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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be desperate for another child?

35 replies

Sparklymommy · 19/11/2013 21:20

I currently have four beautiful children. My youngest started school in September and whilst I am enjoying getting the house straight and having a bit more time to shop in peace, I really miss having a baby at home with me all the time.

However, DH and DM (who lives with us) feel that four is enough. Neither of them have said DEFINITELY no to another in the future. However I feel ready for another baby now. And I worry that the longer we leave it the less chance there is of it happening.

I also have kidney disease, so if my condition were to deteriorate then my chances of carrying a baby safely would be reduced.

I'm almost 30. And love being a mum. The idea of not having another baby makes me feel full of despair. AIBU? To want to start trying again sooner rather than later?

OP posts:

IAlwaysThought · 19/11/2013 21:56

Four is a LOT Are they close in age?
I have four close in age and although it was a bit like a zoo when they were little I really enjoyed it. My DH did not want another so that was that. If it was up to me I would have had another but retrospectively, I am very glad that I didn't.
Mine are now 17 and older. We could have afforded more but we are already quite a crowd. We like to travel and eat out, once you include a couple of boyfriends or girlfriends it soon starts to feel unmanageable. It's great fun but a bit OTT as it is, another person would make a definite difference IYSWIM

I also had all my kids by 30, it lovely not to be too old now that they are leaving home. My DH and I have a good relationship and I like to think we set a good example for the kids. We are still living are own lives rather than just being parents. There is so much more to having kids than just the baby stage. There is SO much more to being a mum than looking after babies. To me being a Mum is about raising children and watching them develop into adults.

DawnOfTheDee · 19/11/2013 22:01

I think it's a bit odd that you seem to giving your DM as much say as your DH for a start.

However, I think it's a bit telling that you're saying you miss having a baby around rather than you want another child. If you're under 30 and have 4 then i'm guessing you've had a baby (or very little one) around for the best part of a decade. It must be a big change for you but one you'll have to get used to at some point.

Ask yourself if you really want another or do you just want another baby iyswim.

On a practical note would your financial / housing situation support another one?

soverylucky · 19/11/2013 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OralB · 19/11/2013 22:05

YANBU

If you can afford it and have enough space at home then I'd say go for it. Talk to your DH, it's up to the both of you to decide, not your DM's.

Good luck.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/11/2013 22:36

What is the risk involved to you and possible child with your kidney disease.

LimeLeaafLizard · 19/11/2013 22:49

But then the 'lovely' poster on the other thread wouldn't want to be friends with you!

Seriously, if you can provide for them, and your DH agrees, YANBU.

I have 4 too... but unlike you I am getting a bit too old to have another!

lessonsintightropes · 19/11/2013 23:01

TBH I would be amazingly grateful for one as we're having trouble TTC at the moment. Hope you are happy with your already really big family and sorry if saying this is out of order - I am feeling a bit sensitive today!

I was the youngest of four and am obviously grateful that my DPs pressed on despite financial difficulties and some fairly serious physical ones in the case of my DM (they tried to forcibly sterilise her after the birth of my brother). I do have a vested interest here but think that they wouldn't have felt our family was complete without a fourth child.

No-one can really judge this apart from you and your husband. I think your main areas of consideration are a) can you afford to feed five b) can you afford to keep five above the breadline and give them opportunities like language and music lessons to give them the best chance in life, if not is there anything you could sacrifice to do so? and c) can you reasonably sort out childcare and still have a chance at doing one thing that would be fulfilling for you, which might help with a career after kids?

Only you know whether these are priorities, or possible for you, but best of luck however you decide to go.

Original poster

Sparklymommy · 20/11/2013 09:15

Thanks everyone. Think I was just feeling a bit sensitive last night.

I feel your pain lessonsintightropes. I am lucky that I have my four, but it wasn't that easy getting them! I had a miscarriage at 17, dd at 18, 11 (mainly early) miscarriages between dd1 and ds1 and then had ds1, ds2 and dd2 in quick succession!

They are now 10, 7, 6 and 4.

OP posts:

kerala · 20/11/2013 09:35

YABU I would say. 4 is a large family. Eventually the baby stage comes to an end, whether you have 2, 4 or 10 children. Can you look outside the family and find some interest/fulfilment elsewhere?

TheGinLushMinion · 20/11/2013 09:41

I'd say YABU simply because it sounds as though you are craving a baby not another child-what happens when said child goes to school? Do you start wanting number 6?

SaucyJack · 20/11/2013 09:52

I think YABU too.

I think you need to focus on your current children, and learn to love what's precious about their developmental stage instead.

Shonajoy · 20/11/2013 09:59

YABU wanting another baby- it sounds like you miss the company. Four is a big family already, you'll soon be at the stage of them becoming more expensive too, what about uni etc?

Also with your health issue, I personally think its not a good idea.

Joysmum · 20/11/2013 10:01

It's between you and your husband.

I only have one child but can only think that the all encompassing desire for subsequent children is the same as the desire was for the first.

