift idea but he spent £100 on dc and £100 on himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
hiho84 · 26/11/2013 00:32

I guess part of the problem is our differing attitude to xmas gifts. In my family we always take time to think about what the other person would like and rarely ask for specific items. It means we put thought into it. Dh and his family reel offl lists of whst they want. I suppose I just feel he should know me well enough to get me a thoughtful gift. Rather than thinking o I will just replace a previous broken gift or get her something I just brought myself anyway. Well a cheaper version of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
hiho84 · 26/11/2013 00:33

O and the Mothers Day incident was the day we announced our pregnancy. Not an easy day for me as I lost my own mum a year before.

OP posts:
PTA · 26/11/2013 00:43

It's not about the gifts is it? That is just a sympton of the bigger problem. You are not a partnership. That's what marriage should be about, equal partners who make joint decisions about joint finances regardless of who earns what.

You are indulging and enabling this behaviour and his parents are condoning it.

I would not be asking for a gym membership, I'd go do it if the finances allowed for it and the added bonus would be that the dcs benefit. In additon, it would not be a present, Christmas, birthday, Mother's Day or any other day that you care to name.

steff13 · 26/11/2013 01:15

So, you want to give him a picture of an item he already bought himself and give him the picture as his Christmas gift? To be sarcastic or to make a point? What is the item?

Original poster
hiho84 · 26/11/2013 01:28

Won't do that now he has confirmed it is his Christmas present. It is lego.

OP posts:
Original poster
hiho84 · 26/11/2013 01:32

O and I did join gym in the end. Still moans about cost. Doesn't get that it is ldss than he spends on his hobbies.

OP posts:
Alipally1 · 26/11/2013 02:19

I agree with PTA, it is a symptom of a bigger problem. Why not tell him in a calm and straightforward manner (apparently men have problems understanding what women are inferring) why you feel that he does not value your contribution to the family? Make sure it's a time when you have his undivided attention though. And if it's important to you, and upset you, that he didn't buy you a mothers' day present or 'new mother' present, tell him so and tell him why. He has bought you nice gifts in the past, and did act on your suggestion to buy dc a present from your new baby, so that's a +ve to bring to the conversation. But don't 'joke' or 'suggest' or whinge, be assertive and equal; you need to take joint decisions about money matters. Discuss calmly why gifts are such a big issue and why you feel it's unfair that he financially dominates your relationship. Perhaps you could agree to have gym membership for you and the children AND indulge his hobby out of the bonus, in return for significantly reducing the amount you spend on the wider family at Christmas, including his family and your children? It is only one day after all. Couldn't you agree to do something together like going out for a meal for a joint present at Christmas? It might help to reconnect with each other. If nothing else, agree not to discuss your personal issues with the in-laws; it's none of their business and it doesn't help. And they may not like being used by both of you to score points off each other. Sorry, I should have been kinder …. but it's late!!! And I am really sorry to hear about your Mum; don't underestimate how that will still affect what you're going through now, and how important it is to have a family member or friend supporting you day-to-day. Best wishes.

Morloth · 26/11/2013 02:34

I think your relationship sounds like very hard work.

daisychain01 · 26/11/2013 03:23

I think someone needs to grow up and be more mature about Christmas.

What is he, 6?

Maybe get him a dummy and a teddy (for him to throw out of his pram (whaaaaaaaa!!!!)

plummyjam · 26/11/2013 04:17

Have I got this right - your DH's hobby is Lego?? And he spends £300 a year on it?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/11/2013 04:26

Lego? What a loser. A selfish loser

Dolcelatte · 26/11/2013 05:20

What on earth has all this got to do with your in laws?

He sounds like a mummy's boy who needs to grow up. You also sound a bit immature TBH. You sound like siblings squabbling over toys rather than adults with children .

Is it possible for you to earn more so you are not quite so dependent on him?

Jinty64 · 26/11/2013 05:24

The whole relationship sounds a bit of a mess. In our family we don't buy Christmas gifts for adults. Santa brings gifts for the children with a little help from us If dh or I want something for ourselves we look at the finances and, when we are able, we get it.

I find the idea of a grown man playing with Lego slightly strange but that's probably just me. If you can afford it then whatever. If you can't agree like adults then you need to look at your finances so that you have the same spending money each then you can buy what you can afford.

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