to think, if you're going to be the sole breadwinner...

[Dovahkiin]

then you might have to be prepared to work a bit harder?

DH and I are both teachers with management responsibilities. I took a year off work to look after 1 year-old DD and am now doing a bit of part-time, mainly to stay sane. We're looking to move back to Europe to be closer to family. As we're thinking of trying for a second, we're only looking for jobs for DH. Trouble is, he's reluctant to apply for jobs that look like they'll be "too much" work e.g. a great opportunity has come up, setting up a new school, and they want the new management to put in some work before their contract starts. This is, apparently, unacceptable. It really isn't - it would just cut into his evenings of slaying fictional beasties on the computer. AIBU to think, if we agreed that I would stay at home and he'd bring in the money, he should be prepared to unbalance his work-life balance a bit more?

And yes, I'm totally the uptight (I prefer 'conscientious'....) one in the relationship and still not totally reconciled to crapping on my career to look after DD, even though I'm loving staying at home with her for the most part. And yes, I fell for DH because he's my polar opposite and he cheers up my otherwise gloomy take on life...

Do I just need to accept that this is who he is, that management isn't really his thing, and go with that as long as we have enough money coming in to be comfortable, or AIBU to expect him to put himself out a bit more? He really does think he works hard...

I couldn't live with a man who played computer games every evening.

Maybe you thought he would 'grow up' with time, but that seems unlikely.

You can't stage manage his career just because you've left yours. It sounds to me like it would be better if you worked at least part time. I started getting too involved in my dh's career decisions when he was sole breadwinner, now I work part time I worry about my career and leave him to get on with his.

You cant have it both ways - if you want one parent to SAH then you have to cut your cloth to fit into the salary expectations of the one that is working. In some cases that will be the Dad, in some case the Mum is more ambitious/higher earning potential and the Dad stays at home. There is no point in pretending - the decision to stay at home is likely to impact your future earning potential its not always the case but I'd say more often than not.
You need to make decisions for the long term not just for now - where do you want to be in 5 years - what house, what income level, what job for yourself. And then balance that up against your own - very valid - wishes to stay at home with your DD. Sometimes families are lucky and all those things add up and its OK. Usually families compromise in one place or another.
You cant make decision for your DH, all you can do is take into account his views - he may be quite happy pottering along at the level he is, knowing it gives a decent but not great income but a great work/life balance. If you feel resentment of that better you speak now and either change your plans or learn to accept it.

It can work, having mismatched career ambitions with a SAHP, but generally the parent with the lower ambition needs to be the one to take the career hit. You might be better both going part time, possibly with the view to yours being the primary bread winner role long term. I'd also question if this is the right stage to move.

Have you not considered swapping roles, he could be the SAHP and you could take the fantastic job opportunity? You seem more career-motivated than he does.

It's worked for us, anyway - my computer-game playing unambitious husband reduced his hours to fit around the school runs, and he does most of the day-to-day childcare while I'm at school.

Having said that I am resisting all opportunities to climb the management ladder, as the reason I became a teacher is to teach. I don't enjoy meetings or paperwork so management just does not appeal.

It does sound as if he would make a more relaxed SAHP and enjoy that ...and you'd relish the career. Have you asked him if he'd be happy to do that? You could do, what you'd like him to do job wise (and sounds as if you're up for it) He'd be the SAHP. Swopping roles might make for more sympathy for each other's lives. It does sound as if you don't think he appreciates how hard it is for you.

I am single bread winner and would do anything to redress my work life balance which is not life weighted enough currently. I think your DHs view on it is very long sighted tbh

It appears there is a theme emerging here :). You have indicated how work focused you are. That's great but rather than impose your value onto DH why not really consider shopping roles and reaping the rewards of less resentment building and people happy in their lives

Does he have to take a more senior position in order for you to afford to become a SAHP? If so, then it looks like you're going to be up for a stressful time.

If not, it's not fair to push your DH towards something he isn't comfortable with. Would he find the responsibility of being the sole wage earner too much? I say that as DH and I both decided neither of us wanted that responsibility so we both work (him full-time, me part-time).

I agree with all those saying swap roles. It sounds like you are going to resent him "coasting" whilst you are working part-time. And FWIW, I do NOT think it is easier to be a SAHP than working, though part-time was the only way I could manage it! (DH and I are both teachers too!)

However, it is possible to get to high management roles in teaching without appearing to do much extra work - DH and his best mate are perfect examples of this It is about being efficient - using the time you have in the best possible way, and not making work for yourself by going over the top on faff that doesn't really matter.

Two points

Life has to be a balance of work home. The balance is important for sanity. Teaching is one of those jobs that can just take over.

Secondly you might need a second pair of hands when you have two. Even if you don't he might want to just spend time with his family.

For some couples it does work to have mismatched career ambitions. There are some couples where one partner is more than happy to give up their career and the other is happy to forge ahead and put in a lot more hours in a demanding career to facilitate that

However, I think perhaps its overestimated how many couples are like this. Many people partner someone of similar aspirations and expectations, which isn't surprising really in this day and age. You and your DH were in the same line of work, at the same level which isn't uncommon, many couples meet at Uni or through work and when they decide to Become parents a few years down the line, they don't necessarily want divergent paths

We were in a similar position to you, but what worked for us was for me to continue working 3 days (I didn't want to do full time with pre schoolers) and for DH to continue full time but with far less pressure than if he was sole earner and having to chase promotion. This meant a good balance for us both. DH did half the childcare drops and pick ups, he wasnt coming home at stupid o'clock, and our children were getting time with us both.

