Stepdaughter demands £2000+ to teach English Abroad

[slowcooker]

My Stepdaughter keeps asking my husband to finance her voluntary trip abroad to teach English. It's a lot of money to pay for us at the moment. I'm between jobs (it's more complicated than that).

Am I being unreasonable to think that she should wait and work after her A levels and we can part fund it while she part funds it herself?

Her mum could afford to pay it as well (can't tell much but she came to some money a while ago) Stepdaughter lives full time with her mum while we have stepson full time with us.

My stepdaughter is a bright young lady who has always been very strong academically. Her teachers thought she had a great potential when she finished school. However, things started to go wrong when her mom let her boyfriend move in with them. (That's what I think anyway even though the young man is a good lad)

Now she's at her second year at college and she dropped to two A levels because she doesn't attend but does the work online. (The one A level required attendance as it was demanding)

I need to add that she has counselling for anxiety and I suppose I am empathetic with her condition because I have experienced depression in the past. But is going abroad a solution? She has not demonstrated that she can commit to something like a job or her studies let alone on the other side of the world for the best part of a year?

I know of other kids her age who find jobs in fish and chip shops; there are jobs like that but I don't think she is willing to go for something like that-she turns her nose up a bit...

Sorry there was a lot to fit in, thanks for reading.

Do you mind if I ask where she is proposing to teach English?

Please research the charity or organisation that is arranging this placement, an awful lot of them are very poorly coordinated with little benefit to the communities they are supposed to be helping. More often or not the thousands of pounds that are demanded for payment go into the pockets of local ‘fixers’ rather than to aid front line operations. I spent 10 months last year travelling around Africa and encountered a lot of aid workers/NGOs/UN and gap year volunteers, especially in West Africa. There was some wonderful work carried out by dedicated and dare I say professionally qualified workers while at the other end of the spectrum there were some appallingly organised ‘aid programmes’. The latter seemed to be where most of the teenager volunteers went and I really can’t see what benefit they were to the local communities. Most of these volunteers were basically treating it as an exotic holiday, spending half their time getting drunk, smoking weed and shagging other volunteers. Yes, some spent a few hours in the classroom ‘teaching’ but what I saw of these lessons was an exercise in embarrassment as more often than not the local pupils had a better command of English/Maths then these supposed teachers. You will be told that the two thousand odd pounds that you pay will be for accommodation, food and transport, the reality is that the volunteers are crammed into a house share with poor facilities. Good quality food and transport really cost very little in these places, the rest of the money will be going into someone pocket, or ‘administration charges’. There are some good organisations out there, but many more bad ones, please find out as much as possible about the one your SDD is considering.

One thing many developing world countries is not short of and that is unskilled labour and I find the idea of western kids being sent over to build wells and paint walls when there would be dozens of locals willing to do that for a few dollars a day a bit morally bankrupt to be honest.

The fact that we (in our household) share different values than at that of their mum's has not helped their character forming

You sound like a good person Cooker and I appreciate you are probably just venting here, but please try not to go down the route of implying that if only she were your daughter things would be very different. Nothing is likely to sour relationships between an ex and a current more than this ime! And if DSD p[icks up on this she may well strat playing you off against each other!

It doesn't sound to me as though she's a suitable candidate for this type of GAP experience at the moment.
I totally agree with mummymeister that she's seeing it as a cop out from a situation she's not dealing with.

It's hard for both you and DH if you're catching flack, not only from her, but from her DM as well. You'd hope all the adults could be united and helping her to follow a course that's best for her.

I have a DD who refuses to understand the carrot and the stick method. She wants the carrot before she puts in the effort. It ends up at stalemate, as I'm not shifting on it.

If a £2,000 outlay is the right thing for her, then I suggest you see if you could raise £400 with £400 also coming from her mother and each set of Grandparents (I think I read she has both and they might help?) Guess what balance that leaves to be found? and I think it's clear and fair where that should come from.

Apologies for skim reading, I can see others have made very similar points.
I've missed how long this trip would be for, so just a word of caution about frantic calls and emails home about having run out of money. I've known that happen many times too.

I would say 'no'. I don't think she could handle it if she has anxiety issues and can't even manage to get to college to do the a levels she's taking now. It'll all end in tears I think. It's a lot of money to waste if she rings you up after a couple of weeks 'demanding' to come home and it's not like you can just nip up the road and collect her.

A really good post CuChullain with very important points.

