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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me vs. DP on marriage - who is being unreasonable?

166 replies

MollyMatey · 23/11/2013 20:59

DP and I have been together for about 6 years, we have a 3 year old together and a baby on the way. We currently rent a house. When we first met I earned more than DP (though still a low wage) as he had a business that hadn't really taken off and earned basically nothing.

A few years later and he earns more than twice as much as me, my wage is still pretty low (around £16k) and not a "career" job. Childcare is a chunk of money now and for the new baby will be £40-£60 a day. Our plan is to buy our own house in the next 3 or so years, which requires a lot of saving, and DP and I have discussed whether it is worth me continuing to work in the short term when we might be financially better off if I take care of all the childcare/home admin therefore allowing DP to build his business and work/earn as much as possible.

I would like to retrain in the next few years, which will probably involve going back to uni once the baby is at pre-school/school. So this kind of fits with the timeline of me staying at home for the next 3 or so years, saving, buying a house.

All good so far, BUT - if I'm to stop working and be financially dependent on DP, and buy a house together, I feel I need the protection of being married. Is this correct? AIBU?

DP is flat out, dead against getting married Hmm In fact he says fine, I should keep my job, he'll work less, we'll keep renting.

When we met, neither of us wanted to get married in the future. I was 24 btw, so when I said I had no intention of ever getting married it was true at the time. He feels that I have somehow reneged on a promise by changing my mind on this as my circumstances have changed.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 23/11/2013 21:07

Neither
Not getting married is as valid a desire as getting married.
However I wouldn't give up the job and not be married. You'll lose equitable claim on joint assets in line with how much more he's paying into them etc.
However, and as distasteful as it might seem to most, he's said he's happy for you to stay working if it means remaining unmarked so at least he's being upfront with that.
You might not like the choices he's left you with but he's been upfront and you now have a decision to make.
He hasn't said "give up the job and well get married in a year or two" leaving you up a creek

Mouthfulofquiz · 23/11/2013 21:08

I think being married is nice and I can't ever really understand people's arguments against it. In my mind I just feel glad that I'm married and feel secure in the partnership it brings. If the marriage is 'right' then no-one feels trapped - its actually liberating in a way. What's he so worried about?

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/11/2013 21:10

You haven't reneged on a promise; you now have two kids [well, soon will have] and will be giving up a potential career. If his suggestion is to give up work then you need the security - if that's what you need then that's what you need.

MrsGarlic · 23/11/2013 21:11

I can see his point - you had a child and got pregnant again with him before getting married and he can rightly feel YOU are the one who changed your mind. Don't use your age as an excuse either, at 24 I was married with a baby.

But that said I don't think YABU for wanting the security of marriage. Neither is he BU for not wanting to get married (and he sounds pretty firm on that, and he has always been upfront with you about it).

So the question is: where do you go from here?

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 23/11/2013 21:15

I was dead against marriage until I had children.

It scared me that I had 2 children with DH but I would have no control over the What' ifs in life.

Marriage is alot more than a piece of paper.

DH had a work accident a few months a go, once I got to a&e they took me seriously, where previously when he was involved in a RTA and I said I was his partner they asked who was his next of kin

Rhubarbgarden · 23/11/2013 21:15

Personally I would call his bluff and agree to keep working and renting. But that's because marriage is important to me and I would not be willing to give up my financial independence for someone who was unwilling to promise to stick around for the long term. Then again, I wouldn't have had children in those circumstances either - personal thing, not saying anyone else should feel that way.

ivykaty44 · 23/11/2013 21:19

strange that he would have children with you but not marry you and make a partnership to bring up those dc, but in the same token strange that you should have dc with him when you were not married and had a partnership outlined and that added security. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though

WhoNickedMyName · 23/11/2013 21:24

In this situation, I'd keep on working if I were you. But then again I wouldn't have children with someone without marriage being on the cards at some point in the future. As PP's have said, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Pearlsaplenty · 23/11/2013 21:27

If he is against marriage and you feel you need it for security if you give up work, then I think you need to keep on working.

If this means you continue renting then so be it.

But I don't see why you can't continue your plan to buy and then you can contribute to the mortgage and be a joint owner with dp.

He has managed to build his business successfully while you have been working so I don't think you staying at work will be a barrier to you buying a home Confused

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2013 21:28

I don't understand why he thinks being married is a bigger commitment than creating 2 human beings together.

bimbabirba · 23/11/2013 21:29

What are his reasons for not being married? At the end of the day it can only bring advantages to you both so if it's just a formality, why not? I would definitely not stop work in your situation though, marriage or not marriage

Original poster
MollyMatey · 23/11/2013 21:29

I don't feel that DP is uncommitted at all, and don't expect him to leave or marriage to make our relationship more committed/stable.

For him, he disagrees with marriage as a point of principle and is one of those people that once he's made a decision about something, doesn't like to change his mind.

For me, I don't object to the principle of marriage (though before the prospect of being a SAHM with two children I thought it was unnecessary and irrelevant) but mostly I want to protect myself.