I'm not saying you should do what we did- how people organise their relationships and work life balance is up to them- but it's worth thinking about because the message I'm hearing is that your DH is perhaps not quite as content being sole earner as you think, and you are feeling resentful that your career will be affected a lot. If you continue working even just part time, you will be protecting your future career, pension etc

It sounds like whatever discussion you've had, the reality is that neither of you is actually finding things fulfilling right now

Teaching is one of those careers in which the 'career hit' will be short term if you jump back on the band wagon once the kids are of school age. A short career break in teaching is no real loss as it won't hold you back long term.

Some people just don't want to climb that sticky pole of management. In teaching the extra pay often isn't worth the responsibility. I have known many a teacher who has just happily coast in a non management role rather then take up stressful deputy head or head of department roles. Life is more then work.

I think it's easy to say swap roles but if it's true that the husband would be likely to not work as hard I'm not sure I'd want him being a SAHP either.

I look after a child (soon to be children) during the day and also teach p/t. I'm sure anyway who does the same knows the secret to making that work is being pretty organised and self motivated.

It might not suit the husband very well and could cause more problems IYSWIM :)

Dov, you sound absolutely like me (even down to the colour coded revision timetables!). My DP and I have completely different attitudes to work and, again, that is probably the core of why I am with him - he balances out my more uptight tendancies.

To be honest, I have given up encouraging nagging him and have accepted that he will not change. I am disappointed by his lack of ambition but prefer that to the alternative. I am the main earner (and put in the most hours) in the household but I am very clear about what I expect him to pick up (eg I have come down this morning and, despite staying up to watch the cricket he has washed up and tidied the kitchen); and he is in charge of fun and relaxation.

I found the best way to deal with it is to leave it and see what happens - he does surprise me quite often - which makes him great!

It works both ways as well. Yes the husband is facilitating the wife being a SAHP but she is also enabling him to do his job by doing what she does :)

I'm not sure the OP is being entirely unreasonable to want some input into things that affect the whole family. It's a tricky one though.

From what you've initially posted YABVU. However, did the desire for you to become a SAHM come mainly from him or yourself? If him, could you negotiate to going back to work at least part-time If it's something you pushed for, it's not at all fair for you to expect that he exert himself more to make up the financial shortfall.

Yabu

If having to 'rely' on him is making you stressed then I think it might be best to go back to working more than you are at present. So if not full time then maybe 4 days a week or maybe you could both go part time 4 days a week?

I think your attitude might drive a wedge in your relationship, and I'm not blaming you, sometimes it is hard to be dependent on someone else. But remember your dd is only very young for a short time so try not to let these issues associated with childcare/work affect your marriage.

I don't think this is just about work though, OP. Is he getting home in the evening and than spending his time 'slaying mythical beasties' on the computer, rather than doing the things that you would like him to do with the family after he has been at work all day and you have been at home with the DC? Just a thought.

Oh I just realised that you are not planning to work at all! I definitely think you will be much happier and more relaxed about things if you have at least a part time job!

You can't manage his career the way you wish you could manage yours. It will only breed resentment. I think you need to accept that with tough careers and children something hast give. There will be time to climb when thebaby and any further dc are older. Just try to enjoy family life and lay off the pushing until you're able to push yourself again.

Thanks so much everyone.

God, I'm now rethinking everything, including the move back to Europe. We teach in an international school, where, being brutally honest, the expectations of working hours are significantly less than teaching back home while the money's a lot better. In this sense, staying out here in Asia is probably the best option for DH (though not on this rubbish little island...) It's not that we need more money in the new job, it's just difficult finding any jobs in DH's subject back in Europe and if we just focus on the one's beneath his current position, we're really reducing our options. Financially, it might not be possible for one us to stay at home if he went down to being a classroom teacher. Right, off to the TES again...

I don't know if a swap would work for us. We have limited childcare options out here so taking up more part-time isn't that viable, and I did like taking off a whole year with DD and would want to do it again with the next one (despite the mind numbing boredom of much of it). And, as a few of you suggest, I'd probably just spend my time nitpicking how DH did the SAHP role as well...

I can sort of relate to how you feel with having the different types of personalities too!

For DH it actually did take about a year and a half for him to realise properly the huge responsibility of having children dependant on you.

It doesn't happen instantly for everyone. I remember after DD was born getting quite uptight and wondering how the hell he thought he had time to read the same number of books and play games (magic the gathering ffs don't even ask!) when I didn't seem to have time for anything! He was a lot more relaxed than me :)

We've kind of settled somewhere in the middle now and that's good but it took a while :)

With DC2 on the way all of a sudden he's coming home saying he's applying for x/y/z promotion and getting quite excited about it so I'd say his attitude has shifted and he's doing this stuff because he wants to not because I've pushed him into it.

Having said that the job he's in now is one I did encourage him to apply for... so a bit of gentle nudging wasn't all that bad ;)

I think people forget what a culture shock it can be suddenly having a family and some people take longer than others to get used to it straight away. Possibly if mum is at home all day she gets the sense of responsibility first as it's a big life change.

That includes mums who go back to work full time after maternity leave etc... however short the maternity leave is, for that time you're still steeped in caring for a baby all day and possibly that brings home the reality more quickly than for a lot of husbands/partners.

Oh dear x could you face another couple of years it there having an easier time then move back once you've had your 2nd mat leave? Just a thought but does DP feel a bit peeved tat you're getting all the lovely time with dc (and, although it can be boring it's also special and a luxury).

Could he take a sabbatical for a month or 2 while you go back whilst ttc? Maybe the down time and time with dc would make him feel he's getting good a deal? I think if you've got it a little easier out there you should both take advantage of it for maybe a little while longer :-)