I didn't even consider going as far as the actual trip because to me it sounds like the kind of situation where if the girl isn't given all the money, without any effort on her behalf, she'll lose interest anyway.
That might be unfair, I'm just going on past experience of situations that seem similar.

Has she thought about grants/sponsorship?
I applied to a local trust as well as a charity promoting Japanese/ English relations when did a voluntary gap year in a hospital in japan. I think I got about £1000 in sponsorship. Princes trust is another good one I think x

My DD works for a large pharmaceutical retailer, and last year earned £500 working as a temp over Christmas holidays. She worked every weekend, plus a couple of extra days, like christmas eve, boxing day etc.

This year, a job came up locally for the same retailer, and she was accepted almost straight away, now works 6 days a month (sundays and alternate saturdays) , earns around 300 a month.

SHe is doing 4 really hard A levels - math, english, physics and chemistry.

Your DSD needs to get herself a job and hold it down until next september - so you can be sure she can commit to hard work doing tedious stuff when she would rather be out with her mates. If she hasnt the drive to do it now, theres no way she will stick with it once family safety net is removed in a foreign country.

Id also make it clear that once she is working, you will no longer finance....x for her - be that Uni, a car, a family holiday. So she can have the 2k, but that it - bank of dad closed. Otherwise she will be tapping you for cash when she comes home with her tail between her legs.

Hi, I'm a TEFL teacher and have been doing it on and off since 18, but only now abroad.

Based on what you've said about your dsd and her character, in your position I'd suggest a compromise and offer to fund/lend her money for an accredited CELTA course in her home town or nearby. International House in London's costs about £1k, and is very hard work and not for the faint hearted. It requires a lot of commitment for a month and will require a certain level of maturity and confidence to teach people your own age and older than you. If she sticks at it and succeeds, she will have no difficulty getting a job off her own back in any country, for years to come and will make the money back. She could even teach in a summer school in the uk for 4 weeks (how I started) and make the money back to pay you back or to fund a trip abroad.

You have to be really careful with train on the job type placements as they can be very costly and the qualifications are not normally recognised outside of that organisation.

I'm with the majority here. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself. Starting with getting a job, instead of expecting you to finance her flights of fancy!

Yes it would be fair enough for her to part-fund it. You could make a deal that if she raises X you will also contribute Y.

CuChullain - sorry to derail - I spotted this

"One thing many developing world countries is not short of and that is unskilled labour and I find the idea of western kids being sent over to build wells and paint walls when there would be dozens of locals willing to do that for a few dollars a day a bit morally bankrupt to be honest."

This is something I have always wondered about and as you seem to know about it may I pick your brains...?
It has always seemed to me odd that we should be asked to sponsor some, I don't know, slightly overweight pushing middle-age marketing person* to go to Africa and .... do physical things... why? At our expense? Is there not some way I could put that money to use by paying some local person a decent wage to do their own labour, maybe the money would go further there and would keep a family for a while, and the middle aged marketing person I know could pay for their own holidays? Or is that a very cynical view?

*disclaimer I am slightly overweight, middle aged and not very useful either - maybe this is why my friends are like this

I agree with Cuchullain. It doesn't sound like she'd be a brilliant asset to her students at this point, she sounds far too young, immature and inexperienced to be the decent teacher any student deserves.

If she cannot manage to leave the house for college how does she think being abroad and working will be different?

Hope all works out ok for you all.

I don't think you can necessarily say that she won't be able to cope with this though.
At universtiy there was a lad in my year who left after 4 weeks due to severe homesickness. Really couldn't cope at all. Once he was back home and coping, he went on a 6 month trip round various places with a volunteer group. We all were and saying that he wouldn't cope. But we got postcards from several places, and he managed, by the end he was enjoying it!
The next year he came back to university and was fine.

But I don't think giving £2000 is right. I think matching what she's earned is the best (and not matching what she's badgered out of others either)

Going abroad sounds like a clean break and lots of potential fun. She is going to be working though so it won't be a picnic. If she lives at home with mum she hasn't stood on her own two feet yet. Preparing lessons whilst shopping in a foreign country and doing the normal humdrum chores without a cosy network of family and friends is tough. Punctuality and being organised are essential. Complete concentration whilst holding everyone's interest is demanding. Not all pupils are eager to learn and compliant.

I think DH can applaud the idea of this venture but has to push the idea of her working and coping with responsibility over here first.

