Me vs. DP on marriage - who is being unreasonable?

[MollyMatey]

DP and I have been together for about 6 years, we have a 3 year old together and a baby on the way. We currently rent a house. When we first met I earned more than DP (though still a low wage) as he had a business that hadn't really taken off and earned basically nothing.

A few years later and he earns more than twice as much as me, my wage is still pretty low (around £16k) and not a "career" job. Childcare is a chunk of money now and for the new baby will be £40-£60 a day. Our plan is to buy our own house in the next 3 or so years, which requires a lot of saving, and DP and I have discussed whether it is worth me continuing to work in the short term when we might be financially better off if I take care of all the childcare/home admin therefore allowing DP to build his business and work/earn as much as possible.

I would like to retrain in the next few years, which will probably involve going back to uni once the baby is at pre-school/school. So this kind of fits with the timeline of me staying at home for the next 3 or so years, saving, buying a house.

All good so far, BUT - if I'm to stop working and be financially dependent on DP, and buy a house together, I feel I need the protection of being married. Is this correct? AIBU?

DP is flat out, dead against getting married In fact he says fine, I should keep my job, he'll work less, we'll keep renting.

When we met, neither of us wanted to get married in the future. I was 24 btw, so when I said I had no intention of ever getting married it was true at the time. He feels that I have somehow reneged on a promise by changing my mind on this as my circumstances have changed.

My solicitor has been responsible for 7 couples getting married this year! She pointed out the facts.

We just went to make wills- we got onto marriage, which is when she she came up with some of the things I didn't realise.
In case of OP's DP he is already committed if they have property and children in common so the only difference that I can see between a good solicitor and marriage is that marriage is cheaper by far.

Cheaper is of no relevance if he's vehemently opposed to marriage,as he's said
On these type threads for some there seem to be an incredulity that people don't want to marry
And no I don't think any man needs to marry a woman to extend protection or security

Of course they don't but she needs to get protection and solicitors are expensive. What she must do is get it all sorted out.

She's an adult in employment she needs to make her own protection not be hoping a man gives her it

Fair enough scottishmummy, but in that case she needs to work full time. It isn't something I would want to do, I would much rather be at home with young children and make sure that I was legally protected. If we were not married I would get it tied up by a solicitor.

They rent,she wants to buy,he's happy to rent.she wants to marry,he doesn't
She does work but tentatively thinking of giving up.dp doesn't support her giving up work
They need to talk seriously,as on significant issues they're not in agreement

I can agree 100% with that, scottishmummy.

I would go to uni sooner rather than later OP, that way you'll hopefully be earning a decent salary should things change in the future. No way would I ever put myself in a position where I was dependant on another human being financially, especially one so reluctant to commit. Or you could stay at home and charge your dp the going rate for a nanny and housekeeper.

HearMyRoar sorry about your mum. I think you and your DP are being very sensible and practical and it's great that you're on the same page about this. Marriage doesn't have to be about some Disney princess fantasy day at all, you have to be clear-sighted about what it means for you and the advantages it has for you. I remember someone posting on here that they had had a similar very down-to-earth ceremony and moreover had not even told their families they'd done it because they knew they would get all over-excited, start clamouring for a party etc. No need if it's not what either of you wants.

Thanks mellow and Scottish. It has made mortality seem a bit closer.

I think, Scottish that I do agree with you is a strange sort of way. I just haven't expressed it very well. If it was just about me then i would not see the need and would plan to take care of myself, however as their are children involved i do think this is not just about the security of the woman but more importantly the children.

Marriage is certainly not the only option and I think in this case the op needs to discuss it with her dp as a legal formality, like writing a will, alongside the other alternatives. In our case my dp had never really thought of marriage in those terms and once he did he saw that it was the easier option and went with it.

If dp had remained dead set against marriage then I would have insisted on a visit to a solicitor and all the other paperwork that would be needed to make me feel that dd's future would be secure. Doing nothing just would not have been acceptable to me.

Why doesn't he want to marry you? I'm probably not much help here because I wouldn't put myself in the vulnerable position of having babies with a man I wasn't married to, let alone give up my career so his can flourish. Sounds like you want to make a team while he wants to benefit from a team but not actually commit to it. I know of a few men who were anti marriage and then ended up getting married to someone different. Don't give up anything for him and I'd be tempted to say something along the lines you you want the security of marriage before you buy a house together, bit after the horse has bolted.