to think children don't really care about 'work ethics' and would prefer to have a SAHP?

[Mingnion]

Well aware I'm probably going to get mightily flamed for this but here goes...

I have a 6.5 year old and an 18 month old. My husband that supported us sadly died last year and I plan to stay at home and on benefits until my youngest is at school. I have a degree from Cambridge and will put in what I take out a hundred times over in the future no doubt. We do not have a lavish lifestyle but my children are adequately fed, dressed and are very happy which is more important IMO. Six months ago I found a part-time job and the impact on my children was massive. They were miserable at having to go to nursery and after school clubs and I was miserable as I missed them. Now they are inexplicably happy. I know it is a common opinion that single parents must work so as to teach their children about work ethics but realistically, do you really think children will care? I'd say most children would much rather have a SAHP and in retrospect I'd have preferred my mum to have been home so her work ethics obviously didn't rub off on me. AIBU to think this way and plan to stay at home with my children until my youngest is school age?

This is the first time I have ever seen a Cambridge degree being used as a justification for being more entitled to benefits over those who have not been to such esteemed institutions. Thanks for giving me a laugh.

OP everyone has been sympathetic to your personal circumstances but your later postings just make you appear to have twattish opinions despite your 'excellent' education.

Stay with your children because of their current emotional needs, but I do not see why I should pay for your choice (and yes am a high-rate tax payer) given your superior education relative to other people on benefits.

Yep, a whole Hamelin-worth of the furry buggers.

OP, the job market now is really competitive. As a SAHM with an Oxbridge 1st I have absolutely no illusions about what my time out of the workplace has done to my employability. I do not expect to be able to walk back into a well paid job. As a minimum I suspect I will need to go back to university and retrain in order to be able to compete on a comparatively equal footing other applicants. And returning to the workplace I am unlikely to be able to work the part time / flexible hours that I would ideally like (whereas I migh be able to work this way if I'd negotiated Ts&Cs after mat leave).

So for now I'm at home with the children, but with every year that passes I feel my earning power diminishing -or at least the hoops which I'll have to jump to to get back into the position of having a career that I want and that suits our family increasing.

Stay at home, don't stay at home. I'm genuinely sorry for your loss and can understand your choice. But you're being naive if you thing a Cambridge degree, without significant work experience and with an extended period out of the workplace, is going to count for that much.

Getting back into a decent job is really tough. Yes getting back into work is really tough.

There are odd things that rankle though: my job is not very high status and I get the impression it is looked down on by some of the SAHM's who have had professional careers but have not yet tried to get back into work.

I wish I didn't have to work, I really do. I would love to spend the weekend with my children.

I have a friend who has a first from Oxford and then further qualifications and then years of experience in a highly competitive field. She hasn't worked since retraining in another field and having a baby - so that would be around 10 years total.

I suspect my lovely, talented, clever friend with all her expertise and experience is really not madly qualified at all in the current employment market.

I haven't read all the replies, but I agree that kids would much rather have a SAHP than a working parent.

However, I don't agree that you should live on benefits to do this. Benefits should not be a lifestyle choice for anyone - Cambridge grad or not - they should be a short-term safety net that gets people back into work. Able-bodied people of working age should be self-supporting, not reliant on the state.

We have declared this week "compliments week" in our office so I just want to say to tantrums that you're always the voice of reason on these threads and you sound like a really cool person and I have a feeling I'd really like you in RL (even if your're a shit mum for throwing your DCs into child care but so am I).
You're not in Sarf London by any chance are you?

I have no idea what 'kids' would rather have.

I do, however, know what my kids would rather have.

Ubik1 your post just made me sad.

This is the thing I hate about the SAH/work debate; some work because they want to, some because they have to, some stay at home because they want/have to, but nobody ever has it all - nobody can have it all.

We're all doing the best we can within the circumstances we find ourselves in - I have never regretted staying in work and have progressed significantly because I did, but there were sacrifices I had to make along the way (having to work away etc) which killed me at the time.

The point is that our children love us regardless, their life is their life and is all they know - if we provide them with love, stability, food, clothing, a home, fun times and happy memories then that is what they will remember when they are older and having their own children.

oh wow this thread has defo moved on over night.
I can honestly say op I was half on your side but half not , now I am not too sure lol

but a lil away from the thread suppose as I am just curious.
I posted a thread about quitting work and the reasons behind it, and had lovely advice , but often a poster would say
" I wouldn't mind my taxes going to families like yours "
" your exactly what the benefit system is for "

out of curiosity because what I have read no one has said this to the op .. what does make you worthy of not working if that makes sense.
what makes people have the right to say which mums deserve their tax

hope that makes sense.

