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Original poster

Stepdaughter demands £2000+ to teach English Abroad

48 replies

slowcooker · 20/11/2013 10:54

My Stepdaughter keeps asking my husband to finance her voluntary trip abroad to teach English. It's a lot of money to pay for us at the moment. I'm between jobs (it's more complicated than that).

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should wait and work after her A levels and we can part fund it while she part funds it herself?

Her mum could afford to pay it as well (can't tell much but she came to some money a while ago) Stepdaughter lives full time with her mum while we have stepson full time with us.

My stepdaughter is a bright young lady who has always been very strong academically. Her teachers thought she had a great potential when she finished school. However, things started to go wrong when her mom let her boyfriend move in with them. (That's what I think anyway even though the young man is a good lad)

Now she's at her second year at college and she dropped to two A levels because she doesn't attend but does the work online. (The one A level required attendance as it was demanding)

I need to add that she has counselling for anxiety and I suppose I am empathetic with her condition because I have experienced depression in the past. But is going abroad a solution? She has not demonstrated that she can commit to something like a job or her studies let alone on the other side of the world for the best part of a year?

I know of other kids her age who find jobs in fish and chip shops; there are jobs like that but I don't think she is willing to go for something like that-she turns her nose up a bit...

Sorry there was a lot to fit in, thanks for reading.

OP posts:
thegreylady · 20/11/2013 11:03

Has she done a TEFL course? Is that what the money is for? My ds did this after graduation. It was funded by my mum and led ,eventually , to an excellent career. He has, however, lived abroad for over 20 years now. I thnk your dsd should wait a while. Many English teaching jobs abroad are with adults and as she is pre A level I doubt she could cope with it.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 20/11/2013 11:03

Not sure about the "demanding", but I've known lots of young people who have done the camps run by the British Council - can't remember them costing £2K, but they did have to pay flights + minimal spending money. If its these would very highly recommend them for building confidence, lifeskills and CV.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 20/11/2013 11:06

She needs to at least contribute some if the cost. It's unreasonable to expect you to pay it all. Yes it's a great experience but it's very expensive. If she/you can't afford it then that's just how the cookie crumbles, shit happens

givemeaclue · 20/11/2013 11:08

Think she needs to save up and pay for it herself. If you do want to contribute say you will match what she earns. If she earns 500, you will give her 500 etc

QuintessentialShadows · 20/11/2013 11:14

Is she going abroad to teach English without having completed her A levels?

Should not a trip like that be a carrot dangling infront of a child to get if they do well and work hard, not a treat for not bothering?

Lurkersanonymous · 20/11/2013 11:17

What does your DH think?

Shonajoy · 20/11/2013 11:19

In what way is she "demanding"? I'd be fine part funding it as long as her mother does too, and she contributed something. It sounds like a good incentive.

cozietoesie · 20/11/2013 11:22

What does this £2k represent? Is it fees or something or is it just living expenses while she stays abroad? Because the latter would sound like a delaying tactic/holiday to me.

Oh - and yes. What does your DH think, indeed? And had he discussed it with his ex?

Original poster
slowcooker · 20/11/2013 11:23

Thank you for the replies.

The organisation that she will volunteer with, will train her regarding the teaching English aspect. She keeps badgering to go next September, I told hubby she can work for a bit and we can pay part of it if she went in February instead.

I appreciate it's a great experience and a confidence boost but I just think it's too soon to go just after she finishes her A levels. I think she needs to get a job here and get used to going to a job daily. Besides I will have no job by the end of the month (just looking to start a business at the moment). Bad timing for us as will rely on a loan for a while.

DH is constantly under pressure about this and that!

Unfortunately, with this generation everything is instant, they have no patience and they sulk when you tell them they need to wait for something. I'm sure DH will get a proper earache :(

OP posts:
Mim78 · 20/11/2013 11:24

It would be quite good for her to work and earn at least some of the money for herself, IMO.

She will probably learn more life skills and maturity by doing that than by going off abroad, which although very valuable is essentially fun.

cozietoesie · 20/11/2013 11:26

Where does the young man figure in all this? Is he maybe going abroad to do this as well?

Original poster
slowcooker · 20/11/2013 11:30

Flights, training and insurance will be covered.

I don't think DH has discussed with ex yet. To me it's another 'I want this and I want it now'. It happens often, I'm afraid.

OP posts:
Lurkersanonymous · 20/11/2013 11:30

DH is constantly under pressure about this and that!

No doubt he is, but surely he isn't leaving the decision making to you? Your obvious care for your DSD does you a LOT of credit, and I can see that the actual outlay is not the hot issue as far as you're concerned, but surely to goodness he and his ex should be discussing this?

JammieCodger · 20/11/2013 11:31

I have two nieces who are currently in their gap years, both of whom are currently working to get as much money as possible before going off doing volunteering/travelling in the spring. Their older cousins did the same. So it's not 'this generation'; it's just some, more entitled members of it.

She is being unreasonable.

Original poster
slowcooker · 20/11/2013 11:32

Mim78 very good point and I totally agree and say this to DH.