Hi youretoast

It is not a cynical view at all. The whole volunteer industry is big business and not necessarily in a good way. If you are considering taking on a volunteer role you really need to ask yourself, what can you offer? I would say if the only thing you can offer is your labour then you are probably going to be more of a hindrance then an asset. Most of the locals I saw in Africa were incredibly fit, hardworking and able to toil all day in scorching temperatures, an environment that would almost be dangerous for an unacclimitised European to work in. More often or not, these countries lack technical skills and they are screaming out for say an engineer, health professional or other vocational expert to spend several months or a year training and passing on their knowledge to locals to the point where they can run things themselves. The saying ‘give a man a fish and he will be fed for a day, teach a man to fish and he will be fed for life’ comes to mind. Many of the volunteer schemes that I saw only ran for a few months, which is really no time to make any difference or learn any skills. Again being cynical, most of the volunteers I saw were of the white middle class home counties variety who instead of getting pissed in Thailand opted for ‘work’ in Africa. Of course upon arrival most of these people could not really do very much so they just bummed around the village for a month doing token things like sweeping up leaves, painting walls and feeding animals before getting drunk with the other kids. These are the same kids who go to uni and bore everyone to death with their tales of making a difference and showing off their ethnic jewellery and clothes. I have more respect for the kids who went to Thailand to party, at least they are being honest as to the difference they made (i.e fuck all)! Anyway, before I rant too much there was one organisation that I thought was very good and that was the US Peace Corp, they selected their volunteers (both old and young) on their potential rather than their ability to pay money, and then sent them on a 6 month training course so that they hit the ground running and were in a position to help for the off. They also had to commit to a minimum of two years work, enough time to actually bed in and make some kind of contribution, learn some practical skills, become fluent in the language and make some genuine life long friends.

I will likely get yelled at but to my mind focusing on anxiety issues a bit; if she's feeling able to teach abroad, she's able to get a job first to pay for it.

If she doesn't feel able to work, she can't seriously go away alone. End of. Granted, perhaps a touch sternly.

Ok, am living here in Africa and totally agree with the more cynical who question the validity and expense of volunteer work. They pay thousands of £ for placements, accomm and flight which could cost well under £1k with a bit of googling, bravery. Grab that Lonely Planet, book the flight yourself and go and make contacts. Any decent organisation here is NOT going to charge you to work!!

There is a lot of need in many parts for unskilled workers with fluent English to work in creches, for example. Yes, there's unemployed capable people but they need to earn and many NGO/grassroots organisations are run on such a shoestring that they cant pay anyone.

I have worked with many professionals here who dread the thought of yet another "useless teenager" fresh off the plane who'll waste their precious time being trained up and be here such a short-time as to never be useful.

If you want to help, do so directly in the country and for longer term projects. These working holidays are s complete joke and a "feel good" jolly for the participant, v lucrative for the middleman arranging company.

I would expect her to commit for at least a year to working and part funding the venture herself before I'd consider helping her to pursue this.

Surely it down to your DH and his ex to decide as her parents? She's not asking you for the money but her parents. They need to discuss between them re funding, safety and if DD will commit to it properly.

I have a disability and some other SNs and went to Asia at 23. For the first 3 years, it was very, very hard. No electricity for hours on end, no local friends because of the language barrier, I was a very picky eater and had to get used to the food, I had to lean work habits, get used to flooding......so much. I have been here for 7 years and I love this place now. I have also seen many changes, good and bad. As difficult as the first years were, I have no regrets.

I think the "fun" depends on where you go and who your with. Also the amount of time spent abroad. A year or 6 months can be tougher than a few weeks iyswim.

I would approach this from CuChullain's angle. Gently suggest to her that unless she does this with the right organisation she is unlikely to get any qualifications that will help her later in life, she probably won't be able to be very useful to other people, and she may be very unsupported if things go wrong.

Then encourage her to think of things that might give her an equally interesting experience but be cheaper and/or more useful longterm.

Proper TEFL training in this country, with a view to teaching abroad afterwards? Volunteering with young/disabled people in this country? Volunteering or working in Europe?

I had exactly the same ideas when I was her age. My mother gently pointed out what CuChullain said, that there wasn't really a lot I had to offer. In ended up doing my volunteering a few years later, in a European country (the UK), in a field that I was genuinely interested in, rather than generalised do-goodery.

given that she can't cope with A levels that require her to show her face at college, what makes you think she will turn up for this teaching abroad?

sorry -seen too many entitled gappies just pissing mummy and daddy's money up against walls. Literally, in many cases. If they want a long holiday, fine - they pay for it. If they want to 'do good' there's plenty to be done in the UK.

oh, but look - the weather isn't as warm, is it.

stick to your guns. End of rant!