Yanbu to do what works for you, that's great.

Yabvu to make assumptions about other people's lifestyles and what works for them. Fwiw my mother was a SAHM but I was never close to her, she wasn't really interested and I am not close to her now. People can be a good or bad parent whether they work or not.

OP I'm your age, an Oxbridge reject though, I went to a different top-level university (doing a subject which employers are always campaigning to get more graduates doing). And I can tell you that it might open doors for interviews sometimes, but no-one cares what you did 5-10 years ago, they want to know what you've done in the last couple of years. So don't assume that an old Cambridge degree will get you very far.

You are of course free to decide that your children need you more now than the three of you need you to have a career, or that you will somehow manage to fund retraining in a few years time, which is fine and entirely your choice.

Doesn't mean the rest of us are making the wrong decision.

Oh and of course not everyone can do a Cambridge degree. To do it you have to be in the top 1% of the country in terms of academic ability, that doesn't make the other 99% lazy by any means. Just because you have weaknesses in areas away from your speciality doesn't mean you aren't talented in that area.

oh yh uk I also agree sometimes I think some of the stahm's who had careers before and high earning husbands now also look down on me for working in Tesco but .... its better than nothing lol

keep your head up high and be proud of what your doing.

A friend of mine was a SAHP for a while, she hated it, it made her very unhappy so she went back to work. I knew that if I went back to work I would be miserable so I didn't

As much as I hate the phrase happy mum happy child I do think its true in a lot of cases

FWIW my mum went to work when I was 8, I went to a childminder til I was about 13/14 and then I was at home by myself.

I don't remember any of it, it has not affected my life one way or the other, I'm pretty positive that if she was alive she would be telling me to get a job

Everyone needs to do the best for your own family, whether that's for mental health, money, whatever

sorry for your loss op, very tough.

I think everyone makes these decisions based on their own personal circumstances and it's really no one else's business to judge or criticise.

we all do what we all think best and sweeping generalisations are always daft.

Do you really believe your precious Cambridge degree will mean much when you've been out of work for so long and so had so little experience in the employment market? I think you're in for a shock!

In fact it may even go against you if people think you're over-qualified / will be bored by the job

did u get pregnant whilst you were studying at Cambridge :/ lol

Also u spefically said social sciences ? at Cambridge uni its actually a degree in human,social and political sciences. The entry levels are extremely high for someone who claims to be really bad at maths as that is listed ? You would of needed an A at a levels !!

oh yes I can read with no degree.

I think you are in for a shock too, with no recent experience, no recent employer references your degree wont make you stand out from other people no matter how posh you think it is. There are younger, more flexible candidates to choose from with no commitments.

Children raised on benefits far less well in life and stats prove this so why anybody would choose it is beyond me.

You are trying to make out you are better than others due to your degree but it makes not a jot of difference. You are able to work but choose not to whilst tax payers have to fund that choice. The very mothers you are slating are providing food for your children as you wont.

A mothers education is what makes kids do well.

Many on benefits are poorly educated.

The op clearly isn't.

As others have said many people on benefits are working.If op got a job she may well still be and not be paying any tax.

Mingnion sorry to hear about your husband. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to lose him.

I don't think you can prescribe for others when choosing your own route though. It is not unreasonable for you to want to stay at home with your DCs but it is not an option for everyone.

My ex-H left us when my DCs were tiny & I wasn't prepared to claim benefits, so I went back to work full-time. It wasn't what I had ever planned or would have chosen for my DCs. Through trial & error I found childcare options that worked for me & the DCs. I made it work.

11 years on, my DCs are really proud of me (when I'm not embarrassing them! ) and they genuinely appreciate everything I've done to keep them housed, clothed etc.

We all have to chose our own path. I think it is dangerous to start saying that "all children would rather have a SAHP."

to be honest happymummyofone I think it makes her almost worse.
lots of people would have dreamed for that sort of education, and seen as she has to rely on benefits i am guessing it was grants and loans from the government that would of put her through university in the first place. if her youngest is 6 my calculations would mean she has barely worked since getting her degree.
so using the fact that you have a degree that you have never used isn't really a solid argument in any way.
As women thought for equal rights and the right for further education and away from stereotypes... she had a great opportunity which unfortuntly for her and her children will be lost.

Her children have less choice as they won't be able to be at home with their dc by the time they are mothers- very sad.

A degree also has value apart from the money/work it sometimes brings in.My dp is in the same field as his degree less sister but earns less.He'd never in a million years swop places.He values both his degrees even though he never uses one of them.