The boyfriend is 1st year at Uni so don't think he'll go with her. I'd more at ease if he did to be honest as safety in that country worries me a bit.

OP posts:
iwantanafternoonnap · 20/11/2013 11:32

Tell her if she gets A's in her A levels she can have it Grin

I think it will be a great opportunity and I would help my DS out if he wanted to do something like that but I would say she needs to save for some of it. Otherwise she may end up as useless as me with money.

friday16 · 20/11/2013 11:35

Unfortunately, with this generation everything is instant,

Only if their parents give it to them instantly.

FrauMoose · 20/11/2013 11:36

A friend of mine's daughter got selected for a volunteer placement of this type - to start after her A-levels. Many of the other people selected were graduates.

The 18 year old ended up being really really unhappy. She found it very hard being in a place where there was only electricity for a few hours a day, there were no shops, and she couldn't eat the sort of food she was used to. She did manage to complete the larger part of her placement, but returned to the UK early - and not in great physical or mental shape.

I'd say that although these experiences may help you to grow up, it also helps if you're reasonably mature before you get out ther.

Original poster
slowcooker · 20/11/2013 11:38

JammieCodger I should not have generalized! You are right. I find that my step kids and some of their peers are less patient. The fact that we (in our household) share different values than at that of their mum's has not helped their character forming.

She will ask for money from grandmothers as well she says!! Anything but do a hard day's work

OP posts:
mummymeister · 20/11/2013 11:45

just say no. its a complete sentence. no. if she already suffers with anxiety how is this going to be helped by going away from home to a country where she doesn't speak the language with no family support and no boyfriend. she will be back home within weeks and it will be someone elses fault that it didn't work. if she wants to go she is an adult and she needs to do some saving up for it by working over the summer. she needs to prove to you that this investment of £2000 is worth it and will bring her real tangible life benefits and isn't just something she is doing because college is pants and she cant be bothered. she is probably looking at the boyfriend and wishing it was her but knowing it wont be if she wont work. She lacks commitment she is a butterfly and I guarantee that if you don't sort this out now then in 15 years time you will be posting on here about another course she wants to go on and how this will the one that makes it for her.

Iamsparklyknickers · 20/11/2013 11:46

Putting the money issue aside, I would want some kind of reassurance that she'd really thought this through and had some kind of solid experience to know that it was really something she would be able to cope with. Living away from home and teaching in another country is a massive thing to leap into with nothing but your naivety.

Does she do anything at the moment that links in with this? Volunteering for Brownies or a youth club? At least if you find it's not for you on home ground it's not such a huge thing to back out of.

I think my conditions would be a real demonstration of a commitment to the idea with an offer to match what she earns and a bit of volunteer experience that relates to what she'll be expected to do on the program

Original poster
slowcooker · 20/11/2013 11:46

Trust me we don't give to them instantly... only to have their mom slag us off as well.

DH is a GREAT dad. I had a baby with him (I wouldn't have had if he was rubbish and didn't care about the other two) 100% dedicated to his kids

It pains me to see him under the pressure they put him sometime, though.

FrauMoose that worries me indeed because she is not in a great frame of mind from what she says. Not showing up at college because of anxiety... so how is she going to manage a trip abroad? and work?

OP posts:
Original poster
slowcooker · 20/11/2013 11:52

mummymeister I could have written all that myself!!!!

I'm pleased to hear that it's not just me who thinks this way. It's easy to make dreams ( I love dreams) but hard to work towards achieving them! And dreams need some hard work to become reality.

Iam... knickers that is a good point. She volunteered at shop on a Saturday but that's it that's stopped as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
slowcooker · 20/11/2013 11:53

Thank you all for your contribution. You have helped me immensely.

OP posts:
Terrortree · 20/11/2013 11:57

Living abroad is more than just sun and fun, it upends your whole way of life, limits your ability to communicate and can be very isolating. If your DSD has anxiety, and is struggling to cope whilst here, then going abroad will excerbate her feelings, and not remedy them.

Culture Shock induces feelings of extreme highs and lows, particularly when its your first or second secondment. The more countries you get through, the amount the extreme aspect of it lessons. Homesickness is very real when you are far away as well. I've spent my whole life moving countries so I'm quite resilient - however it doesn't stop me being affected by change, I'm just very good at dealing with it. It depends on your personality but no one is immune.

I would be very cautious about spending 2K to learn to teach English. Is it a recognised and accredited qualification, e.g. CELTA or Trinity Cert? These courses are around 1K in the UK, but obviously if she is doing it in Spain or France, it'll be around 2K when board and flights are taken into account. She will need to be 18 to do it anyway.

If that is the career she would like to follow long term, she will find it difficult to get work with the major recruiters in the industry unless she has a recognised accredited qualification. Also, many countries, but not all, require a graduate degree before giving a working visa. There are a lot of 'independent' teacher trainers making a fast buck out there, I'm afraid. There are a lot of dodgy schools as well.

A lot of people find that teaching is a very demanding job, which is made much harder when you are a novice, and add in trying to cope with an unfamiliar place, people and language. It is a very rewarding challenge, but not easy to accomplish.

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