If that is true, I was ready to try for a baby years before my hubby was. All I could do is share how I felt, listen to how he felt and wait for him to be ready. I know my husband loves me dearly so however sad I am not to get my way on things, I know that he'd have always gone along with my wishes if his misgiving were small. It's only if the misgivings are as big as mind that he won't and that's fair enough, no matter how disappointed I am.

Crowler · 20/11/2013 10:03

I think four is a lot. If I had four kids and my husband wanted more, I would probably kill him.

mistlethrush · 20/11/2013 10:04

I know someone that fosters babies for the first months (whilst they are dried out / weened off drugs in some instances) - perhaps you might consider something like that to have a positive role as well as benefiting from a baby around the house?

KitZacJak · 20/11/2013 10:05

I would give it a bit more time to be honest. Take a little time to get on top of your life again, maybe take up a hobby, get fit, do a vocational course, make some new friends etc etc. It's always going to be a massive shock when you have had a constantly busy house for years and you get some quiet time! I am not sure a baby is the answer.

Four children is a lot and you only get after school and weekends to spend with them now. How would you feel if you then had a baby which would mean your time with your older children would be stretched even further.

If your DM lives at home does she help a lot or is she out at work?

LaurieFairyCake · 20/11/2013 10:07

You've been having babies since you were 18 and you won't realise that there's more to life than that as you've been doing it so long - you've got in a habit

It's your time now, time to find out what you want to do and how you want your life to be.

Pearlsaplenty · 20/11/2013 10:14

Sorry but I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

You need to look after your health. You have 4 children who need their mother.

I think having 4 children before you turned 30 has meant that for most of your adult life you have been raising young children. If you found that rewarding then of course you will miss it and want more children!

But if you think the risk to your health and future children's health is worth having a fifth child then maybe you should go for it. Your dh needs to be in full agreement though. (Not sure why your dm gets a say in this decision though?)

HarryTheHungryHippo · 20/11/2013 10:21

As someone who is 8 weeks pregnant with dc2 and has had hideous morning sickness since week 4, has been to the doctors twice for tablets that don't work and it currently curled up in a quivering ball on the sofa I'm having trouble understanding why anyone would want any children EVER
(Disclaimer, this baby is very much wanted I'm just feeling fragile)

DembaBa · 20/11/2013 10:26

Its a choice that can only be made by you and your DH, after honest and open discussion.

But my honest opinions, seeing as you asked? You've spent your entire adult life having and raising babies. I think you are scared to move on, maybe get an education or find work, find fulfillment outside of purely motherhood?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

bababababoom · 20/11/2013 11:52

YANBU. But think carefully, as I'm sure you are, about the effect on the whole family. I have 3 lovely dc and feel so so lucky. But I would like one more. However, it's another mouth to feed, another person to pay for on holiday, another person to pay entry fopr on days out - babies aren't expensive, children are. You know that already, I know.

Your children don't stop needing you when they start school. My lot are Home Educated, but the eldest did go to school for a while and needed me every bit as much, just in a different way. I'm also aware that for the whole of his life I have had a small baby - dh would like to focus on doing things with the older children etc etc...

I swould love another child, but for me I would be getting through the baby stage in order to have another child in our family - not having a child because I want a baby, ISWIM. There is no right and wrong in this decision.

Not everyone needzs fulfilment outside of motherhood DembaBa, and there's plenty of time for that when they're grown up, OP is only 30!

But it's bugger all to do with your dm. It's for you and your hubby to decide.

LickingMyWounds · 20/11/2013 13:04

I am youngest of five with a sizeable gap between me and no 4. The down side of this is I am always at a different stage in life to my siblings, so don't have a great deal in common ie I have young kids and they are all becoming/longing to become grandparents lol. It's bizarre. Sometimes I feel I have more in common with their children who are starting to reproduce themselves. So yanbu to want another child, but I think you should have two. Or twins!! ;-0

Original poster

Sparklymommy · 20/11/2013 13:20

mistlethrush I have considered fostering but I know without a doubt that I would find it unbearable having to return a child to a family where he/she had suffered, especially after having taken a child with problems and ironing out the issues.

For those of you saying that I am craving the baby years; maybe I am to a certain degree. But that doesn't mean that I stop "wanting" my children once they start school. My children just have extremely busy lives and my role now appears to be taxi and cook! I am still very much an "involved" parent, I just feel that I'd like another one. Or two.

It frightens me sometimes that I may never feel my family is 'complete'. I mean, when does the longing to hold your baby stop?!?!?

OP posts:

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 20/11/2013 13:39

I'm sorry but I think you are being a unreasonable. Your dh has indulged you to date but you can't keep breeding forever. You say you just want a baby at home with you. That is potentially another 20 yrs worth of babies before you hit the menopause. In the nicest way you should consider working on your self esteem. You are a valid person with or without a baby in tow. Use ths time for you to work out what makes you tick and what you have to offer your existing family and the world at large.

Joysmum · 20/11/2013 15:05

How can anyone say the OP's hubby has 'indulged' her? Maybe, just maybe, he wanted 4 children too and maybe he might want a fith child in time. It's up to this couple to talk it through.

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