to think, if you're going to be the sole breadwinner...

[Dovahkiin]

then you might have to be prepared to work a bit harder?

DH and I are both teachers with management responsibilities. I took a year off work to look after 1 year-old DD and am now doing a bit of part-time, mainly to stay sane. We're looking to move back to Europe to be closer to family. As we're thinking of trying for a second, we're only looking for jobs for DH. Trouble is, he's reluctant to apply for jobs that look like they'll be "too much" work e.g. a great opportunity has come up, setting up a new school, and they want the new management to put in some work before their contract starts. This is, apparently, unacceptable. It really isn't - it would just cut into his evenings of slaying fictional beasties on the computer. AIBU to think, if we agreed that I would stay at home and he'd bring in the money, he should be prepared to unbalance his work-life balance a bit more?

And yes, I'm totally the uptight (I prefer 'conscientious'....) one in the relationship and still not totally reconciled to crapping on my career to look after DD, even though I'm loving staying at home with her for the most part. And yes, I fell for DH because he's my polar opposite and he cheers up my otherwise gloomy take on life...

Do I just need to accept that this is who he is, that management isn't really his thing, and go with that as long as we have enough money coming in to be comfortable, or AIBU to expect him to put himself out a bit more? He really does think he works hard...

Sounds like you should rethink the move back to Europe. Have you thought about a move within Asia eg to Hong Kong,Singapore etc where childcare is cheap and plentiful?

I haven't read all of this thread, so apologies if this has been done to death.

Why doesn't the OP look for the FT management job? She sounds more ambitious than her dh.

Discrimination on grounds of pregnancy is unlawful - he could go PT in a less demanding role.

It doesn't have to be men who are the main breadwinners (I am female and always have earned more and worked longer hours than dh).

swapping seems to be the logical solution here. We did - I'm more ambitious and work stress doesn't bother me. DH is happy taking care of DS (4 months) while working very part time from home and already looking forward to trying for DC2 and being full time SAHD then. I miss DS horribly, of course, but it just makes more sense to do it this way.

Why do you want to go back to Europe now? Why

I think it's pretty clear that you're not happy as a SAHP, but you can't micro-manage your husbands work because of that. You chose as a couple to have children and that means sacrifice. If you want to go back to work, fine, but you'll have to fork out for childcare and you may find you resent being at work while your child is being raised by someone else.

DP and I are going to start TTC in the next year or two. When I get pregnant, I'll be giving up my job and becoming a full-time SAHM because we'd be paying out more in childcare than I'd be bringing in (no family to help out). However, I WANT to do this. DP would be miserable if he didn't have his job (he's not a workaholic though) and we both want our kids raised at home by a parent. We're planning 2-3 children and I want to stay-at-home until the youngest is in school, so I'll be out of work for 10-15 years. But, I am aiming to back part-time once the youngest is in school if possible. But, it's what WE want as a couple. If you don't want this, it will breed resentment.

I work full time and my husband is at home full time. It's not always easy this way round either. I'd be unimpressed if dh was constantly pushing me to do more work tbh. Luckily he spends probably too much time reassuring me that I shouldn't aim for the next level up etc unless I feel ready.

It's interesting that you haven't really responded to those who suggest a role reversal. I wouldn't recommend it in your case, actually, as I think you would probably find it difficult not to micromanage your dh as a parent either, which would be a recipe for disaster.

Are you concerned about the finances? Do you have insurance, wills? Do you have some specific financial concern? If not, then YABU and try to appreciate who your dh is

I can understand your frustrations but YABU. Why not change things? Both PT but more hours than you do now? Or you work FT and he works PT? It doesn't have to be "Me. Man, Provide" "You. Woman, nurture."

I think you have chosen a hard path being with someone who doesn't have the ambition you have.

Why not go back to work now and then consider your options when you get pregnant again - this would give you the experience of being a 'full time, outside of home, working mum', & more income so you could save a bit and a bit of a sanity break from being a (mostly) SAHM.

Your DD is one and I know you said you think it's important for you to be at home with her - but note, you didn't say you wanted to be at home with her. Personally I think having a parent at home for the pre-school years is the ideal, but not if that parent resents it. If the parent resents it everyone is happier if both parents work and someone else does the daily grind of looking after the child/ren and the parents & children enjoy the time spent together and tbh 'nursery/nanny/childminder looked after' children do just as well as those with SAHP and the parent retain their sanity (& income/career).