OP posts:
Jenny70 · 23/11/2013 21:33

Is he anti marriage, or anti wedding - because making children is far bigger committment.... but gives you security to have that paper. Can he be clear which element of marriages he wants out of? Fidelity, committment, or the fuss and spectacle off ceremony...

Mouthfulofquiz · 23/11/2013 21:34

What is the 'principle of marriage' though? Partnership? Legally bound together? It means a lot of different things to different people but I don't understand what there is to disagree with especially when you have children.
If you are married with no kids, you can divorce and never ever have anything to do with that person again. Once you have children you are pretty much intertwined whether you stay together or not.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/11/2013 21:35

If you want to protect yourself and he won't marry then you need to maintain your career. It's too risky to give up working to be a SAHM without the protection of marriage

Writerwannabe83 · 23/11/2013 21:35

My sister had two children with a man, thought the relationship was forever etc but they didn't get married.

Now, 10 years down the line, he has had an affair and they broke up. The house is in his name and he earns a far better wage than my sister. He has now moved his new woman into the house he once shared with my sister whilst she and their two children are sleeping in the spare room of a friends house. She has no money and nowhere to live.

YANBU - I'm a big believer that security is needed!!! Nobody likes to think relationships will ever break up or turn nasty, but they do. You need to make sure you and the children are protected.

Original poster
MollyMatey · 23/11/2013 21:35

Pearlsaplenty - not necessarily a barrier to buying a home, but me working would mean my income being almost equal to childcare and travel costs, children being in long days in nursery/after school clubs and DP probably having to do some childcare (so less work time). All in all, just a less than ideal scenario for all of us especially as my current job has limited career progression and is not what I really want to do with my life.

OP posts:
EllaFitzgerald · 23/11/2013 21:37

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. You knew his feelings on marriage when you first got together, so he hasn't lied to you or misled you. And you're being entirely sensible not wanting to give up your financial security. I'd feel exactly the same in your position.

Will your name be on the deeds of the property? I think I'd be inclined to get some legal advice on exactly where I'd stand financially in the event of a split and make my decision from there. There's the potential for both of you to feel a lot of resentment towards each other in the future if this isn't handled properly.

leafygreens · 23/11/2013 21:38

Why would a DP of six years not want to marry the mother of his two children, especially when they are planning to buy a house in which to raise their children together? Hmm

OP - YADNBU. I find his stance bizarre. He wants you to give up work and do all the housework and childcare but refuses point-blank to marry you?! Charming, and IMHO controlling.

If you cohabit and split up, he's legally only obliged to pay maintenance for the children.

But if you're married, the law starts with the assumption that you own everything 50/50 (house, pensions, savings, income etc) and any settlement is usually weighted in favour of the children's primary carer as the kids are the court's first priority.

I hope you can work it out and get married.

SoonToBeSix · 23/11/2013 21:38

I don't understand how someone would commit to having children together but not get married. Children are a far bigger commitment. What are his reasons for not wanting to get married?
Yanbu btw

scottishmummy · 23/11/2013 21:42

You protect yourself by being solvent and having employment skills not by being housewife
Being unwaged,dependent on a male wage is no protection
And you cannot compel him to marry you.married or not you have two kids he'll always be responsible for

Thurlow · 23/11/2013 21:43

Not getting married is perfectly valid. DP and I have been together 13 years, one DC and a house, and are very decidedly not married. Neither of us are whole comfortable with the concept for many reasons.

However we have always agreed that as much as we don't want to be married, if one of us seriously affected our future earning or career by giving up work for childcare reasons, we would get married just for future safety. Well, that is.until the law changes. And I wouldn't tell a.soul we were married either

FunnyRunner · 23/11/2013 21:44

I can't claim to understand the whole anti-marriage thing either, especially once children come along. When people are child free it's all very philosophical and people can be as self-indulgent as they like.

But when children come along I think it really is in everyone's interests to have certain basic legalities sorted. Either through marriage or through some kind of voluntary legal undertakings (if such a thing exists). Your current situation is a prime example of why.

Your DP sounds like a sulky child. 'Be like that - keep working and we'll never own a permanent home together.' He sounds like a tool. He also sounds like he's keeping his options open and waiting to see if someone better paid comes along. Sorry if that's hurtful - I really don't mean it to be. I just get really angry when I see these great 'principled stances' which actually boil down to protecting the higher earner's assets and potentially shafting the lower earner.

Whatever you do, don't quit your job - unless it is to begin studying for a better paid 'career' type job.

Babanouche · 23/11/2013 21:45

OP I understand where you're both coming from. If the ideal scenario is for you to stay home and feel protected, can't you both go to a solicitor and have a contract drawn up - a sort of pre pre-nup? It's completely understandable you need to feel protected, surely your OH can't object to that?

WorraLiberty · 23/11/2013 21:46

For him, he disagrees with marriage as a point of principle and is one of those people that once he's made a decision about something, doesn't like to change his mind.

And he's willing to put his principles above your need for security?

Sounds a bit selfish to me

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